It's true CeCe. The warden role is so detrimental to the parents and the child. This last year was full of my policeing, nagging, pushing, etc., it was so exhausting. I refused to do this again.
And to add to this, everyone kept telling me SET THE RULES, DOMINATE THEIR LIFE!
I just couldn't, and so I sought the help of Addicts. I wanted their view of life. It is an indeed dark and cold world, and yes, your son is in it, so was mine. To understand their role in this is heartbreaking, full of depression, anxiety, sexual manipulation, etc......One that you could never fathom existed. How and why would my son tumble down into this. Only someone who has been there can explain.
so, to do what alot have suggested here was not taken. I felt if my son felt this way, i did not need to add to his misery. He was already consumed. I refused to destroy him.
We do not seem to realize what toll this addiction takes on their lives. They feel worthless enough without being reminded of this over and over.
I knew he would try to manipulate, and i was prepared. but it was different this time. I just told him calmly what i had to say and walked away. Like he was a stranger. There were no suggestions, no confrontation.....
We could tell he was clean, and as the days past 2-3-4days, we realized he may be serious about this. Slowly he would join us and have frivolous conversation. We avoided all confrontation.
Then his dad took him on a skiing trip (which he loves and i may add is only a couple hrs drive). We never spoke of his drug use, not once, and at the end of the day, when they were in the hot tub, laughing at the day's falls and flips, their body's aching, did my husband ask him if he was finally "Done". He looked up and told his dad that he was "done". very seriously. then his dad told him it was time to begin his life.
We continued to keep all conversation on a positive note. Never allowing regressing.
Slowly, and i do mean slowly, still now, slowly, we watch him interact in normal society again.
He is completely away from all his old friends, and at times i feel sorry for him, as we are such a social family. And he was always so social. He sometimes speaks about how hard it is to make friends, not being loaded. He said it was so easy when he was loaded. Having been a heavy user for 2 years, he has had alot of alone time recently. but slowly the friends are being made, he actually eats now, (which has been a main concern of our after dropping 80lbs in the last 2 years). He even accepted a position with our company that he has refused for the last 2 years and loving it.
So, Winnie, I cannot guarantee this will work for you. But it is worth trying.
Nothing will be gained from rules. Leave this up to his PO. Assume the role of his guide and show him our peaceful and wonderful world. Be RESPECTFUL to him. It could be the best time of your life. I know we are so enjoying having our son again. I love to see his smile and talk of buying a new motorcycle, putting his check in the bank, the small accomplishments. But he is too. And your son will too.
Good luck Winne, Be positive!
Just sending hugs and smiles because after going thru what we have gone thru, makes us appreciate life so much more.