Notices

At each others throats

Old 05-31-2009, 09:10 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
 
Aysha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
At each others throats

I really need to get out on my own.
The more I stay here.The more I feel the need to just get away from her.
We get on each others nerves. She pisses me off and I **** her off.
All we have been doin is arguing and bumpin heads. Its both our faults.
I couldnt pay for a place on my own. I know I couldnt. I have never been on my own before.
And she could pay the rent and thats about it.
I need to stop feeling like I am stuck here.
In reality we do need each other. Financially as well as just because thats how we have been forever.
But I am on my last nerve right now.
ALot of my problem is my fault. Its my own judgmental and critical thiniking and talking thats getting me upset.
And for her its me being that way too.
I am mostly to blame. I will admit it.
Thats why when I say I need a change in my life. I do need one bad.
I need to get outside my comfort zone.
And especially before it happens without it being my choice.
I dont need or want to be thrown into the world unprepared and with no knowledge or skills to survive on my own.
Right now I am just stayin in my room. Cause if we yell at each other one more time. I am goin to lose it.
But again. Like I said. It is mostly my fault. My defects.
I need help. I really do.
I wish there were more ways readliy available besides meetings.
I feel like punching stuff today. And on top of strugglin real bad with urges.
I am a hot mess right now.
Just needed to get that off my chest.
I hate beng super useless like I am right now. Helpless and cant move.
I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just complaining. Complaining for no good reason when there are solutions.
Right now I just need to vent.
Any suggestions on how to calm down and get help other than 12 step and meetings would be great. I can take it all ways.
Just always be real with me. I know I have alot to work on. I will say it first. I have alot to do and seems like I am not looking in the right places if at all for the solution.
I dont know what to do except rant and rant.
Better than gettin high or breaking something I guess for now.
But that only helps so long. It doesnt solve anything.
Aysha is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 09:38 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
vegibean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
You know maybe you should find something to take the focus off what is going on with you right now. I hate getting there to that point, Ugh!!! Even now, I'm bored out of my mind but I'm broke, so I can't go any where however it's not going to kill me to sit here and find something to do. I could read my Stephen King book, I just made myself some lunch. I've done a little searching on Craigslist for "free stuff" in my area (you never know ) and there is always my World of Warcraft.........getting bored with that too, lol!!!

I bet if you give it some time you'll get over how you're feeling. I tell myself that a lot, give it until tomorrow, then if I have to I give myself until the next day. I guess that's why they say "one day at a time." You can get through it if you just put one foot in front of the other.

Baby steps..........
vegibean is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 09:42 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
adore79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
hi trish, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, im in the same boat as you living with my folks. it is intolerable sometimes and other times it is ok. i know i would be on the streets if it wasnt for them but i still cant live here and be happy.
adore79 is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 09:44 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
chi

I have 2 rather messy situations in my life right now that i can clearly identify that my part in them are rather large and glaring....i've know that for 7 months...but i'm still stuck...can't seem to change.

I do AA, the steps, and stuck is still stuck

Someone told me yesterday that they can see i'm about to change...although i can't see it.

Sometimes we stuck till we don't....not sure if thats very positive, but for me it seems that there are often long periods of knowing you need to but not being able to....like the timeing isn't in my control...i put effort into, not enough in my opinion..but i do...

I guess it's sorta like drinking...i didn't understand why i was drunk on June 24th and sober on June 25th...don't think i'll ever really be able to understand it..but i do know that i was tired of drinking and wanting to get sober for years before it finally happened...

So hope is a big one for me...yes action, but hope as well..that some how, someday, if i continue on this journey and don't give up completely...the change will happen.

:ghug i think most of us have been there on one issue or another (hug)
Ananda is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 02:40 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
joedris's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Well, one thing you can do is vent here. That seems to help a lot of people. Another thing I would suggest is collecting a lot of phone numbers at the meetings you attend. Calling each other something that helps us a lot. It would allow you to talk to someone who's either going through or has been through what you're going through. It's great support, and you seem as if you need some support right now. And cool it with the roomate. You need each other right now, like it or not.
joedris is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 03:04 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
 
Aysha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I shouldnt even comment on this. Because I know its goin to get taken wrong.
I have no problem with meetings and people who go to meetings.
I am all for whatever helps anyone. But I have found it is not for me after several tries with them.

And I know it wasnt meant this way. But it did bring a question up for me.

