I am so lost!

Old 05-08-2009, 09:29 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 13
I am so lost!

Hello

I havenīt really posted in a long time, but I visit the website everyday to look for hope. My relationship finally hit bottom some weeks ago. I was working on my recovery on that period of time. I tried not to enable him or control his drinking and he started to drink more often. My AH and I had a really bad argument and this time wasnīt his fault, I had made a mistake because as he said I preferred my family over him one more time and for the last time. In the middle of a horrible discussion we decided to finish the relationship... It was strange b/c he finally found reasons as to why I am not good and he found something that I have to change which is to put him at same level of my family (He and his family have given me economic support and I have never asked for anything to my family in part because their economy is not good). We split for one day but then because it was my fault I panicked so I decided to ask for a chance to change and he didnīt want to hear anything about it, he was very angry with me and my family. So after lots of humiliating attempts to get one more chance I got very angry and said the most horrible things I have ever said to anyone and said I would kill myself...after that I felt so guilty. I talked with my sister and she told me that she thinks that what I did was psychological abuse. I asked for forgiveness and he forgave me and we got together again. But it opened a new stage of my recovery process.
I more or less new that I am codependent but I also realized that I come from a dysfunctional family where there was violence among other problems and that lots of the things I do I learnt when I lived with them, I realized that I am in a addictive relationship, that my self esteem is so low and it has been like that almost all my life, I realized that I donīt know who I am, that I donīt have any boundaries, that I try to please everybody and try to give all I can and probably that is what I was doing with my family, I realized that I donīt like to take responsibility for my decisions, I realized that I have been trying all my life to get approval and self worth from others, I was trying to control my AH and in other time my sister because I couldnīt control my self, I realized that I was so dependant on him even a long time before we got married, I realized that I tried to succeed in school (and did well) because that was a good way to get approval, I have realized that I didnīt let myself be happy because I felt guilt. I couldnīt control other people or achieve impossible goals so I felt even worse I felt so small I started to need help even to choose what to eat. I have realized I have a lot to change I know I have been very selfish and made lots of mistakes in my life, now I think that the problems in my marriage are not only caused by my AH but also by me and it is hard to admit that.

Anyway because we realized that we are doing nothing but hurting each other because he wonīt stop drinking and he thinks I will never change and I am tired of feeling guilty we decided to separate this happened one week ago he is going back to his parents house in one week he will get help for his addiction and I am moving to a new city to start a new job also next week. I know is for the best, but I cannot avoid to feel frightened, sad, hopeless, sorry. I like to think that after some time apart we will finally be able to be together but maybe I am deceiving myself. We are being very friendly now and he seems ok and that makes me feel bad aswell I donīt know why maybe is just lack of confidence or pride. I donīt really want to believe that that is all. I feel so bad. What do you think about this situation? Thanks for your help.
Margareta is offline  
Old 05-08-2009, 09:43 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 50
(((((margareta)))))
My heart goes out to you and your struggles. Ending any kind of relationship is never an easy thing to do, and with a A it seems to be so much harder at times. It seems as though you are both thinking clearly now and doing what is best for BOTH of you at this point. We have no idea what the future holds but you can be sure that your HP has a plan for you. Trust in that plan, trust in Him and believe in you!
keep coming back
Shelly
spiritedgrl123 is offline  
Old 05-08-2009, 11:51 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm sorry you are feeling bad at the moment. Perhaps try to look at this as your time, time for you to deal with your issues that you spelled to so well. If you truly work on yourself, I'm willing to bet that you will see life in a whole new way and find a great deal mor clarity about what you want going forward.
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 05-08-2009, 11:56 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
bluejay6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
I admire your search for awareness, margareta, i really do. It takes maturity and courage to try to become CONSCIOUS of what we feel and what we do, and most people run from that forever.

I just have to say that in my opinion, his disease has impacted your emotional stability.....and this happens to EVERYONE within the sphere of an active alcoholic.

We start to act out in ways we could never have imagined, behave in ways so unlike ourselves, say things in anger and chaos we want to take back because it is so extreme.....We become DESPERATE and we do and say desperate things.

But this desperation is the result of months or years of being manipulated, decimated, conned and confused. An addict seeks control of his spouse, his environment, and he does what it takes to subtly or overtly maintain that control. This means there are a LOT of mind games.

No one in your family or among your friends will ever get this unless they have been with an addict and have also found recovery from being with an addict.

My instinct is that this explosion of change in your life needed to happen and later, you will look back and say "Thank you God" for the jumpstart it gave you into a better life and better emotional health. But you will have to work for that growth and health.

For many of us, we did not get better until we had become really really WORSE. Then life turned upside down in one way or another and we were jarringly put on a different path. For me, in my life, I KNOW God made these things happen..... and then offered me the opportunity to grow up. Perhaps the same has now occurred for you.

You sound like a good person, someone who wants a meaningful life. We find meaning when we live our truest values and our most honest self.

I hope you will seek out recovery with all your heart. God bless you.
bluejay6 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:13 AM.