shock
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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shock
Okay, it's been about a month since we broke up. Even though I have been hurting a lot, I have also had some real moments of clarity and realization, at least on the level of the mind. I know that the break up is for the best and I have the chance to grow into someone much more healthy if I do this right.
Last night. I went out with a good friend and her BF. I have new clothes, I spent a long time getting dressed, I felt great. I planned on having a light hearted, fun night. Maybe even flirting, who knows? I wanted to feel like my life is moving forward and that I still have the capacity to be social and fun.
We went to one of my favorite places. We ordered fondue and drinks. We were having a great time.
We hadn't been there more than 30 minutes when XABF walked in with new GF. They walked in, I looked up, I said (loudly) Oh My God. It was a gut reaction, like I would say if I saw one of my children in danger. I looked away. They sat down at the table right next to ours. Then I heard him say something about leaving. They stood up and quickly left out the back door.
I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I tried to recover, tried to continue having fun, tried to let it go. I couldn't. I drank too much (totally stupid, but my friends seemed to think this would help, ha). I ended up coming home, sobbing, miserable.
This sucks. I want to move on. I want friends, I want a social life, I want to be able to go out and have good conversations with people. I don't want to be isolated any more, I think my loneliness and lack of human contact contributed to my unhealthy relationship.
I don't know why I'm posting about this. I'm sure you are all sick of hearing about my drama. I am sick of myself, too.
Last night. I went out with a good friend and her BF. I have new clothes, I spent a long time getting dressed, I felt great. I planned on having a light hearted, fun night. Maybe even flirting, who knows? I wanted to feel like my life is moving forward and that I still have the capacity to be social and fun.
We went to one of my favorite places. We ordered fondue and drinks. We were having a great time.
We hadn't been there more than 30 minutes when XABF walked in with new GF. They walked in, I looked up, I said (loudly) Oh My God. It was a gut reaction, like I would say if I saw one of my children in danger. I looked away. They sat down at the table right next to ours. Then I heard him say something about leaving. They stood up and quickly left out the back door.
I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I tried to recover, tried to continue having fun, tried to let it go. I couldn't. I drank too much (totally stupid, but my friends seemed to think this would help, ha). I ended up coming home, sobbing, miserable.
This sucks. I want to move on. I want friends, I want a social life, I want to be able to go out and have good conversations with people. I don't want to be isolated any more, I think my loneliness and lack of human contact contributed to my unhealthy relationship.
I don't know why I'm posting about this. I'm sure you are all sick of hearing about my drama. I am sick of myself, too.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, my dear, one month is a very short time in the land of "post breakup".....be kind to yourself. I'm sure your friends understood, and they were trying to be helpful.
It may take some time before you can see him with his current gf and not be affected. The good news is, it will happen. Do keep going out and having fun when you want...maybe go to new places and try new things....that way, you will be less likely to run into the ex....
Many, many hugs! HG
It may take some time before you can see him with his current gf and not be affected. The good news is, it will happen. Do keep going out and having fun when you want...maybe go to new places and try new things....that way, you will be less likely to run into the ex....
Many, many hugs! HG
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
nowwhat,
I'm sorry this happened, but please don't use it as an indictment against yourself. You have made great strides in your healing, we've all seen it. But I doubt there's any one of us who could sit through an event like that and not be affected after just one month. Cry, pound pillows, break old dishes, do whatever you need to do.....and then make another date to go out and have fun.
Maybe, this time, in a place where you're not likely to see him at all. You can "reclaim" those places you shared with him LATER, when you're 100% stable and have good detachment from him. For me it took at least a year, and I was GOOD AND READY to leave when I left!
I hope you'll go into full-on self-care mode today, as if you'd been in a car wreck last night (which, in a sense, you were). Tenderness and self-love, no exceptions. Okay?
Today we'll begin again. It's going to be okay.
I'm sorry this happened, but please don't use it as an indictment against yourself. You have made great strides in your healing, we've all seen it. But I doubt there's any one of us who could sit through an event like that and not be affected after just one month. Cry, pound pillows, break old dishes, do whatever you need to do.....and then make another date to go out and have fun.
Maybe, this time, in a place where you're not likely to see him at all. You can "reclaim" those places you shared with him LATER, when you're 100% stable and have good detachment from him. For me it took at least a year, and I was GOOD AND READY to leave when I left!
