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Why does it seem like I am trying to trip myself up?

Old 05-18-2009, 05:59 PM
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Why does it seem like I am trying to trip myself up?

I did good all weekend. Got paid Friday and didnt even think about wanting to get high.
I even have money putaway. Not a whole lot but enough that I would make that drive if I wanted to. I wont go with less than 50.
I got me and gram some KFC she has been cravin for a few weeks. Payed my aunt back $80 she paid for the vet for me. a few days before pay day.
Put the weeks gas in the van. Gave my gram money for the Dr.
And I got a few tips at work too. So I have a good bit of change on me now.

Yesterday I am cleaning a room and I look in the corner and I see this stuff sticking out of the wall on the floor. I pullon it and a chunk of chore comes out of a hole in the wall. I am like WTF!
Just what I didnt need to see.
Obviously someone was smokin out in that room who knows when.
I instantly start thinking back on the days we use to be in hotels gettin high.
Thinking abut the crazy plaaces I would hide ****.
I pretty much forgot about it in a matter of minutes.

Today I started thinking about things that have happened surrounding gettin high. I had to make myself stop.

And now I am sitting here. Kinda bored. I got the next 2 days off. I dont have anyhting to pay. And my stupid ass is running possibility in my mind.
Why would I even do that to myself?
I am seriously thinking I could go get a 50 and be ok when its gone.
I act like I dont already know. What the hell is wrong with me.
I dont want to hear its my addiciton. I am fully aware of myself thinking this crap. I know its wrong but I still play with the idea.
I know I would hate myself if I did go. I know how awful it was the last time. And the time before that and before that and so on. I know what is goin to be like when its gone. One big huge mind F and chaotic desperation from hell.

Yet I have the idea there.
When they say our brains are screwed up and rewired. Theya rent kidding. You gotta be some kinda messed up in the head to know all that and still think it might be a good idea at the same time.

What a freakin joke this **** is. I am not going to go. I can guarantee you that. It just pisses me off that my mind plays that BS game with me.

Does this self sabotage ever go away?
Does it ever just be?
Will I ever get to that point where the initial thought everytime I have money wont be to get high or not to get high?
I never know myself because I never get more than a couple months clean at a time.

I am so tired of this drug and the hold it has had and still does sometimes.
I hate the person that gave me my first hit. I would never wish that stuff on anyone. Never.
I feel like I have een handed a life sentence of some kind.

Ok..end rant. Sorry.
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Old 05-18-2009, 06:19 PM
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Trish,

It doesn't have to seem like a life sentence. It's a better way to live your life. And, you're doing well, you have a job, your debts are paid. So, Trish, let me ask you, what do you think is missing? If you're bored, what can do to fill your time in a positive way? You're a smart woman, Trish and you have the answers.
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Old 05-18-2009, 06:29 PM
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Don't ever apologize for eaching out Trish. Its better then going through with these thoughts. You will get past these thoughts. I believe you will.

Stress used to make me want to drink, but lately that's changed. Don't know why and don't care, but it has changed and for that I'm grateful. Just keep doing what you're doing and reaching out and telling on yourself so to speak.

Finding an outlet helps. Bored and what can you do to divert the boredom? Do you go to the movies? You've got the money to. I love and miss going to the movies. My next movie is that Part 2 to the Night at the Museum and maybe, if I'm lucky, Harry Potter. Huge fan of both movies. Will take son to Night, but not Potter.

It will pass Trish. Find something to do with your time off. That may help you. PM me whenever this week. I'm home, as you might know. Hugs and thanks for being there for me.
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Old 05-18-2009, 06:43 PM
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Boredom was always a huge trigger for me and my first thought for so long was to drink it away, so I have some idea of what that may be like for you. I DO believe that eventually those thoughts will fade, Trish.Each time we say no to them and stop ourselves 'running down that track' we get a little bit stronger.

The thought of drinking still occurs for me-but I can dismiss it much more easily these days, but like you, I've relapsed quite a few times in the past two years, yet these days?Those thoughts just don't have the same power over me anymore like they used to.

I've become an expert, though at distracting myself till they go away.Some of that has been rediscovering the things that I used to love doing.Baking, gardening, sewing...

I'm just wondering-what is it you enjoy doing?You have two days off and some money to play with, so why not use it doing something that nurtures you?Like HL said-go to the movies....go see a play?I know you love music-what about buying yourself a new cd you've wanted? You mentioned a while ago you were growing some tomatoes?Do you have a garden there or are they in pots?Maybe go to a garden center and buy some flowers to grow in pots? Go for a walk and take photos of whatever interests you maybe?

I know these sound like simple ideas-but I just find re-engaging in activites like this while partly distracting me from the thought of drinking, also nurture me in living a different life.

As Anna said-you are a smart woman.What could you do that feeds that part of yourself?

