Love
So I saw a movie and it got me thinking/crying.....how sad is that???!!!
Do I even know what love is???
Met S. when I was fifteen. He had a nice truck with a bumpin' sound system, pink hair, wore makeup when he went out to the clubs, and had lots of friends. What did I know - sounded cool at the time. It was fun to have a boyfriend. And he was fun.
Until....
The first time my mom met his mom, his mom said, "yeah (my husband) used to hit me, but it was my fault, I didn't shut up."
WOW. What a red flag!!! But I ignored it - or didn't give it the weight I should have, and neither did my mom.
4 years later -- a beautiful son -- and an abusive relationship.
Around 7 years later I met (AH). He was in recovery, was honest about his past, and told me I deserved better. I knew I did. When my son told me he didn't like his dad I knew it was time past time. I left. I called (AH).
He was kind, loving, giving. He drove me to court when I had to get a restraining order. He waited for me in the parking lot after work to make sure I was safe. He was a good father figure to my son (months later). I finally felt loved and safe.
Fast forward to now...past all the relapses, all the ups and downs, and into me trying to find myself and 'recover'. I feel pretty good about me....yet....
I'm honestly not sure I know what love is....in a man/woman relationship. I want love, I yearn for it...and I love AH....just not in the way I feel I should. Will it come back? Was it ever really there in the first place??
My AH has been home a while now - working on staying off pills -- while I work on me.
The thing is...we just coexist. He sees what he wants to see: us still in love and working things out. I see a fractured relationship that I'm not sure about - no matter how many dishes he does. I feel more like a best friend than a wife. He thinks the world of me and I feel sorry for him....and that makes me feel so bad...
I'm 40 and feel pathetic because I stayed in two relationships for the wrong reasons. I'm forty and have known only these two relationships!
Where do I go from here? I go to Alanon meetings. I take care of myself. I keep my focus on my life and what's important to me. But where am I going now????
I think some of this has to do with the fact that my job is uncertain for next year. I may be unemployed as of June 19. So the feelings of being unable to support myself are there - but also that I know - even though I have not acted on it yet - that being alone and happy is better than being with someone for the wrong reasons.
Sigh. Not there yet....