I hope you'll go into full-on self-care mode today, as if you'd been in a car wreck last night (which, in a sense, you were). Tenderness and self-love, no exceptions. Okay?
Today we'll begin again. It's going to be okay.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hey you... have a :ghug3
I saw my ex for the first time in like 12 weeks a couple of days ago. It shocked the bejeezus out of me. I was practically quivering like a jelly. There he was just stood at a corner.. wearing a jacket I bought him and laughing with some fella from AA. LAUGHING! Oh I can't tell you the things that ran through my mind... first I wanted to hightail it as far away from him as possible (which I did), second I felt winded, then I felt pretty blimmin' angry with myself (of all people.. angry with myself for an unfortunate random sighting) that I'd seen him, then I felt pretty blimmin' angry with him for daring to be carrying on like nothing has happened.. walking the streets, laughing when he's permanently injured me and is supposed to be so full of remorse (yeah right)..
..then I realised that I'm safe.. I'm ok.. it's alright to feel these things.. feel them get them over with, rant and rave.. cry and wail, whatever it takes.
You've posted that
but you have those.. you saw him while you were out with friends having a social life.
I have to ask.. did being with the A isolate you? did it make you feel lifeless and joyless? It did me.. and then that very isolation and joylessness I was flung into was thrown in my face as a criticism. Irony is.. I wasn't truly the isolated or joyless one. I have friends.. I actually get to go out now I'm not with the A. In the last couple of months I have been to dinners, the movies, live music events, partys, dancing... all without having to tread on one single eggshell! I've reconnected with people and made bags of new friends. I haven't always felt social and those times I've just listened to my body and done what it needs. Sometimes I've felt social but a little nervous and those times I've faked it until I made it: funny how you don't feel like doing something but you do it anyway and you end up having the best time.
Don't force anything.. but don't let that gnawing self doubt stop you from living your life the best way you can. You've been in a soul destroying, esteem crushing situation.. you will get your groove back.
I saw my ex for the first time in like 12 weeks a couple of days ago. It shocked the bejeezus out of me. I was practically quivering like a jelly. There he was just stood at a corner.. wearing a jacket I bought him and laughing with some fella from AA. LAUGHING! Oh I can't tell you the things that ran through my mind... first I wanted to hightail it as far away from him as possible (which I did), second I felt winded, then I felt pretty blimmin' angry with myself (of all people.. angry with myself for an unfortunate random sighting) that I'd seen him, then I felt pretty blimmin' angry with him for daring to be carrying on like nothing has happened.. walking the streets, laughing when he's permanently injured me and is supposed to be so full of remorse (yeah right)..
..then I realised that I'm safe.. I'm ok.. it's alright to feel these things.. feel them get them over with, rant and rave.. cry and wail, whatever it takes.
You've posted that
This sucks. I want to move on. I want friends, I want a social life, I want to be able to go out and have good conversations with people. I don't want to be isolated any more, I think my loneliness and lack of human contact contributed to my unhealthy relationship.
I have to ask.. did being with the A isolate you? did it make you feel lifeless and joyless? It did me.. and then that very isolation and joylessness I was flung into was thrown in my face as a criticism. Irony is.. I wasn't truly the isolated or joyless one. I have friends.. I actually get to go out now I'm not with the A. In the last couple of months I have been to dinners, the movies, live music events, partys, dancing... all without having to tread on one single eggshell! I've reconnected with people and made bags of new friends. I haven't always felt social and those times I've just listened to my body and done what it needs. Sometimes I've felt social but a little nervous and those times I've faked it until I made it: funny how you don't feel like doing something but you do it anyway and you end up having the best time.
Don't force anything.. but don't let that gnawing self doubt stop you from living your life the best way you can. You've been in a soul destroying, esteem crushing situation.. you will get your groove back.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I really want to move past crying and into breaking dishes. I don't know why I'm not angry. I want to be angry, I want to RAGE, I want to hate this man and what he's done to me (I don't want to hate forever, but I need the energy of rage right now). I suspect I really am angry underneath it all, but I don't know how to access it. Maybe I am really angry at myself and that is too frightening to deal with.
I do feel some fear, but that's not entirely it, either. I mostly feel shock, pain, abandonment, devalued. It's a very primitive emotion I am feeling, something akin to despair but that's not it either.
