Trish,
You are one of my examples in my head of how I KNOW that addiction is a disease. You are so intelligent and passionate. You are motivated. You are not dumb and complacent. You seem like you are simmering sometimes... desperate for a way out. Caught in a trap.
I'm sorry for your situation. You deserve better. We all do. In our active addiction phases, we are miserable. Except for those long, slow slides into euphoria or mania when we use.
But you are just recently post-surgery. And that makes it worse. Much worse, I'm sure. And I'm guessing you are talking about your grandmother who you live with? So you have no personal space. I feel for you. Surgery and the pain that goes with it and the helplessness, is really awful. I've been there many, many times. Eight, this year. When we are better, we forget it. That's the good news.
With your grandmother, it sounds like you are angry. The opposite of anger is to move toward that which your angry at and maybe even do something a little bit nice for them. Doing that can have a strangely positive effect on your own mood. Try it. Without negating your anger or pretending it's not there, say something nice to your grandmother. Compliment her. Recognize her. You don't have to WANT to do it. Just do it. But the trick is to do it full-heartedly. Don't do it with blame or nastiness in your heart. Do it with your full heart open. Do it and mean it.
This can shift your anger each time you do it. It really works. I've done it a lot.
Regarding your miserable-ness: know that it is a huge factor of your addiction. At least it looks like that from here. But the important things here is that you see that it's not YOU. The hurt and anger and misery are NOT you. They are part of what you're going through. They're not permanently attached to your character. Lose the addiction and you lose those feelings. Maybe not overnight. But it will happen. You don't even have to take any 12 steps to get there.
I believe in you. And I know many here do. We believe that you will find a way to climb out of this addiction and all it's claws that are stuck in you. We believe that you will find a way to thrive. Becuase you're you. And that's very impressive. Hang in there. Be gentle on yourself. Be patient.
I know I'm making some assumptions in this reply. I hope none of them stir the pot. I want to offer only friendship and calm, loving hope.
With <3
Emilie