I am finding this thread helpful-- difficult, because there are things in here that mirror. It is incredible how wise you ladies are at explaining yourselves. Hearing these things said is helping loosen some of the knots and pain of what I have been putting myself through. I have found it hard to let go of abf, because I felt more passionate, womanly, alive in that relationship, as the addiction escalated I felt ashamed that I was in such an abusive place, and still taking it....... it felt very high stakes, and that is alot of pressure on both parts - very unhealthy. Strangely , it didn't feel like LOVE , which I have felt purely, in the past- it was when my children were born, with their dad - it felt honest and trusting, that was about giving and belonging to a bigger unit. But that love did nothing for my sexuality/sensuality/motivation/drive/ambition.....and the relationship with abf triggered all those. Don't know WHAT THAT is all about...... am going to need to do alot of looking before I inflict myself on anyone else !