SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

05-23-2009, 08:44 AM

# 3 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Welcome to SR, standing! I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions to help clarify your situation. How many siblings do you have? Are you the oldest child? Where is your dad these days?

Quote:

Am I just trying to find an excuse for my social problems, boughts of depression, and failure at intimate relationships? I feel like a 25 year child and misfit.

I bet you feel like a misfit. Afterall, it sounds like this has been the status quo in your life for a long time. How dare you rock the boat by questioning it!

Children have really good instincts; you are certainly no exception. However, the thing about growing up in a dysfunctional family is that having good instincts is not always convenient for your parents. They re-train you to question yourself - your feelings, your boundaries, even to allow yourself to remain in physical danger. Most of us ACoAs comply because we love our parents and need them to love us in return. We don't get unconditional, supportive love. We learn that it has to be earned through hard loyalty and tremendous personal sacrifice. This is one of the things that sets us apart from "normal" people - we were not raised learning a healthy definition of love. This is why even if we escape, the effects trickle down into the rest of our lives, our social lives, emotions, and relationships. For many ACoAs not in recovery, we wouldn't even know what to do with healthy love if we had it. That's how messed up we become.

This shows in your writing: you know this isn't fair, and yet you're justifying it the way you've been taught:

Quote:

I found out Santa was fake after I woke up to an empty tree, because mom partied too much the night before and was spending the night at some guy's house. I sometimes get mad at myself, thinking I'm just being whiney. I mean, she was the one that was physically abused as a child. I was only slapped rarely, and it never left a bruise.

She let you down. Being abused does not make it okay to abuse other people.

I can't emphasize enough: family is not a license for abuse. Just because you're family doesn't make it okay.

Quote:

Am I too busy thinking about myself, when I should be helping her?

I think you've got it backwards. You've been thinking about her for so long that it feels unnatural to think about yourself. Everyone needs to take care of themselves. This is not something you compromise or only practice when you're not around family. Everyone needs to take care of themselves, especially you.

I commend you for reaching out, standing. But be aware that starting these steps is not easy. If possible, start attending Al-anon meetings or see a counsellor whose specializes in addiction problems (an ACoA-familiar counsellor would be ideal).

Unfortunately knowing that your life needs to change is the easy part. Deciding what you want for yourself and how to do that still requires a LOT of self-work. It'll requires un-learning unhealthy thinking and re-learning better, healthier habits. In the meantime, please post here as often as you like.