Why do people automatically assume you go to meetings?
Its really not a big deal. But it does get frustrating especially when i just ranted in a whole other thread how I myself felt about that.

I am just frustrated I guess. I am not trying to be mean or be critical. Even tho it looks that way.
I just dont understand why its the first thing alot of people say. Meetings and such that go along with it.

I understand its what may be workign for you. But it feels wrong for someone to assume things about me. Especially when I feel as strong as I do about it for myself.

I need to stop posting for awhile. I am just frustrated and aggravated.

And I am not trying to take it out here.

I am out for a little while. Its all me. I need to step back myself for awhile.
Aysha is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 04:01 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
louis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
Hey....

Don't disappear... its ok to say meetings arent for you... there not for everyone... and i thought the idea of this site was we could get support and be able to express how we feel.... i dont see anything wrong in you doing that...

Im not sure who it is who you live with... one post said parents and another said room mate...
I too have never lived on my own.... tried it once.... didnt like it... ive always lived wih others... from parents, childrens home, homeless hostels, partners, and sharing flats...

It can be hard getting along with people and then feeling stuck that you have nowhere else to go or dont want to be alone... i get that... been there....
I know this probably wont help... but sometimes i just had to accept that there wasn't going to be a solution and get past it.... whether that be having a truce or avoidence for a while (which i know is hard when you live together)...

I had a bad week this week and i nearly drank.... but realised i would have been using it as an excuse because i am worth more and also i know there are other ways to deal with stuff... like you do....

I didn't need to do strenuous (not sure spelling).... Im no good with exercise.... i stumble and thats as close to a jog as i get :o)
But i did need to do something soothing... and not necessarily for me... so i did some clay modelling... its always easier for me to do stuff for others.... still not at the stage of having self worth.... but i am getting there...

Im sorry if this is no help.... please keep posting.... you'll work your way through this and we'll be here to support you.... the worst thing you could do is keep it in through anger...

please take care
be well
louis
louis is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 04:07 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
louis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
P.s....

I like the way that bit of lack of self worth came in there....
Your post started with...
were both at fault..... then
Alot of its my problem.... then
I am mostly to blame.... then to hey presto
ITS ALL ME!!!!!

There are two sides to every story and as i said here before to you... from what i have seen in your posts to others... you seem a kind and sincere person...

Please dont be so hard on yourself :o)
louis is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 04:39 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
I got nothin'
 
Bamboozle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,889
Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
Any suggestions on how to calm down and get help other than 12 step and meetings would be great.

Living with my parents can be a real chore sometimes.

What I've been doing lately is going out on walks and taking my camera with me. It gets me away from my parents...and I get to do something I really enjoy.

I get lost in picture taking. It helps me to slow down and notice my surroundings. It has given me a new appreciation for insects. I still don’t like creepy crawlies, but dang they look neat through a viewfinder.

I know I’ll move out and be on my own eventually. I hate waiting…but….living with my parents gives me incentive to develop my photography skills. My living situation forces me to get into nature…and when I’m surrounded by nature, I get outside of my mind.



Chiy, I know you are recovering from surgery now, but when you are feeling better, get out of the house. Do some gardening…go for a walk…take pictures…maybe volunteer at an animal shelter…any positive thing you enjoy doing and really makes you feel good.

I hope you feel better soon.
Bamboozle is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 04:52 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
mle-sober
 
mle-sober's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Trish,

You are one of my examples in my head of how I KNOW that addiction is a disease. You are so intelligent and passionate. You are motivated. You are not dumb and complacent. You seem like you are simmering sometimes... desperate for a way out. Caught in a trap.

I'm sorry for your situation. You deserve better. We all do. In our active addiction phases, we are miserable. Except for those long, slow slides into euphoria or mania when we use.

But you are just recently post-surgery. And that makes it worse. Much worse, I'm sure. And I'm guessing you are talking about your grandmother who you live with? So you have no personal space. I feel for you. Surgery and the pain that goes with it and the helplessness, is really awful. I've been there many, many times. Eight, this year. When we are better, we forget it. That's the good news.

With your grandmother, it sounds like you are angry. The opposite of anger is to move toward that which your angry at and maybe even do something a little bit nice for them. Doing that can have a strangely positive effect on your own mood. Try it. Without negating your anger or pretending it's not there, say something nice to your grandmother. Compliment her. Recognize her. You don't have to WANT to do it. Just do it. But the trick is to do it full-heartedly. Don't do it with blame or nastiness in your heart. Do it with your full heart open. Do it and mean it.

