I admire your search for awareness, margareta, i really do. It takes maturity and courage to try to become CONSCIOUS of what we feel and what we do, and most people run from that forever.
I just have to say that in my opinion, his disease has impacted your emotional stability.....and this happens to EVERYONE within the sphere of an active alcoholic.
We start to act out in ways we could never have imagined, behave in ways so unlike ourselves, say things in anger and chaos we want to take back because it is so extreme.....We become DESPERATE and we do and say desperate things.
But this desperation is the result of months or years of being manipulated, decimated, conned and confused. An addict seeks control of his spouse, his environment, and he does what it takes to subtly or overtly maintain that control. This means there are a LOT of mind games.
No one in your family or among your friends will ever get this unless they have been with an addict and have also found recovery from being with an addict.
My instinct is that this explosion of change in your life needed to happen and later, you will look back and say "Thank you God" for the jumpstart it gave you into a better life and better emotional health. But you will have to work for that growth and health.
For many of us, we did not get better until we had become really really WORSE. Then life turned upside down in one way or another and we were jarringly put on a different path. For me, in my life, I KNOW God made these things happen..... and then offered me the opportunity to grow up. Perhaps the same has now occurred for you.
You sound like a good person, someone who wants a meaningful life. We find meaning when we live our truest values and our most honest self.
I hope you will seek out recovery with all your heart. God bless you.