I have not seen my missing exabf in person since he went away almost 3 years ago. But I did suddenly come across a photograph of him on a business website, and I shook from head to toe as if I had been struck by lightning. The shaking was uncontrollable, unforeseen, and I continue to be amazed at how visceral my reaction to his image was.
I had made a decision to avoid ever running into him in the city in "old places" and absolutely did not want any information about his life. I had a wall of protection around me 50 feet thick.
It almost feels like seeing one's own rapist (not quite, I don't mean to minimize true sexual assault). I feel victimized, even though I know I consented to the relationship.
I have a vague memory of the woman I was before but even that is sometimes seen through the filter of what I became.
Who I have become began before this relationship. I never dealt with the tremendous grief I experienced when my son was ill. I never grieved the end of my marriage. I lost myself, I lost the good parts of me and overdeveloped the escapist ones. I feel some of the good, some of my creative energy coming back, a sense of hope. But I will never be the person I was "before" and will never have that innocence again. It is sad.
NO I am NOT sick of 'your drama', you are on a healing journey, and I know personally, how much it helps to vent to folks who understand ........................................ so vent away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Thank you so much for your kindness. I guess this process can't be rushed through. At least now I know that I need to grieve and work on myself. It has reached critical mass. It can't be ignored any more or buried or escaped.
I guess the pain is finally so complete that I absolutely must do this. The pain of staying (with my sickness) is finally more than the pain of leaving (the sickness).