Originally Posted by
lightseeker 
I'm with you on this thought. I'm also with Splendra in the answer. I've found that it's not who you are with that defines "love" but the openness that love is embraced in your life. I've spent decades believing that I was simply with the wrong person and that the type of love I deserved was "out there" but with someone else that I had just not found yet. I've finally discovered that it is not so much who you are with but what you bring to the table. That is....in a sober relationship. In active addiction, all bets are off. In active addiction relationships tend to be more hostage situations than love situations.
I've noticed a tendency for my nervous system to be set at a high idle in terms of chaos and drama. It's taken me a long time (and I'm still working on that) to let go of drama and chaos to be what it takes to feel an emotion. I'm working hard to reset my new normal. When things change and the constant conflict of addiction (or whatever) subsides then it can almost feel boring. I can get anxious waiting for the other shoe to fall and then I'll subconsciously find an "issue", bring it to the table, cause conflict, and then get my fix for chaos.
How long am I going to spend starting over? I'm in the process of still figuring this all out so I know that I don't have any answers. But.....I do believe that Splendra is right....walk out into the world to meet that love. I just have to remember that love probably isn't the idea that I've made up in my head and that walking out doesn't mean out of a relationship nessisarily.
It's not a Hollywood movie is it. When we got married, we went to marriage counseling and a really great retreat with couples who had been married for a long time. One main theme was that we should not expect marriage to be a fairy tale or to count on it solely for happiness. We aren't meant to fix/fulfill the other person so much as enhance each others lives. It really is a partnership - and what each member brings to the table is integral to whether or not a couple can find a joint happiness. I guess neither one of us is bringing much to the table at this point.
I've carried that idea of the ideal being "out there" too and that I just married the wrong person. I realize now how that could get me right back into another less than ideal situation.
The chaos you mention was my life too for several years. This past year has been one of growth for me and I'm learning to enjoy life again and embrace the calm as I once did. But sometimes I cause arguments too -- and until you wrote that I didn't know why. Thank you. Makes total sense. We lived the drama - the roller coaster - for so long it BECAME our marriage for a time. Wow - if we stay together we have a LOT of healing and rebuilding to do.
I think trust is another major issue. I don't want to give until I see action on his part first. Hmmm.
It scares me how much damage I did to my health because I lived in a high-stress state for so long.
Active addiction means all bets are off! Don't ever want to live like that again!