I do believe it will get better for you but it means you have to make some changes too-that's the harder part.I know you can do this.Hang in there,

Jules xox
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Old 05-18-2009, 06:56 PM
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You know really...I think it is more like what classical said.
I have been really busy the past week or so with my grams havin surgery and all. I have been running like a maniac for days strait.
I dont do that. I am not the responsible take care of everything type. but I have the past week and a half non stop. Which is nothing. But for me it is alot. Because I just dont do it. But someone has to. And its goin to be like that more and more with my grams aging and all.
I have no problem with it. But it is exhausting. Amnd I maybe feel like I want to get high as my way of unwinding and relaxing.
Kinda like classical and drinking on the deck.
Like I cant enjoy my down time cmpletely strait.
I am so use to enhancing relaxation time that I dont really know how to do it clean.
I do but it just seems more rewarding if your altering your mind. Does that make sense?

So right now I am just goin to watch my DVR shows. And probably go to sleep.
Tomorrow I will ..I dont know..DO something I guess. I need my brakes fixed. Maybe I will go get those and then hope my dad or uncle will do it for me.

Then maybe go look for my uniform that I cant seem to find anywhere.
Take my bottles back. I have a Dr appt in the afternoon.
I have surgery myself next Tues. I will be out of work for at elast 2 weeks.
So I really dont have money to blow. I just dont have a use for it at the moment.

Thanks for being here.
I do like this posting and tellin on myself thing.
I was thinking right after I clicked send. That I wouldnt have even done that much last year. And if I did..I would have clicked send and been right out the door at the same time.

Now,,I need to get it out. And I really do do it in hopes that the time that it takes me to post and get and read respinses and just keep posting and reading will distract me enough where time just passes and I am over it.

Works almost everytime.

Cool beans. I am goin to wtch tv yall. Thx..I dont know what I would do without yall.
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Old 05-18-2009, 08:28 PM
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I like how you 'tell on' yourself, too. Because chances are, someone else is feeling the exact same way.

Good for you, Chiy. Rockin' good!
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Old 05-18-2009, 11:07 PM
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I totally identify with all you said Trish, the same thought processes.

I think the more we get through these thoughts the more our brains change their wiring.
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Old 05-19-2009, 02:24 AM
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Trish you're doing so super great!! Don't ever give up on yourself. There are tons of battles that I know we're going to have to deal with but I truly believe those in front of us that say it gets easier.

You're taking care of your responsibilities, you're working, your coming here and sharing. You deserve a nice pat on the back. Keep it up Girl. I know it will get easier and I know one day you'll look back and go "Whew, I got through that. AWESOME!!!"

YOU CAN DO IT TRISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-19-2009, 02:53 AM
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Trish glad you made it through the in your head deal, as others have shared, I too found in early sobriety that doing things helped to break that thought process, to tell on myself, to call another alcoholic, sometimes just to talk, other times to see what they did to get through those times when the old thought process was active. The one sure fire way of getting the crap out of my head was going to a meeting, seeing and talking to some one who had just walked through the door and seeing just how good I had it sober.

Today the thought of a drink for me is out of my head as quickly as it enters, a drink is no longer even a serious option for me for any thing, I am sure this is a result of time, living the steps, going to meetings, helping other alcoholics, and doing things with family and friends.

What is really cool is today what I used to feel was boring is now peaceful and serene, at times when I am alone, I just relax, I take in the world around me, I sit in awe of nothing but the universe and its inner workings. There was a time when I would have thought "Damn, a drink would sure make this better, I am bored as hell!" Simple meditation, letting it come and go.

Trish give it time, work on becoming comfortable in your own skin, time....... time takes time, not always easy, but if you give it time & keep workiing on your self, in time things will get better.
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Old 05-19-2009, 04:22 AM
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Great post trish: I wrestle with that kind of **** all the time: just this morning I thought exactly the same thing you said: does the self-sabotage ever go away?

For me, there is no choice anymore. Everytime I relapse it sucks. I can't choose the drunk life again. If I choose that life, I will kill myself. That is no joke. I was always cutting, burning and breaking something in my body when I drank. Messed up knee? Drunk and dancing on a table. All by myself. Two broken toes? Drunk and dropped stuff on me. Major scar tissue on my left hand. Drunk and got tangled up in barbed wire. A signifigant portion of my life was spent with bandaids on my fingers.

Now that I am trying to stay sober, I am learning all this stuff about myself that isn't fun. But, it's better than stuffing it.

I have program stuff lined up every second day of the week because I'm apparently a fragile case and anything can make me drink again.

I think we are in a similar place right now. I thought my sobriety was SO solid for 8 months and then I relapsed.

