Why does it seem like I am trying to trip myself up?
I did good all weekend. Got paid Friday and didnt even think about wanting to get high.
I even have money putaway. Not a whole lot but enough that I would make that drive if I wanted to. I wont go with less than 50.
I got me and gram some KFC she has been cravin for a few weeks. Payed my aunt back $80 she paid for the vet for me. a few days before pay day.
Put the weeks gas in the van. Gave my gram money for the Dr.
And I got a few tips at work too. So I have a good bit of change on me now.
Yesterday I am cleaning a room and I look in the corner and I see this stuff sticking out of the wall on the floor. I pullon it and a chunk of chore comes out of a hole in the wall. I am like WTF!
Just what I didnt need to see.
Obviously someone was smokin out in that room who knows when.
I instantly start thinking back on the days we use to be in hotels gettin high.
Thinking abut the crazy plaaces I would hide ****.
I pretty much forgot about it in a matter of minutes.
Today I started thinking about things that have happened surrounding gettin high. I had to make myself stop.
And now I am sitting here. Kinda bored. I got the next 2 days off. I dont have anyhting to pay. And my stupid ass is running possibility in my mind.
Why would I even do that to myself?
I am seriously thinking I could go get a 50 and be ok when its gone.
I act like I dont already know. What the hell is wrong with me.
I dont want to hear its my addiciton. I am fully aware of myself thinking this crap. I know its wrong but I still play with the idea.
I know I would hate myself if I did go. I know how awful it was the last time. And the time before that and before that and so on. I know what is goin to be like when its gone. One big huge mind F and chaotic desperation from hell.
Yet I have the idea there.
When they say our brains are screwed up and rewired. Theya rent kidding. You gotta be some kinda messed up in the head to know all that and still think it might be a good idea at the same time.
What a freakin joke this **** is. I am not going to go. I can guarantee you that. It just pisses me off that my mind plays that BS game with me.
Does this self sabotage ever go away?
Does it ever just be?
Will I ever get to that point where the initial thought everytime I have money wont be to get high or not to get high?
I never know myself because I never get more than a couple months clean at a time.
I am so tired of this drug and the hold it has had and still does sometimes.
I hate the person that gave me my first hit. I would never wish that stuff on anyone. Never.
I feel like I have een handed a life sentence of some kind.
Ok..end rant. Sorry.