This can shift your anger each time you do it. It really works. I've done it a lot.

Regarding your miserable-ness: know that it is a huge factor of your addiction. At least it looks like that from here. But the important things here is that you see that it's not YOU. The hurt and anger and misery are NOT you. They are part of what you're going through. They're not permanently attached to your character. Lose the addiction and you lose those feelings. Maybe not overnight. But it will happen. You don't even have to take any 12 steps to get there.

I believe in you. And I know many here do. We believe that you will find a way to climb out of this addiction and all it's claws that are stuck in you. We believe that you will find a way to thrive. Becuase you're you. And that's very impressive. Hang in there. Be gentle on yourself. Be patient.

I know I'm making some assumptions in this reply. I hope none of them stir the pot. I want to offer only friendship and calm, loving hope.

With <3

Emilie
mle-sober is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 04:59 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,058
Trish - today I got nothin' LOL
mle and others here said it all well anyway

just take this ((((Trish)))) and try and relax, dammit

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 05:01 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
Chiy...I know your situation is different than mine with my daughter, but she and I HAD to separate. We were so codependent on each other and there was no way she could get better while living here with me, and there was no way I could get better either. I know you live with your grams and that you love her very much and she loves you as well, but sometimes, it just gets to be too much. Right now, while you are recovering from surgery you don't really have much choice; however, once you are back on your feet, maybe you should give some serious thought to finding another place to live...even temporarily. Can you talk to your dad or another relative and just see if there is any possible way you could stay with them until you can get on your feet? Even if you have to work two jobs to save enough money to get a small place of your own, it would be worth it in the long run. ((((HUGS))))
suki44883 is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 05:02 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
mergirl
 
Gypsy Feet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
some people on here are serial assumption makers trish, let it roll off your back dear.

As for help, have you read the co-dependency thread at all in the newcomers daily section? I am not AA, my problems right now are trying to figure out how to live my life right and be happy. That thread has truly changed my life. I am off to ebay the original book by the author, melody beattie, because just the stuff we all talk about in that thread and the daily inspirations from her are rocking my world.
Things like its ok to feel how you are feeling
Things like you matter and you deserve to be happy
Things I never knew about or believed.
I grew up on the streets after age 15. Ive battled mad drug addictions (meth was my DoC for some time), but there are BASIC human, common sense things I never learned about taking care of MY needs and being well inside myself that I never learned.
Anyway, just a thought. I hope you find SOMETHING that clicks with you soon sugar, it seems like you are really ready right now for a major change. Good luck.
Gypsy Feet is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 05:23 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Attitude of Gratitude
 
serenityqueen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Trish, I love you, I hope you know that. You asked that we be honest, give it to you straight. Ok, here goes.

You can't get your own place until you can hold down a job, you can't hold down a job until you start working a program of Recovery. But the one thing that seems to be your only option right now, you are kicking and screaming about how it doesn't work for you. Honey, how many Meetings have you actually went to? I'm not talking about one here and one there, I mean going to Meetings, day after day, getting to know people, giving them a chance![/ I've told you this before and I'll tell you again, you remind me so much of myself years ago. I lived with my Mom who I could never please. We batted heads constantly. I would dream of the day where I could get a place of my own but I was afraid. Afraid I couldn't make it because I knew that I would continue to use.

I know you're stuck in the house right now healing from surgery. I've been stuck here for the past 7 weeks while my pelvis heals and I'm looking at several more weeks after I have back surgery. This alone can drive anyone nuts! This will be over soon for both of us, I know I have to hang on to that thought at times or else I will go stark raving mad!

I know there's nothing anyone can say to convince you to give Meetings an honest effort. I fought them for years but when I finally SURRENDERED, I was able to begin to work on the issues that caused me to turn to dope and alcohol in the first place. I don't know what else to say to you. Except I do care an awful lot about you and want you to find the inner peace that I have found. If you want it bad enough, you have to be willing to go to any length. What have you got to lose? Misery, anger, hopelessness, self loathing, feelings of uselessness . . . I lost those and much more when I finally surrrendered and I'll be damned if I want them back ever again!

