christin1225

I wish that I could advise, Jimba. It's so confusing when it doesn't seem to be getting better.

The physical symptoms were gone after about three days. The depression is horrible though. I don't know how much of it is the fact that I'm tapering (and this is a symptom) or how much is simply a matter of the addiction. I've heard people speak about getting to a point where they wanted to commit suicide. I haven't wanted to kill myself, but I have been feeling that I wish that God had allowed me to die before having me go through this.

The feelings are so horrible that, Thursday night, I was very tempted to drink. If my family wouldn't have wondered what was going on (I have consumed alcohol once in eighteen years and they don't know about it), I believe that I wouldn't have given it a second thought. I would have been to the liquor store and home in less than twenty minutes. I came very close to drinking down a bottle of NyQuil... just to get some relief from what I was feeling. All I could think was that, regardless of what the oxys did or would eventually do to me, at least I always stopped crying once they hit.

Jimba, there were many times that I would be on the computer to my (not then but now) sponsor, sobbing in desperation. I would take five oxys and, as I was typing, I would notice that I was still aware of the problem. I knew that it had to be dealt with. I knew that the pills had not made the problem go away. BUT! I was no longer crying about it. I can relate to that as though it were this morning. Sorry... I didn't mean to get so off track and wax eloquent on the benefit of the pills. But, it shows you where I'm at on the 6mg.

Although I was thinking about numbing with alcohol, I really wanted to numb with the oxys. I don't think that I would have been able to resist them if I didn't know that the Suboxone would block them. I wanted to try a couple, just in case 6mg left enough open in my head for the oxys to find an "in". But, I figured it was hopeless. Then, I considered taking a good dose of Sub. In the beginning, I discovered one day that I was able to raise my dose and get the slightest, most minute buzz (which eventually the compulsion ruined because it took over -- the perfect example of "one is two many..." -- anyway, I got terribly ill.) Although I didn't want a buzz, only to numb the hurt, I had a doctor's appointment early Friday morning. I couldn't risk getting sick. Besides, I've been on the Suboxone so long, I didn't think that I'd get anything from it. (If I'm completely honest, the risk of getting ill probably had little if anything to do with stopping me. I probably would have done it if I had thought that it would work, just another example of the excuses my head tries to get me to believe.)

It sucks, Jimba. I wonder, "Maybe I need to increase my Sub back to 8, maybe 10, or 12mg and see if I can stabilize somewhere that will stop all the thinking, feeling, craving, crying. Maybe staying on the Sub for a longer period of time won't be a mistake. Maybe things that I've read are wrong. Maybe I don't need to worry about PAWS." Then I fight back with the part of me that wants to get clean and I wonder, "Is the Suboxone, because it's an opioid, breathing life into my physical addiction and that is the reason that I feel like this? Is the only way to get free of the hold that my addiction has on me, to get off the Sub?

I try to be hopeful. I tell myself that I have an appointment with a new doctor this coming week. But then, I look back and I see how I keep looking for the next thing to make me better. I keep hoping to find a way to acceptance. I can't stand being two people. It's driving me crazy and it makes sense that it's only making the depression worse. But, I can't become one person either. (And then I can't stand the fact that I'm an emotional leech or maggot or whatever it is that I am). I hate this sooo much. I want it to be like it was before I picked up, but I can't be who I was. I've tried but I can't seem to get back there. And I can't figure out how I can be what is left. And so, I cry... It sucks. It really does.