Bamboozle

I'm getting no real enjoyment in life. What the f*ck am I supposed to do? I care.....but don't care. I feel like sh!t. This is exactly why I drank all the time.

Therapy isn't helping.

Medicines are not helping.

Nothing works.

The pain never goes away.

I cannot live like this any more.

I don't know what to do.

How can I make these feelings go away?



I've done everything I was supposed to do. Result.........FAIL.

Don't be surprised when I go back to drinking in a few weeks. As soon as I can get off these meds I'll do the one thing that always helped. When that happens, I'll hang it up here. I'm telling you folks this now so you don't wonder what happened to me.

Dee74

The one thing I had to learn Bam was that it wasn't all gonna happen overnight - the last time, the time that all this finally 'stuck' I went on faith and went by everything that people were telling me - that it did get better.

I didn't really feel that until at least six months, and I didn't really believe it until a year or so.

Probably not what you wanted to hear - but that's my experience.

and 'one thing that always helped'?

does drinking really work?
You didn't come here for the ambience....

Don't give up Bam :ghug3
D

suki44883

Wow! You sure do give up easily.

readyforhelp

Bam,

I just couldn't resist responding to you because you titled this thread, "What's the point?" I used to ask that question to my doc when I was at my worst in depression after my mom died and I was self medicating to the point of losing function.

Do you know what he would say? He would say, "Wait a minute. Who ever told you there was a point?" Didn't help too much at the time. But, now that some time has gone by, I get it. I am in a different place. I changed my work. Went from something I hated to something I love. That helped immensely.

Point is, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I just hope you don't drink yourself back to insanity. I hope you find peace and I wish you knew what that was for you.

Bamboozle

I know, I'm a sh!t. I had to write what I feel.

...my mood is shifting again. I'm not having suicidal thoughts at the moment...but I had them most of the day. I'm tired of this rollercoaster ride of emotions. I can't get anything done when I'm like this. And I'm alone. That certainly doesn't help.

adore79

Bam, im sorry you are feeling this way

when you go outside, what do you think about when you look around? do you think about the interconnectedness of everything you see or do you usually point out things you like/dont like. Do you appreciate the beauty you see or do you think you take it for granted? Are you mindful that you are alive, able to feel things and see/smell/taste/touch things and even things that are not pleasant to the sences are fine because they exist and you are here and able to experience them? Im not telling you what to do or saying you arent grateful or anything, Im just curious, and these are questions i have to ask myself sometimes just to remind myself why i havent jumped off a bridge or something.

My suicidal thoughts used to be constant. My car wouldnt start, id think about killing myself, i ate too much, killing myself, someone cut me off, killing myself etc... These feelings still come to me sometimes and ive been able to realize why they come, they are just a coping mechanism for me, i can imagine a way out of all the crap and that provides a momentary relief. Im not saying that is why YOU have them, and I am not minimizing your feelings at all, they are serious and you need help. For me it has helped to identfy why i have them and realize that they are my brain doing the same thing as if i ate a whole bunch of chocolate cause i was depressed, a coping mechanism.

anyway, dont know where i was going with all that, just wanted to let you know that you are never alone. big s

Dee74

I figured it was a passing storm LOL

and alone? are you kidding me?

< points to multitudes of secular connections type folk >



hugs
D

stone

I often think what is the point and I used to have suicidal thoughts all the time, they used to cheer me up, strange huh?

I would think "all this pain will stop when I kill myself", and just the thought of the pain stopping made me feel better though I don't think I ever really would have killed myself, like Felly said, I think it was a strange coping mechanism.

What is the point? To learn a bit about ourselves and life and try to be happy? To find some peace of mind? For years I didn't learn anything, not by my mistakes, not by anything....it was horrible, I was just a victim of circumstance in a way. Whatever the circumstances I felt like a victim. I was horribly depressed and messed up.

Give it time, Bam. Try to find things that you enjoy or give a sense of achievement. Screw other peoples opinions unless you find them helpful. Do something different to take yourself out of your own head. This is what I try to do. I still don't get much enjoyment from things but in general I am a lot better than I used to be.

Ananda

ok this is a little obscure...but

the point is what ever i make the point.....

I have to create some idea of meaning and then work toward it...

That said...i do think our brains auto piolit to the defence mechanisms we know best when things get rough...

those things that worked well for me in my childhood, well they don't work for me anymore....what may have been an appropriete choice at that time, is an over reaction to my life today.

Under stress they they rise again, but i try to find less destructive ways to gaurd myself if i feel i must....and drinking, suicide and blanking out aren't one of those.:ghug3

OZboy

Stay safe Bam...Oz..lol.
---------------------

Dee74

brilliance

D

OceanBound

In Bam's defense, quitting seems fine if you don't care about winning anymore. I can relate. I don't have suicidal thoughts all the time but I ask myself "what's the point" every single day. I am in a bad situation now, hating both my job and the city where I have to live. But recession and some personal circumstances make me stay where I am now.

How do I cope? I have very few close friends who I try to see regularly and get a lot of support from them. I work out most days and get my endorphins (I used to hate gym and still do on some level). I try to nurture the few hobbies I still have. And I have this improbable stupid hope somewhere deep down that things will/might turn out fine.

Don't give up, Bam! :ghug3

Katie09

(((Bam)))), I guess the point is to keep on keeping on and hope for better days. I am unemployed and, trust me, I don't even want to think about what the future holds.

HOWEVER, what you do have today is sobriety, right? I mean, that's more than a LOT of people have. I know it can suck at times, but think of it as a HUGE accomplishment, as it is.

FightingIrish

In sobriety I had to get comfortable with the fact that the world doesn't owe me a "point". It doesn't have to and usually won't conform to my desire for order, meaning, and predictability. I have to find meaning on my own, from within myself and how *I* relate to the world around me, and there isn't one thing out there (e.g., a person, a pill, whatever) that is going to get me "there". (I used to think there was a "there", too.)

Getting to this point is incredibly freeing.

doorknob

Can you describe the pain?

And... I'm not convinced that life has to have a point. In fact, I don't think it does.

Bamboozle

I admire those who can define their own meaning, but I haven't been able to do that thus far. I've tried...and my mind/emotions get in the way...or maybe deep down I just don't buy it. I don't know.


Can I describe the pain? I don't know if I can, but I'll try. For me, it's the emptiness and sadness that oftentimes comes out of nowhere. Otherwise, one word/thought is enough to trigger the downward spiral. How can I feel empty and sad at the same time? I don’t know. And simply saying empty and sad isn’t profound enough. When it sets in I have lost control. The negative thoughts take over. And all I want to do is escape from it. It’s a dark place,…and when it’s really bad nothing that I enjoy matters. Not the birds…not nature…nothing. I feel like an observer rather than a participant. I lose all motivation for everything. I don’t enjoy being like this. That’s why I’m getting help….but the help isn’t working. I feel so lost…and all I can do is wait for my mood to go on a sharp upswing AGAIN. Every single day I’m on this ride. It’s wearing me out. I need a break. And I can’t get one.

I went to sleep earlier. I’m still really tired….but my mind is, of course, going like crazy. I think I’ll go buy a pack of smokes.


Thanks to everyone who responded.

californiapoppy

Bam, do you really think alcohol helped? I think I started feeling really rotten when I started alcohol, but before that things were always bearable, not paradise, not even good much of the time, but things got awful when I started drinking. Don't give up, it may not happen right away, but I do believe you'll start feeling better and that if you drink you'll only feel worse and what's more, you'll be even more disappointed in yourself.

windysan

I felt like that last night when looking at pictures of my kids and I couldn't remember.

Made me feel like 5hit.

It happens.

Must look forward.

Dance backward.

OceanBound

Bam, I don't know your treatment history well but if you are relatively new to antidepressants or haven't tried many, it might be you haven't given it enough time or you are on the wrong one. Some won't help you, others will hurt you and make you (more) suicidal. Talk to your doc about changing/upping the dose.

In my worst depression/suicidal thoughts episode, it took me months to get out of that dark place. And the progress was so slow I didn't see it for a while. And it was also wearing me out. For now, surround yourself with people who love you, do something fun every day (like reading jokes or whatever) and sleep enough hours. If you can't sleep, ask your doc for something. Sleep is very important in healing depression.

Good luck and please don't disappear on us!
:ghug

Bamboozle

Yeah, I'm new to antidepressants. I'm impatient. I know, I need to wait. I'm trying a different combo right now.


It helps to know there are others who've been through this. I sleep whenever I can. My schedule got messed up yesterday. When I get really low, I usually go to sleep. I woke up around midnight and it took me about five hours before I was tired enough to lay down again. I'll probably go to sleep again after I get off of work.


I'm off to work soon...sometimes it's a bad trigger for me. *sigh*