When I was a freshman in college I took an aesthetics (philosophy of beauty) class. And at one point the professor told us that when we truly recognize and appreciate something as "beautiful" we do not desire to own it or possess it or change it in anyway, but rather intensely desire just that it be just what and as it is and feel that it is an almost overwhelming honor and gift just be be able to be in its presence.
I've always remembered that, and, to me, it seems, really, to be what true "love" is about...but, obviously, that is an ideal to strive toward, not the nuts and bolts of everyday life....but it does kinda go along with the Al Anon idea that the only true way to respect the dignity and freedom of another person is to accept that person as who they really are, even if that means that we can no longer have him/her in our lives.
In the rooms I've heard a lot of people say that they've realized that what they thought was love (and what they were taught in their families of origin was "love") they now realize was some combination of obligation, duty, and/or a fear-based desire to control for selfish reasons. That's kinda interesting -- in a very weird way -- because it's like pretty much the exact opposite of the aesthetics thing.
freya