I am a recovering pill addict. Now clean and sober for 2 years and 4 months. I was on benzo's and opiates for 15 years. I never had any type of anxiety or panic disorder, and am still not sure why I was put on benzo's in the first place.
Not that it really matters. I am the one who abused them.
So, I finally get clean and sober and start having panic attacks. Not surprising really, considering I had been abusing benzo's all of those years. I am sure I never learned to deal with any type of anxiety. The anxiety attacks were usually just at night and were called night terrors. I would wake up being extremely startled and my heart racing.
I was seeing a psych dr. The one that saw me through detox. He understands my aversion to pills. I have been fighting taking anything for over 2 years.
After the first 9 months of my sobriety the panic attacks went away. Only to come back when Hurricane Ike hit. And they have lasted since then. Almost 9 months.
They also started occurring during the day.
This is when I had had enough. I couldn't take it anymore and thought if I continued to try and "live" with them that I would use again.
SO... I went back to the dr. He gave me one medicine that made me way to sleepy. Not anything addictive but I still couldn't take it.
Now I am on Neurontin. It can be used for anxiety and has less propensity for abuse.
I just CANNOT wrap my head around that I need a pill to fix me. Pill were the PROBLEM. How can they be the solution?????
I realize that I am dealing with my pride and ego and probably a little narcissism.
The pills do help the anxiety. I only take them at night. But I freaking
think about them a lot! More than I really care to admit. And I look forward to taking them at night.
Am I in relapse mode??
I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading.