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I need a pill to fix me??

Old 05-26-2009, 08:19 AM
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I need a pill to fix me??

I am a recovering pill addict. Now clean and sober for 2 years and 4 months. I was on benzo's and opiates for 15 years. I never had any type of anxiety or panic disorder, and am still not sure why I was put on benzo's in the first place.

Not that it really matters. I am the one who abused them.

So, I finally get clean and sober and start having panic attacks. Not surprising really, considering I had been abusing benzo's all of those years. I am sure I never learned to deal with any type of anxiety. The anxiety attacks were usually just at night and were called night terrors. I would wake up being extremely startled and my heart racing.

I was seeing a psych dr. The one that saw me through detox. He understands my aversion to pills. I have been fighting taking anything for over 2 years.

After the first 9 months of my sobriety the panic attacks went away. Only to come back when Hurricane Ike hit. And they have lasted since then. Almost 9 months.

They also started occurring during the day.

This is when I had had enough. I couldn't take it anymore and thought if I continued to try and "live" with them that I would use again.

SO... I went back to the dr. He gave me one medicine that made me way to sleepy. Not anything addictive but I still couldn't take it.

Now I am on Neurontin. It can be used for anxiety and has less propensity for abuse.

I just CANNOT wrap my head around that I need a pill to fix me. Pill were the PROBLEM. How can they be the solution?????

I realize that I am dealing with my pride and ego and probably a little narcissism.

The pills do help the anxiety. I only take them at night. But I freaking think about them a lot! More than I really care to admit. And I look forward to taking them at night. Am I in relapse mode??

I just don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 05-26-2009, 08:23 AM
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I'm not sure you're in relapse mode, Tan, but you're wise to be cautious.

What natural methods have you applied to help your anxiety? I know you had been doing yoga and exercising - are you still doing these things? What about meditation/prayer?

I've never had a true panic attack, despite a history of benzo abuse. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. Would I take the pill, if all else failed? Hard to say from my current vantage point.

If you are thinking of them a lot, and looking forward to taking them at night, I would suggest that is a warning sign right there.

It's your decision, Tan, and I'll support you whatever you decide to do.

Hugs.
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Old 05-26-2009, 08:28 AM
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I tapered myself completely off of Benzos and learned to manage my acute anxiety through use of the 12 step program.

For me, anxiety was about trying to control the future and fretting about the past.

My anxiety was very 'real'... I was hospitalized twice when it became severe.

The NA/AA principles and the 12 steps were the answer for me.
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Old 05-26-2009, 08:34 AM
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Tanya pills were not my problem so I can not speak to this from experience, but you may want to speak to your doc about "Looking forward" to taking them at night and thinking about them constantly. Perhaps some folks whose problem with pills can share some experience with them.

I have been lucky in my sobriety so far and have not been prescribed any pills that may lead me into trouble so the best thing I can hold out is not experience, talk to your doctor and hopefully some one with some experience will come along with sager words then mine.
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Old 05-26-2009, 08:40 AM
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I do a lot of prayer and meditation. Especially when I am having the attacks. I have worked the steps and continue to do that on a daily basis. I go to meetings and work with newcomers.

The attacks are PHYSICAL. I don't think I'm having panic attacks because I'm not spiritual!
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Old 05-26-2009, 08:44 AM
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Tanya, it's good that you are questioning what is happening.

I have had anxiety problems since childhood, long before I knew it had a name. I had my first panic attack when I sat down to write an exam at university and I just about lost it. I think part of the reason I began drinking was to cope with anxiety/depression. Of course, it made those things much worse.

I still have anxiety problems and I still sometimes have panic attacks. Once in a while, I think of asking the dr for something and I brought it up with her recently. I am very reluctant to start taking medication for it. I have seen so many people here get stuck on ativan and xanax and I have a huge fear of that. So, I am dealing with my insomnia and chronic pain, both of which were increasing my anxiety, with the hope that it will have an effect on the generalized anxiety. I would love for there to be a safe, simple way to get rid of the anxiety, but there isn't. What I have done is to read a lot of information and there are ways to deal with anxiety. There are a lot of really good books on the subject. Breathing techniques really work for me, staying focused, understanding the biology of what is happening, yoga, exercise - all those things help me.
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Old 05-26-2009, 08:45 AM
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a shrink told me once that there is a psychoactive medication for everyone who needs it, it is just about finding the right one. It is complicated for people like us who are prone to abusing substances. i am prescribed benzos and amphetamines and the only way i can take them is by having them given to me each day so that i dont have access to the entire bottle of pills. it is working for me, that is something you might think about doing if you have a friend/loved one willing to do it for you.
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Old 05-26-2009, 08:54 AM
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There have been many articles and cases about neurontin (also known as Gabapentin) as it's often prescribed for anxiety but really is not meant for that (it's practically a placebo). For me, just the action of taking a pill made my mouth water, so maybe that's what you're missing and that's what is causing the panic attacks? I was also a benzo & opiate addict (I was on benzo's for 6 years straight) and if you did not taper off them correctly you most likely will experience anxiety/panic attacks just from the typical withdrawl. I still experience panic attacks, as well as nocturnal anxiety attacks, even though I haven't used benzo's daily for a while - just minor slip ups heh

The best way to treat anxiety is cognitive therapy and exercise routines/relaxation/meditation, medicating anxiety only prolongs it and works for the short term, IMO.
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Old 05-26-2009, 09:19 AM
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If you were in "relapse mode", you'd be trying to rationalize or justify why using ______ is your only option. This appears to be another area for you to do the right thing for the right reasons. Stay strong in your recovery and continue to apply what you have learned so far! Accept what God's will is for your life and stay on a practical path in taking care of your health!! Pay attention to how the disease of addiction tries to back you into a corner by telling you that your less than who you are, by twisting your thinking around about what you are doing!!!
Easy does it, stay focused on your recovery. Stay in contact with your sponsor and have faith in yourself.

According to my previous psych doctor, i have several mental and emotional conditions which (in his opinion) requires medication. i totally understand how you feel about being prescribed something to 'fix' what a medical professional has diagnosed that you have a problem with. It wasn't until i made a decision for myself about how i would treat those "problems" that i began to find other ways to deal with them. Living life centered on spiritual principles has helped reduce the intensity of many of those difficulties for me. Surrendering my will and my life to the God of my understanding on a daily basis helps me to recognize that i am in the care of a power greater than myself (no matter what). Somedays, i experience a few overwhelming symptoms of what i have been diagnosed with, but i don't look at it as something that i must 'suffer' from. It is what it is and i continue to be able to do what i need to do without any mood or mind altering substances to help me. It's a decision i have made for how i want to live and i take complete responsibility for that. It works for me and i'm OK with that, one day at a time. i continue to ask for help with the exact nature of my problems, rather than the seemingly never ending symptoms of them.
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Old 05-26-2009, 09:50 AM
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I have no history with abusing pills (just alcohol ) but I have been dealing with anxiety.

I have been sober for 17 months (since December 2007).

December 2007 to September 2008 was a period of relatively low anxiety, my recovery progressing, some stress but manageable.

From September 2008 to April 2009, I experienced periods of serious anxiety. It started with the stock market crash and other "major" disturbances in my life. I also started to let relatively minor things drive me crazy.

Finally, I just had enough. My life is good - enough of that BS, my mind telling me otherwise.

And the past month or so has been just fine. For the most part, accepting life on life's terms, grateful for everything, focused, at peace - happy!

My answer has been spiritual growth - through the steps, spiritual readings (Wayne Dwyer, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle), and practice.

It sounds simple (because it is) but I can just focus (or meditate) on peace and have it. We all can. I look at my life this very moment - my family is fine, I'm healthy, I have a good job, I'm sober - what more can I ask for?

After the first 9 months of my sobriety the panic attacks went away.
So you know that it is possible. Take some comfort in that - that this too shall pass. You can & will find a way to get through this.
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Old 05-26-2009, 09:54 AM
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I had a real problem with benzos and got off them before I got sober. I have had panic attacks in sobriety but like others have said, working the steps and my program has helped the most. If they were really bad, I just "went with them" and got some advice on how best to get through them e.g. how to breathe and if necessary use a paper to breathe into. But like others have said, working the steps and my program is what really got rid of them. I don't take any meds but that is my choice.
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Old 05-26-2009, 09:59 AM
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Perhaps you could see the neurontin as "training wheels" until you can use cognitive skills or the 12 steps to prevent or relieve a panic attack...

Panic attacks can be overwhelming and in and of themselves might make you more likely to relapse?

I abused pills... But I was unsupervised and used them to adjust myself, for any little reason... Now, if I were to be prescribed pills, I would see them as a bridge to being completely chemical free, or, a way to prevent abusive use of other chemicals.

Just my 2 cents

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Old 05-26-2009, 10:12 AM
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For Clarification:

Originally Posted by tanyapmc View Post
Now clean and sober for 2 years and 4 months.
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Old 05-26-2009, 10:50 AM
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The "looking forward to them" thing is worrying, Tan. And the "thinking a lot about them."

After I last drank I had the worst panic attack I have had for years, I thought I was gonna have to go to the ER or something, I thought I was gonna crack up.
I forced myself to not think, I lay down and put on an Eckhart Tolle audio thing that I find relaxing and emptied my mind as much as possible, I think the fact that I have been meditating on and off for a while helped me do that.

I would strongly recommend meditation/mindfulness training whether you decided to keep taking the pills or not.

Whether or not you should keep taking them, I really can't say. I hope you can get some relief from the anxiety as I know how horrible it is.
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Old 05-26-2009, 11:14 AM
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Tanya,

That panic and anxiety do affect your body in a physical way. There have been times when I KNEW I was going to die. My heart races, I can barely breathe, my arm and hand become tingly, my mind goes at warp speed and I cannot form a logical thought. But, you can learn to calm your mind and body to some extent by having a firm spiritual belief, that you are not just the body in the situation.
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Old 05-26-2009, 12:11 PM
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the night terrors and being tied to scary events flags as possible PTSD to me.

The best way I know to combat that is to culltivate a feeling of safety.

I also have the physical sensations when I hear certain things even tho' I do not consciously feel perturbed mentally or emotionally...my body hears and reacts.
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Old 05-26-2009, 12:43 PM
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(((Tanya)))

I am going through something similar, right now. Although I can see where it is a concern, that you are thinking about the neurontin and looking forward to it, the very fact that you are aware of this, and telling on yourself is a good thing.

The meds I am taking are for PTSD from the robbery at work. It angers me that I can't just "get over it" but I can't. I know some people can use their recovery tools to get through anything, but apparently I'm not one of those people.

My recovery is strong; I have a very close relationship with my HP; heck I even quit smoking! Despite all this I am still having physical reactions to stress that I can't live with and I require medication. And yes, I do have an appt. with a counselor next week.

I understand how you feel...we bust our butts to get away from any kind of drugs, only to find out we need a drug to "fix" us? WTF? All I know is we've faced a few challenges in recovery, and gotten through them, and we'll get through this one, too.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-26-2009, 02:46 PM
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Thanks everyone.

And Amy you make me feel so not alone. As well as some others here. ty
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Old 05-26-2009, 05:44 PM
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Tanya, I think that all the answers you got are extremely valuable.

I thought I'd chip in because no one mentioned CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). During my late teens and early 20s, prescribed benzos masked my disabling panic attacks, but CBT is what ultimately took care of them. I'm confident that I'm effectively "cured" (that's a word no one uses lightly around here ) of that condition, as I've been panic-free for over...6? years now. I suggest you look into that form of therapy, if at all possible.
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Old 05-26-2009, 05:53 PM
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I appreciate that. I have been through a lot of CBT. I am not in weekly therapy right now but when I see my shrink we usually have an hour session. Around here it is strange for a shrink to meet with you that long. But he like to do CBT as well as meds.
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