Love ya,
Judy
serenityqueen is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 08:01 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
dedubya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: moving target
Posts: 956
Chi-
dont know what to say- other than youre a good friend. I think Serenity kind of laid it out for you pretty well. I dont know your addiction situation, so i cant comment on that. But i can dam sure tell you i know experience with addiction, and if i can snap it after 20+ years you can. I have never been sober except the last 14 days, and rehab/detox did it- it wasnt easy the first 2 days but got much easier after that. Then I have been to the M word every day since I got out. The bottom line for me was that it really helped me (and continues to) to be around people that had/have similar problems so we could share experiences, successes and failures. I learned a crapload from those guys and gals. Hang in there, and I hope you find something that works for you.
much love-
dub
dedubya is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 08:16 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
 
Aysha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Sry Judy..I do not agree.
And no matter how many times it is repeated. I wont change my view of it for myself.
But I do appreciate your takin the time and honesty. I get it. I just dont agree is all.

I am in a very bad, miserable, confrontational state of mind here the past few days.
I dont know why. I need to be grateful. But I'm not.
I want to stop feelin this friggin pain. I want to go back to work. I dont want to have to depend on anyone helping me do anything..Especially wipin my ass.
I havent **** in a week and that adds to the pain factor.
I am strugglin like crazy with urges. I want to go so bad. But I dont more for now.
I am fighting it and on pins and needles for the past 2 days.
I am tired. I am not in the best frame of mind to be communicating with anyone because I am just down right bein opinionated and a real jerk on purpose.
I am not myself so it will be better for me to stay away until I am back in check. I never want to take this out on anyone. Its all me and my iwn defects right now. But I am takin it out on everyone else.
I cant help it for some reason. So better to just not say too much.
So Thx for carin all of you. But right now. I need to be isolated before I say or do something I dont mean.
Aysha is offline  
Old 05-31-2009, 08:40 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,058
you're not a good patient Trish LOL.
A lot of us aren't - we get antsy and irritable...I get bratty, myself
(I know - shock )

But you've been nothing but gracious as far as I've seen - straight yeah, blunt maybe - but not aggressive.

I hope you come back soon.

I really think this is the best place for you.

People can suggest what they like, and they do it cos they care - but I think sometimes we (including me) can forget that it's up to you to choose your path, and find the way that means the most to you - noone else can do that for you.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 06-01-2009, 10:14 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
 
Aysha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well..Today was a little better. Pain wise and how I felt.
Not much but a little. Me and the grams were at it again today. Talking to her sometimes is so aggravating.
And I feel bad after because its alot on my part. I get really impatient with her. I act like she can read minds and I just expect alot from her.
I think what it is os that she is 70 yrs old. I am use to her being sharp and on top of it all.
She just cant do it anymore. I dont know WTF my problem is. But I should be more sensitive to her. More understanding and taking care of her.
But for some reaosn I get ragin mad sometimes, I dont know if I really am an ungrateful POS. Or I cant cope with her aging and elderly fumbles.
I dont like how I am reacting to it..I know that.
I do act like a total ass to her sometimes over dumb stuff.
I am not proud of it. I just dont know why.
I try often to catch myself and take it easy.
I am goin to regret beion like this when she is gone.
I know it.
I would literally hurt someone real bad if they ever treated my gram like I do sometimes.
So disrespectful and degrading at times.
I am an awful awful person.
I dont know why I only get like that with her.
I hate that I am like that. She deserves way better. She has done nothing but stand by me through it all. And she is the only one who has an always will.
If it wasnt for her. I would have been an orphan or dead when I was a baby.
And the **** I have put her through and she still loves me unconditionally. She never judges me. And she always do anything she could for me. She will go without if she can help me.
So WTF is MY PROBLEM??
I hate myself for being that way.
I really do.
I just dont know why I get like that.
Aysha is offline  
Old 06-01-2009, 11:10 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,058
There's not a person here who can't identify with what you just wrote Trish.

We all have flaws, and issues, and we all do a pretty crappy job sometimes with the people we care about most.

We all have to strive to do better. You're not alone.

And you're not awful - you're just human
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 06-01-2009, 11:58 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
IO Storm
 
IO Storm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Why are you being like that?

Maybe..because you just came off a run and had surgery...now you have pain meds

in your system and you are craving a high.

Trish..it's not the real you! Stop beating yourself up!

I know you want to go...you can't. I am so sorry you are feeling this torment.

Just remember..tell yourself because you know it..you do.

It's not me.

We understand...and we're still with you, Trish.

You will get through this.

IO Storm is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:22 AM.