I need some direction
I have been in a relationship for a year. I met my S.O. (Significant Other) through a friend and then ran into him at work several years later. After spending a few months with him, I decided to start dating him. We had the same moral and family values, integrity, had a ton of fun (not drinking related) and seemed to mesh perfectly. He always complimented me, gave me appreciation for my value, and showered me with affection.
In June of last year, he was pulled over for DUI, reported the charges to our employer and the company advised that he seek treatment in a alcohol rehabilitation center.
He entered a 30 day treatment program in February of this year. Initially, he was doing very well, he was working the steps and seemed to be making progress towards his "underlying issues". After the third week, things took a different turn. He became negative, rude, feelingless, mean, and miserable. This behavior has been ongoing ever since.
I have always been a very upbeat, positive, and cheerful person. I have been told many times that I should become a motivational speaker. Under other circumstances, I would have walked away and not looked back, but I stayed and "adapted" to show support and for concern for him during this transition. 90% of the time, he is in a stressed, angry state. (Dry Drunk Syndrome???) He can't even drive 5 miles without blowing up and someone on the road.
Being in this environment has taken its toll. I didnt respond to him or ever tried to combat or complain about the negativity or the rude comments, however the constant presence in the environment has made me stressed, uptight, and feeling helpless. After time, I noticed changes in myself that werent favorable - feeling short tempered, being synical, feeling tired (because of inability to sleep), had frequent headaches and an upset stomach, and the lack of value seem to make all of my efforts meaningless.
Within the last couple of weeks, we have had two "fallouts". If I "behave inappropriately" by being silent and stepping back or if I get mad over something that HE deems inappropriate then he backs away and doesnt call me for a couple of days. He then tells me that "I remind him of his ex-wife" when I get angry. This past weekend, he snapped at me because "I was moody and told me that I had better lose the short fuse" (in a tone one would use to reprimand a child). At that point I didnt say anything and went through the rest of the day without any communication. Our children and his mother were present, so I did not feel that it was an appropriate time to discuss matters.
I called later that night and the following morning and he hasnt returned my phone calls. It has now been a week and he still has not reached out to contact me.
I read blogs by others and have determined that his behavior is "normal" for one in recovery. I feel very hurt that he refers to my behavior as that of his ex-wife and he cant rationalize the fact that his "negative world" may have had a part. I see that as his problem and not mine.
#1 - How long does it take for the person to get over themselves? In other words, when do they actually take responsibility for their own actions and quit blaming the rest of the world?
#2 - What could possibly be going through a person's head (for a week) as to why there is no phone call?
#3 - What is the best way to proceed from here?
Any info, insight, or similar experience would be graciously appreciated!