Hey Bam..I am just jumpin on the end here.
I get like that all the time. WTF is the point.
I get clean and I am still miserable. Might as well be miserable and be Messed up. At least it takes some of the edge off.
I still get like that at times.
I think I am learning with myself tho is that my happiness has to come within myself somewhere.
I have to want it and make it. It isnt goin to come in any pill or pipe or bottle.
And even tho it seems like it does for a short time. Thats all it is. A masking..a front for a vey short time.
And using only adds to it. You cant be F***ed uip all the time. Reality has to hit once in awhile. And then what happens?
Faced with some really overwhelming **** that has just been buried and added to.
I am not in a good place this past week.
If I were to use to escape. Right now would be it. But I'm not going to and and I am tyring like hell not to either.
I usually get high to relax and have fun. Thank God I dont everytime something went wrong. I would be dead.
I know the point for me is that I am so tired of feeling liek **** from using. Not doin anything with myself. Not being responsible or productive in any way.
No progress. No meaning. Nothing. Might as well just not exist if all I am goin to do is get high all the time.
I fight this **** everyday. Sometimes I give in. But I get right back up again. And sometimes that seems so impossible and I get so tired of it I just cant go on anymore.
But that doesnt last long for me.
I cant just give up. Its not in me to go out like that.
My happiness is in knowing tried. I wanted to try. And that I gave an effort.
My happiness is in not building a pile of consequences behind my addiciton anymore.
Life is real dull compared to what it use to be.
But it is alot more calm and sless stressful if I really look at it and think zabout it.
I have gotten to a point where I am just so tired of all the BS. The emotional and physical and mental BS that comes with the drugs.
I cant take it.
And I havent got it down by any means. I relapse every couple months. But I know I did wrong. I learn what I can from it. And I know I didnt do it becasue I gave up on myself.
And no matter what. I always habe to try.
I may go to my grave trying. But its better than just say F it all and letting it win.
I cant do that.
Things take time Bam. And it takes alot of work inside ourselves.
And of course its goin to be harder to get back to where we need to be.
But good things always are.
Thats what makes them worth it.
I hope you snap out of it soon and get some serious help for those suicidal thoughts.
That **** is npothing to play with.
I dont care how serious you think you are or not.
It is not right to even play with that idea.
Thinking of you. An dyou know you have alot of people here who care alot about you.
I would be asking myself why I am not happy. What is making me so unhappy. What is it that will make me truly content. And what do I have to do to get there.
It isnt that hard really.