Cassandra, I came to a similar revelation with ABF's last relapse. During the first recovery, I did everything to help him. I reminded him to go to counseling appointments, I gave him a hard time if he was skipping meals, etc. I kept on top of the whole recovery thing--quizzing him, giving him advice. So, did my hard work pay off??? No way. Despite my best efforts, he relapsed. Not only did he relapse, but he took an even stronger drug the second time (Oxycodone).
I finally learned that I couldn't fix him. It didn't matter how hard I worked, or how diligent I was---it made no difference. If he was going to relapse, he was going to do it on his own.
The good news is that I am much better this time around. He is working on his recovery. I listen to him, but I try not to give advice unless asked. I have finally realized that if he is going to do this, it is going to be all on his own. I have to let whatever happens to happen.
The bottom line is that sometimes we have to learn our lessons the hard way. Try not to beat yourself up. What can you do except learn from those mistakes? What is it they say? "Progress not perfection."