I have two friendships that are really developing right now, people I can really communicate with and feel close to. I have not had any REAL friends for several years now (long before XABF came along). The support these friends are giving me is amazing, patient and kind and also FUN. I am beginning to remember the joy of friendship.
I want to be a person who has love to offer and can sustain relationships. I have been so closed off since my son's health crisis (PTSD, I think) that I have had nothing to give. In honesty, I didn't have the right kind of love for XABF. I was very attracted to him on an intellectual and physical level, emotionally bonded because of the shared dysfunction--but not spiritually and unconditionally loving. I wanted him to fix me, which is laughable in retrospect, but I thought by being together we could grow and find real mutual love.
Now he is gone, and I am left with me. Me, as it turns out, is not much more emotionally available then he is. I can talk a good game because of my interest in psychology and relationships--but I don't really have the foundation at a soul level to connect to someone in a healthy way.
Working on friendships is my goal now. I hope I will find love again, but I hope that when I do it will be of a much different flavor. Instead of using it like a drug with its attendant crashes, I want to have love that heals and redeems. I know this begins by becoming a better person. A person who can really give and receive.
Blahdeblahblahblah.
I do feel some fear, but that's not entirely it, either. I mostly feel shock, pain, abandonment, devalued. It's a very primitive emotion I am feeling, something akin to despair but that's not it either.
I have two friendships that are really developing right now, people I can really communicate with and feel close to. I have not had any REAL friends for several years now (long before XABF came along). The support these friends are giving me is amazing, patient and kind and also FUN. I am beginning to remember the joy of friendship.
I want to be a person who has love to offer and can sustain relationships. I have been so closed off since my son's health crisis (PTSD, I think) that I have had nothing to give. In honesty, I didn't have the right kind of love for XABF. I was very attracted to him on an intellectual and physical level, emotionally bonded because of the shared dysfunction--but not spiritually and unconditionally loving. I wanted him to fix me, which is laughable in retrospect, but I thought by being together we could grow and find real mutual love.
Now he is gone, and I am left with me. Me, as it turns out, is not much more emotionally available then he is. I can talk a good game because of my interest in psychology and relationships--but I don't really have the foundation at a soul level to connect to someone in a healthy way.
Working on friendships is my goal now. I hope I will find love again, but I hope that when I do it will be of a much different flavor. Instead of using it like a drug with its attendant crashes, I want to have love that heals and redeems. I know this begins by becoming a better person. A person who can really give and receive.
Blahdeblahblahblah.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I have to ask.. did being with the A isolate you? did it make you feel lifeless and joyless? It did me.. and then that very isolation and joylessness I was flung into was thrown in my face as a criticism.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Nowwhat,
In spite of your primitive feelings of shock and even agony, you sound mature. You sound like a grown up. Your words have integrity and your determination to be honest to the core about who you are is outstanding.
I have not seen my missing exabf in person since he went away almost 3 years ago. But I did suddenly come across a photograph of him on a business website, and I shook from head to toe as if I had been struck by lightning. The shaking was uncontrollable, unforeseen, and I continue to be amazed at how visceral my reaction to his image was.
I had made a decision to avoid ever running into him in the city in "old places" and absolutely did not want any information about his life. I had a wall of protection around me 50 feet thick.
Still, without warning, I "saw" him, that photograph, which appeared recent. (This was about 18 months ago). And he looked tan, handsome, healthy, beautiful smile as always. The shock of the LIE I knew he was living, the LIE I knew he WAS, and the APPEARANCE he was pulling off made me sick to my stomach.
It is horror movie stuff. Addiction is like that.
Nowwhat, hold your head high. Unlike the exabf, you are authentic and life always rewards the truth. And people who are deceivers....life always catches up and brings them down.
Love, Bluejay
In spite of your primitive feelings of shock and even agony, you sound mature. You sound like a grown up. Your words have integrity and your determination to be honest to the core about who you are is outstanding.
I have not seen my missing exabf in person since he went away almost 3 years ago. But I did suddenly come across a photograph of him on a business website, and I shook from head to toe as if I had been struck by lightning. The shaking was uncontrollable, unforeseen, and I continue to be amazed at how visceral my reaction to his image was.
I had made a decision to avoid ever running into him in the city in "old places" and absolutely did not want any information about his life. I had a wall of protection around me 50 feet thick.