I can't really give you any advice but what I am trying to do myself. I stumble and fall but I will stay on this path. I am not going back there. I've tried to visit addiction city a couple of times this last year and it was no vacation. It was a trip to hell. Ha, it was the ultimate Pinochio adventure.
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Old 05-19-2009, 04:48 AM
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Trish for me even the thought to use again IS NOT AN OPTION. I keep remembering my last day using and how my life had become so unmanageable. You did good by not going back there. I know not everyone is like me but believe me I don't want to go back to anything like it was before. I see too many who cave in to their disease and don't make it back. You have so much to offer me and others and I thank you for your friendship. I am happy today (not all days) I don't wake up each day wishing it was the end of my life like I use to.
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Old 05-19-2009, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
I am so use to enhancing relaxation time that I dont really know how to do it clean.
I do but it just seems more rewarding if your altering your mind. Does that make sense?
Absolutely makes sense!!! However, as we know.. it will kill us. It's easy to say there's lots of non drug/alcohol ways to alter your mind or experience a "high", but really.. it's not the same. All I can ever think when I feel that urge, is that it will indeed destroy my life. Maybe not today, maybe not in a week, but it will.

I'm glad you tell on yourself

Hugs to you, Trish!!!!
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Old 05-19-2009, 08:58 AM
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I dont even know why I would feel like that really. There is nothing relaxing about smoking rocks.
There are times. But not too many.
But even I will think about before I became a full blown street addict.
I was just a pothead.
I think alot of me thinkin like that goes to those times.
It was what we did. Ever since I was a teen.
Anything we did. We did stoned.
And I am not goin to lie. It did make it more fun. Funny, relaxing, interesting.
Or maybe I am just thiking about just dong the things we did. Being with friends, BBQ's, goin to the beach, just hangin out and livin life and just being what we were. Somewhat normal people, takin care of our business, then doin whatever on our downtime with all our friends, havin fun and not having to worry about if your gonna have to fight an addiction all day.
Maybe thats what I really miss.
Being normal I guess.
Having my friends close by. Doing things with them. Takin care of lifes responsibility and being able to enjoy life too.
I dont know. Its hard to eplain. 'I know there arent too many times like that smokin rocks running in the street.
Maybe way back in the day it was fun like that. But it hasnt been for a looong time.
I am addicted to that craziness now too. Not just the drug. The chaos andf excitement.
I always seem to get in these ruts.
Where I get bored with living life safely.
That is so sick.
I dont want to be anywhere near that mess.
But at the same time. I feel like I need that adrenaline.
I am not even goin to feed that thought.
I am actually ok with being boring.
It is alot more relaxing.
I have a love hate thing with chaos.
My uncle bday was yesterday.
So we are goin to my aunts for bday dinner tonight.
Gonna go out shoppin in a few with the grams.
I already cleaned up the house and got dressed.
I never do that on my days off. This staying busy all the time thing is really stickin with me.
I usually just lay around all day and night on my dyas off. I certainly never even brush my hairt let alone put the make up on ancd put decent clothes on. LOL.
When I get lazy. i get real lazy.
I never clean house eother. 'But I hahve had to for the past week. So I kinda actually like it. 'I have a routine now. After work come home and clean the cat box and clean anything here that needs it. 'Then I sit down and relax.
Usually I would just flop my big ass somewhere and not move for hours.
Feels good to feel good and be productive.
Even when I am exhausted. It gives me a feeling of purpose and I am actually a little proud of myself and feel like an important person that has meaning.
So I will try and keep up on being an "Adult".
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Old 05-19-2009, 09:04 AM
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Trish sounds good, being of service to others, whether it is cleaning or what ever is being of service in the long run to our selfs and our self worth. My wife and kids find me far more worthy sober then drunk! LOL
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Old 05-19-2009, 09:28 AM
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(((Trish)))

I'm glad you told on yourself, and you're right...a year ago, you'd have been out the door as soon as you hit the "submit message" button. You've come a long way!!

It makes complete sense to me that you associate relaxing with getting high. I've done the same thing for decades....pretty hard to NOT associate the 2 things together just out of habit. I can think of something I did 20 years..."yeah, that was really fun, oh yeah I was drunk and smoking weed" or whatever. Not many things I did, did I do clean and sober. Even in the days before addiction took over, I still partied. A lot of us did.

I was also addicted to the chaos/drama of the streets, but since I've stayed away from it, it's pretty easy to not go back. Sure, I miss some of the people, but I keep up with the news from that area, and it's gotten bad with people shooting each other, so I'm glad I'm not there

It's a gradual thing, ((Trish)). You've already made some HUGE progress, even if you don't realize it. I see progress in you all the time.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 05-19-2009, 09:49 AM
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I've been thinking about your post a lot today trish, and I think you answered a lot of your own questions. People from my generation, and yours too, looked at free time as buzz time. We have to learn a new way to be.
We learned to be that way partly because of social pressure and because that was what was going on with the people around us. In sobriety, I've picked up a few new interests. Never thought I would be interested in embroidery, but that's one of my new things.
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