Raised on Denial

Old 05-23-2009, 07:12 AM
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Raised on Denial

Hi. I' new here, but I spent a long time reading threads last night. I'm 25. My parents got divorced 3 years ago, but were seperated at least 13 years ago. I can't be sure exactly when they seperated, because I was young and don't actually remember a lot of my childhood. Anyways, when they divorced recently, my mother became addicted to meth(among several other narcotics). She OD'd twice, and after seemed to be following her 30 day program. I was sure she had quit. Then, the other day, her boyfriend called me in the middle of the night. He was scared and had taken her to the hospital. Apparantly, she had not told him about her substance abuse problems... so, her third overdose caught him by surprise. I was angry with her, but have been visiting her everyday in the hospital. I'm about to make the hour long drive with my little brothers again today.

Looking back, I began to wonder when exactly this started. Was it normal to spend weekends in hotel rooms as a child, getting checked on by drunk parents every couple hours? My fondest childhood memories are books I read and movies/tv shows I watched. Am I overexagerating, somehow making new situations up in my head? My mother was raised by an abusive alcoholic father. Am I too busy thinking about myself, when I should be helping her? I found out Santa was fake after I woke up to an empty tree, because mom partied too much the night before and was spending the night at some guy's house. I sometimes get mad at myself, thinking I'm just being whiney. I mean, she was the one that was physically abused as a child. I was only slapped rarely, and it never left a bruise.

Am I just trying to find an excuse for my social problems, boughts of depression, and failure at intimate relationships? I feel like a 25 year child and misfit.

Last edited by standing; 05-23-2009 at 07:37 AM.
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:44 AM
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Hello there, standing, and welcome to our little corner of recovery

Originally Posted by standing View Post
... Was it normal to spend weekends in hotel rooms as a child, getting checked on by drunk parents....
nope. Definetly _not_ normal. And not _healthy_ either. Having been raised by drunks myself I can tell you it is, unfortunately, common.

Originally Posted by standing View Post
... Am I overexagerating,....
nope. Being raised by drunks is a very painful experience. Children are _not_ adults, and lack the emotional strength with which to deal with those kinds of situations. That's why it hurts so much.

Originally Posted by standing View Post
... Am I too busy thinking about myself, when I should be helping her?....
Nope on that one also. One of the things we talk a lot about is called "boundaries" and "enabling". Basically, those are concepts that help us decide when it is apropriate to help somebody who truly is in need, and when we need to stay away from somebody who is perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. It took me awhile to learn how to do that, as I was raised to always cover up and protect my drunk parents.

Originally Posted by standing View Post
... I sometimes get mad at myself, thinking I'm just being whiney. ....
Doesn't sound like "whiney" to me. "Whiney" sounds like something my parents would acuse me of in order to keep me under control and brainwashed into denial.

Originally Posted by standing View Post
... I mean, she was the one that was physically abused as a child. ....
If she was physically abused as a child she can go see any one of thousands of shrinks and get her head straightened out. She can get into any one of many recovery programs from churches to AA to SMART and on and on. There is a world of opportunities for her to get off the chaos of addiction and become a responsible adult.

Which is what _you_ are doing by posting on this forum.

Originally Posted by standing View Post
...I was only slapped rarely, and it never left a bruise. ....
Not on the outside you didn't get a bruise. However, child abuse creates "bruises" on the _inside_. I was both physically and emotionally abused. The physical damage healed up quickly, and the pain from those injuries faded within a few weeks. The _emotional_ injuries stayed with me well into adulthood and took a _lot_ of work to heal up.

Originally Posted by standing View Post
... Am I just trying to find an excuse for my social problems, boughts of depression, and failure at intimate relationships?....
Nope ( aren't you getting tired of me saying "nope"? )

For me it wasn't an "excuse", for me it was the "diagnosis". I had social problems, low self-esteem, difficulties with relationships, hostility towards authority, and on and on as a result of having been raised in a "toxic family". Nobody ever _taught_ me how to get along with other humans. All I learned was how to survive in a bar disguised as a family.

Once I knew the diagnosis for my toxic emotional reactions I knew where to go find the "medicine", which for me was a few good shrinks and lots of 12 step programs.

Originally Posted by standing View Post
... I feel like a 25 year child and misfit.....
Not around here, you fit in just fine. We're all working on getting rid of our "toxic" upbringing and building a new life for ourselves that is happy, joyous and free.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:44 AM
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Welcome to SR, standing! I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions to help clarify your situation. How many siblings do you have? Are you the oldest child? Where is your dad these days?

Am I just trying to find an excuse for my social problems, boughts of depression, and failure at intimate relationships? I feel like a 25 year child and misfit.
I bet you feel like a misfit. Afterall, it sounds like this has been the status quo in your life for a long time. How dare you rock the boat by questioning it!

Children have really good instincts; you are certainly no exception. However, the thing about growing up in a dysfunctional family is that having good instincts is not always convenient for your parents. They re-train you to question yourself - your feelings, your boundaries, even to allow yourself to remain in physical danger. Most of us ACoAs comply because we love our parents and need them to love us in return. We don't get unconditional, supportive love. We learn that it has to be earned through hard loyalty and tremendous personal sacrifice. This is one of the things that sets us apart from "normal" people - we were not raised learning a healthy definition of love. This is why even if we escape, the effects trickle down into the rest of our lives, our social lives, emotions, and relationships. For many ACoAs not in recovery, we wouldn't even know what to do with healthy love if we had it. That's how messed up we become.