Still, without warning, I "saw" him, that photograph, which appeared recent. (This was about 18 months ago). And he looked tan, handsome, healthy, beautiful smile as always. The shock of the LIE I knew he was living, the LIE I knew he WAS, and the APPEARANCE he was pulling off made me sick to my stomach.
It is horror movie stuff. Addiction is like that.
Nowwhat, hold your head high. Unlike the exabf, you are authentic and life always rewards the truth. And people who are deceivers....life always catches up and brings them down.
Love, Bluejay
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by nowwhat 
Yes. Exactly this--he was never overtly/verbally abusive but he did suck me dry and then devalue me for being weak.
It's not surprising either that you don't feel you have the capacity right now to give 100% to another person.. be it friendship, companionship or romantically. You don't have the reserves I'd imagine. I feel exactly the same way. A little like a succulent plant that has had a good amount of the 'goodness' sucked out of them and they are little withered and in need of some nutirents and tlc... but they are still alive and have potential to flourish.
Don't beat yourself up about that or think that you someday in the future will not be capable of being the best you that you can be. I've found that true friends and companions will understand this and will be happy to have you firing on 2 cylinders even if you can't manage all 4 right now. Those that need, want or expect more will probably always need, want and expect more... not the healthiest people to be around huh.
Take it easy with yourself.. at your pace and with what is comfortable to you. Some days you will take steps backwards.. but if the general direction is forwards then that is all good.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Given the circumstances, I'm sure I would have felt like I got the wind kicked out of me.
I think you are being entirely too hard on yourself. It takes time to heal, time to not react when seeing something like that.
One month ago isn't long at all.
:ghug :ghug
I think you are being entirely too hard on yourself. It takes time to heal, time to not react when seeing something like that.
One month ago isn't long at all.
:ghug :ghug
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Sweetie, you are right on schedule:
This 'might' help you understand what is happening to you:
You will get to the 'anger' stage. At that point I would suggest filling some coffee cans 1/2 way with old screws and small metal things, duct taping the top on REAL GOOD and throwing the cans against a fence or large boulder, saves on the dishes, rofl.
NO I am NOT sick of 'your drama', you are on a healing journey, and I know personally, how much it helps to vent to folks who understand ........................................ so vent away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
This 'might' help you understand what is happening to you:
Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":
7 Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
7 Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
7 Stages of Grief...
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
NO I am NOT sick of 'your drama', you are on a healing journey, and I know personally, how much it helps to vent to folks who understand ........................................ so vent away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
^^^that's great laurie 
I have to say, I have a copy of the Kuhbler Ross model on my desktop. It's worth remembering nowwhat that you might not necessarily go through the stages in that order, some of them might happen at the same time and you might not linger too long on some of them.. so let it work itself through naturally.. but you'll recognise when you're getting to or at 6 & 7 :ghug
I have to say, I have a copy of the Kuhbler Ross model on my desktop. It's worth remembering nowwhat that you might not necessarily go through the stages in that order, some of them might happen at the same time and you might not linger too long on some of them.. so let it work itself through naturally.. but you'll recognise when you're getting to or at 6 & 7 :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I have not seen my missing exabf in person since he went away almost 3 years ago. But I did suddenly come across a photograph of him on a business website, and I shook from head to toe as if I had been struck by lightning. The shaking was uncontrollable, unforeseen, and I continue to be amazed at how visceral my reaction to his image was.
I had made a decision to avoid ever running into him in the city in "old places" and absolutely did not want any information about his life. I had a wall of protection around me 50 feet thick.
I had made a decision to avoid ever running into him in the city in "old places" and absolutely did not want any information about his life. I had a wall of protection around me 50 feet thick.
I have a vague memory of the woman I was before but even that is sometimes seen through the filter of what I became.
NO I am NOT sick of 'your drama', you are on a healing journey, and I know personally, how much it helps to vent to folks who understand ........................................ so vent away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Love and hugs,
I guess the pain is finally so complete that I absolutely must do this. The pain of staying (with my sickness) is finally more than the pain of leaving (the sickness).
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
You are a reader now what....try reading Spiritual Divorce as a Catalyst for Extraordinary Life. by Debbie Ford.....also "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Kirschenbaum. Apply to any relationship married or not, together or not. They both have "Lists" that you make that kind of Ben Franklin the whole situation. Positives vs Negatives and also how much time we waste with the why's.
I plan on taking my own advice REAL soon! LOL
I plan on taking my own advice REAL soon! LOL
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