I need some direction

Old 05-10-2009, 05:51 AM
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I need some direction

I have been in a relationship for a year. I met my S.O. (Significant Other) through a friend and then ran into him at work several years later. After spending a few months with him, I decided to start dating him. We had the same moral and family values, integrity, had a ton of fun (not drinking related) and seemed to mesh perfectly. He always complimented me, gave me appreciation for my value, and showered me with affection.

In June of last year, he was pulled over for DUI, reported the charges to our employer and the company advised that he seek treatment in a alcohol rehabilitation center.

He entered a 30 day treatment program in February of this year. Initially, he was doing very well, he was working the steps and seemed to be making progress towards his "underlying issues". After the third week, things took a different turn. He became negative, rude, feelingless, mean, and miserable. This behavior has been ongoing ever since.

I have always been a very upbeat, positive, and cheerful person. I have been told many times that I should become a motivational speaker. Under other circumstances, I would have walked away and not looked back, but I stayed and "adapted" to show support and for concern for him during this transition. 90% of the time, he is in a stressed, angry state. (Dry Drunk Syndrome???) He can't even drive 5 miles without blowing up and someone on the road.
Being in this environment has taken its toll. I didnt respond to him or ever tried to combat or complain about the negativity or the rude comments, however the constant presence in the environment has made me stressed, uptight, and feeling helpless. After time, I noticed changes in myself that werent favorable - feeling short tempered, being synical, feeling tired (because of inability to sleep), had frequent headaches and an upset stomach, and the lack of value seem to make all of my efforts meaningless.

Within the last couple of weeks, we have had two "fallouts". If I "behave inappropriately" by being silent and stepping back or if I get mad over something that HE deems inappropriate then he backs away and doesnt call me for a couple of days. He then tells me that "I remind him of his ex-wife" when I get angry. This past weekend, he snapped at me because "I was moody and told me that I had better lose the short fuse" (in a tone one would use to reprimand a child). At that point I didnt say anything and went through the rest of the day without any communication. Our children and his mother were present, so I did not feel that it was an appropriate time to discuss matters.

I called later that night and the following morning and he hasnt returned my phone calls. It has now been a week and he still has not reached out to contact me.

I read blogs by others and have determined that his behavior is "normal" for one in recovery. I feel very hurt that he refers to my behavior as that of his ex-wife and he cant rationalize the fact that his "negative world" may have had a part. I see that as his problem and not mine.

#1 - How long does it take for the person to get over themselves? In other words, when do they actually take responsibility for their own actions and quit blaming the rest of the world?
#2 - What could possibly be going through a person's head (for a week) as to why there is no phone call?
#3 - What is the best way to proceed from here?



Any info, insight, or similar experience would be graciously appreciated!
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Old 05-10-2009, 09:00 AM
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Welcome to the forum, princesspilot! I'm so glad that you found us!

Originally Posted by princesspilot75 View Post

I read blogs by others and have determined that his behavior is "normal" for one in recovery. ...........
The behavior you describe sounds like the selfish, immature, volatile mindset that characterizes addiction. It does not sound like recovery. Regardless of whether his behavior is "normal" - is it acceptable to you? That's all that matters. You're in charge of what you allow into your life.


Originally Posted by princesspilot75 View Post

#1 - How long does it take for the person to get over themselves? In other words, when do they actually take responsibility for their own actions and quit blaming the rest of the world?
#2 - What could possibly be going through a person's head (for a week) as to why there is no phone call?
#3 - What is the best way to proceed from here?
#1. Some people never get over themselves. The twelve steps of AA (and probably a good number of other programs) help those who are willing to do some hard work admit their responsibility in the chaos and begin to heal themselves and the relationships affected by addiction. It is difficult to stop blaming others - not everyone chooses to accept responsibility.

#2. My XAH would frequently go for long periods of time without communication. A week would pass between phone calls if he was trying to punish me for being too needy or controlling. It worked. I always felt punished and hurt. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, and I am glad to be out of it.

#3. What does your gut tell you about the future of the relationship? You describe a lovely beginning - how have things been lately? Good? Getting better? You are the only person who can decide if you want to wait and see if your S.O. will stop these destructive and painful behaviors. From what you've written this man sounds like he is in the midst of a very challenging time. It was impossible for me to live my best life when my X was going through a period of similar suffering. Spend some time thinking about your own needs - what you want/need/like matters. Don't forget that!

Take care.
-TC
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Old 05-10-2009, 09:11 AM
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If your banking on recovery bringing back that fun guy who gave you compliments and showered you with affection in those first few months of dating, your investing in the wrong place.

Invest in yourself, you don’t need to hang on waiting for him to become the person you began dating. He was probably using during that time anyway just not in front of you.

It’s not hard to understand why he’s divorced is it? How long did his ex-wife hang around waiting for him to change?
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Old 05-10-2009, 10:33 AM
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The first thought I had reading your post is he is building to a drink. Explosive temper, blaming, punishing silence (which is psychological abuse, by the way, and among the worst ways to inflict pain), arrogance and defensiveness. He is a moment away from a drink. Do you want to be there when he takes it?

We think we should "be supportive" just because they went to rehab or just because they are attending meetings. So we overlook bad behavior, we forgive emotional abuse, we wait patiently for the better man to emerge. We put up with a life that makes us sick (as you describe).

I know you don't want to lose this man you love, but given his alcoholic acting out, I would step away for at least six months. You may think he'll find someone else in that time, you may think you cannot let go of this man......but only TIME is going to clear the fog and the emotional chaos in your life and I can assure you that right now he has more power than you because he IS willing to lose YOU if you are standing in the way of his next drink. He will act out in extreme ways because bottom line, his primary relationship is still with booze. Dry or not. In early recovery, it's still about the relationship with the drug.

You need support. You need Al-anon and recovering people to help you hold YOUR bottom line.

Wishing that for you.
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Old 05-10-2009, 11:13 AM
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Sounds like a punisher. Beware: this kind of behavior can be a major trigger for those of us with abandonment issues. Instead of doing the rational thing (cutting bait and moving on) in these types of situations, I have found myself clinging, desperate to restore peace, and willing to compromise myself.

You deserve better treatment.
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Old 05-10-2009, 12:05 PM
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welcome!!!

He was arrested in June, then waited 7 months to check himself into rehab. Sounds like someone that is merely doing things to get folks off his back, the courts, his employer, you.

Like TC mentioned, doesn't sound like someone in recovery at all.
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