This shows in your writing: you know this isn't fair, and yet you're justifying it the way you've been taught:

I found out Santa was fake after I woke up to an empty tree, because mom partied too much the night before and was spending the night at some guy's house. I sometimes get mad at myself, thinking I'm just being whiney. I mean, she was the one that was physically abused as a child. I was only slapped rarely, and it never left a bruise.
She let you down. Being abused does not make it okay to abuse other people.

I can't emphasize enough: family is not a license for abuse. Just because you're family doesn't make it okay.

Am I too busy thinking about myself, when I should be helping her?
I think you've got it backwards. You've been thinking about her for so long that it feels unnatural to think about yourself. Everyone needs to take care of themselves. This is not something you compromise or only practice when you're not around family. Everyone needs to take care of themselves, especially you.

I commend you for reaching out, standing. But be aware that starting these steps is not easy. If possible, start attending Al-anon meetings or see a counsellor whose specializes in addiction problems (an ACoA-familiar counsellor would be ideal).

Unfortunately knowing that your life needs to change is the easy part. Deciding what you want for yourself and how to do that still requires a LOT of self-work. It'll requires un-learning unhealthy thinking and re-learning better, healthier habits. In the meantime, please post here as often as you like.
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Old 05-23-2009, 10:31 AM
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Sending you hugs, standing. Your upbringing sounds very much like mine, and well, like all of ours here on the board.

You are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not self-centered, and you are not whining.

You were simply the child of an addict, and bear the emotional burden of that.

I'm so glad you found us. All of us have suffered, and all of us have common traits as a result. Together, we share ideas, insights, support, even advice, to help one another work through our challenges and lead better, happier lives.

You have a right to that. Your mother is making her own choices, and suffering her own consequences. Sad as that is, it is out of your control.

But you CAN control your own life, and start to move in the direction of healing.

:ghug
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Old 05-23-2009, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by standing View Post
Am I just trying to find an excuse for my social problems, boughts of depression, and failure at intimate relationships? I feel like a 25 year child and misfit.
Not much I can add to the replies you've already got, but just speaking as a 46-year-old misfit who does not totally feel like a grownup, I can say for sure that none of the stuff you're describing is an "excuse" -- it's part of who you are. Growing up in an alkie household does this -- it is NOT our fault that we had trouble dealing with it.

That's why I've been going to more ACoA and not quite as much Al-Anon (which I've been going to since '95) in recent months. ACoA offers more concrete steps, in the sense of, "This is what you need to do if you want to get better."

T
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Old 05-23-2009, 04:20 PM
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Welcome to SR! Welcome to this band of recovering misfits.
Everything you have read above is true, particularly:
1) Your childhood was abnormal. ACOA behaviors cross all class and ethnic boundaries.
2) You childhood is still affecting your present. You learned all about love, relationships, and responsibility from alcoholics, and those lessons do not work well in the normal world.
3) The lessons you learned as a child can be unlearned. The lessons are deeply embedded, almost at the level of instinct, and take effort to work out.
4) Only your mother can decide if she wants to recover. The unalienable dignity of any human requires us to let an addicted person direct their own life and recovery, and the experience of many families proves that helping often enables the addiction. Many ACOA's fall into addiction, but the recovery process is the same as for all addicts.
5) Your recovery is your priority, not someone else's recovery. The problem with being a martyr is that they are only useful after they die.
6) Good ideas: counseling, alanon/acoa meetings, posting here more.

I hope the visit goes well for you and your brothers.
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:30 PM
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I'd like to thank all of you for replying. It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling these things. I will definately look up Al-Anon, which I think I have heard of there being a group in town.

Originally Posted by dothi View Post
Welcome to SR, standing! I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions to help clarify your situation. How many siblings do you have? Are you the oldest child? Where is your dad these days?
I have a twin sister and two younger brothers. My brothers are 2 years and 4 years younger than my sister and me. For about a year, we have all been living near him. I actually work for his company right now. When I was 18, I left my mother's house. Before moving to my current apartment, I lived in a series of trailers and apartments with different groups of friends(never staying in one place long enough to renew a lease). My sister and brothers remained at my mother's house, until we moved into the same complex that all of us just renewed our leases at.

Last edited by standing; 05-23-2009 at 07:39 PM. Reason: Additional
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Old 06-11-2009, 07:23 PM
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Hey!!! You have found an awesome place too seek direction....you will read some books, talk to some people, and ultimately you will come to the conclusion that your mom's stuff is your mom's stuff...you will be congenial to her but not personal, you will not trust her but you will love her. You are an amazing person because of your past and you will choose where your path will lead you. Just because those close to you choose to live they way they do does not mean you are obligated to do the same, even if you grew up the same. Karma is an equalizer, you don't have to worry about weather or not your mom or family get what they did....you can move on and worry about getting healthy yourself, the others will be taken care of.....http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ilies/c015.gif
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Old 06-15-2009, 09:28 AM
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No, you are certainly NOT being whiny, and your childhood was very abnormal. It sounds like you are just starting to come out of the denial stage and into the discovery stage. Your childhood has given you certain tools that helped you cope as a child, but they no longer work for your adult life.

I hope you continue with your discovery stage. There is much healing to be done if you want to start it. Start with some really good books on the subject. They can be found at your library or they can get them for you through inter library loans.

Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz

Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step By Step Guide To Discovery And Recovery by Wayne Kritsberg

Lifeskills for Adult Children by Ed.D. Janet G. Woititz and M.A. Alan Garner
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