thx Sherri...Thats another thing I cant do is.."Fake it til you make it."
Why would I want to do that?
I am sure there are a bunch of great reasons for others. But for me..I cant do it. I couldnt even fake it in the street to get over on someone. Thats the truth.
I know there is a way for me. I know it isnt goin to be much longer before I snap out of whatever and get on my own path to recovery.
I wish I could get the feel for meetings. There is just alot of things about them that I am not on the same level with.
And I cant try and understand it anymore.
SMART is something I liked doing last year. I may try that again.
I just dont want to be a slave to recovery too.
It may not be that way for the rest of you. But it has been for me. I need to find a way to rid myself of that.
And I do believe it lies in me. With the help of all of you and others and my family. I know that anything is possible.
I am not goin to act like I et what all of you are talking about. Or that I agree.
So this is pretty much me telling anyone who cres to know. That I am very open minded. I am willing to try amost anything. But if I am not feeling it. I will not continue to try and beat a dead horse.
So I must move on somehow.
I have even thought about learning and practicing some sort of spirituality of the mind and body. Like Buddhism or Tao or something like that.
I need to be held accountable for me at all times. I need to be responsible for myself as well.
I am not stupid enough to think I can do this alone. But at the same time. I am not leaving it up to anyone else but me. Its not really doin it my way. Its doin what others suggest or whatever else I see may work. But I am the one who is in charge.
I know I can never do it alone. But I will never do it by letting it go to the wind either.
Its all about me taking the responsibility in everythign I do.
I really just made some of you thin I am lost I am sure.
I am goin to come out of this on the otherside. I guarantee you that.
It is and will happoen. I know it will. And not too far off either.