Trish, I love you, I hope you know that. You asked that we be honest, give it to you straight. Ok, here goes.
You can't get your own place until you can hold down a job, you can't hold down a job until you start working a program of Recovery. But the one thing that seems to be your only option right now, you are kicking and screaming about how it doesn't work for you. Honey, how many Meetings have you actually went to? I'm not talking about one here and one there, I mean going to Meetings, day after day, getting to know people, giving them a chance![/ I've told you this before and I'll tell you again, you remind me so much of myself years ago. I lived with my Mom who I could never please. We batted heads constantly. I would dream of the day where I could get a place of my own but I was afraid. Afraid I couldn't make it because I knew that I would continue to use.
I know you're stuck in the house right now healing from surgery. I've been stuck here for the past 7 weeks while my pelvis heals and I'm looking at several more weeks after I have back surgery. This alone can drive anyone nuts! This will be over soon for both of us, I know I have to hang on to that thought at times or else I will go stark raving mad!
I know there's nothing anyone can say to convince you to give Meetings an honest effort. I fought them for years but when I finally SURRENDERED, I was able to begin to work on the issues that caused me to turn to dope and alcohol in the first place. I don't know what else to say to you. Except I do care an awful lot about you and want you to find the inner peace that I have found. If you want it bad enough, you have to be willing to go to any length. What have you got to lose? Misery, anger, hopelessness, self loathing, feelings of uselessness . . . I lost those and much more when I finally surrrendered and I'll be damned if I want them back ever again!
Love ya,
Judy