I am so lost!
Hello
I havenīt really posted in a long time, but I visit the website everyday to look for hope. My relationship finally hit bottom some weeks ago. I was working on my recovery on that period of time. I tried not to enable him or control his drinking and he started to drink more often. My AH and I had a really bad argument and this time wasnīt his fault, I had made a mistake because as he said I preferred my family over him one more time and for the last time. In the middle of a horrible discussion we decided to finish the relationship... It was strange b/c he finally found reasons as to why I am not good and he found something that I have to change which is to put him at same level of my family (He and his family have given me economic support and I have never asked for anything to my family in part because their economy is not good). We split for one day but then because it was my fault I panicked so I decided to ask for a chance to change and he didnīt want to hear anything about it, he was very angry with me and my family. So after lots of humiliating attempts to get one more chance I got very angry and said the most horrible things I have ever said to anyone and said I would kill myself...after that I felt so guilty. I talked with my sister and she told me that she thinks that what I did was psychological abuse. I asked for forgiveness and he forgave me and we got together again. But it opened a new stage of my recovery process.
I more or less new that I am codependent but I also realized that I come from a dysfunctional family where there was violence among other problems and that lots of the things I do I learnt when I lived with them, I realized that I am in a addictive relationship, that my self esteem is so low and it has been like that almost all my life, I realized that I donīt know who I am, that I donīt have any boundaries, that I try to please everybody and try to give all I can and probably that is what I was doing with my family, I realized that I donīt like to take responsibility for my decisions, I realized that I have been trying all my life to get approval and self worth from others, I was trying to control my AH and in other time my sister because I couldnīt control my self, I realized that I was so dependant on him even a long time before we got married, I realized that I tried to succeed in school (and did well) because that was a good way to get approval, I have realized that I didnīt let myself be happy because I felt guilt. I couldnīt control other people or achieve impossible goals so I felt even worse I felt so small I started to need help even to choose what to eat. I have realized I have a lot to change I know I have been very selfish and made lots of mistakes in my life, now I think that the problems in my marriage are not only caused by my AH but also by me and it is hard to admit that.
Anyway because we realized that we are doing nothing but hurting each other because he wonīt stop drinking and he thinks I will never change and I am tired of feeling guilty we decided to separate this happened one week ago he is going back to his parents house in one week he will get help for his addiction and I am moving to a new city to start a new job also next week. I know is for the best, but I cannot avoid to feel frightened, sad, hopeless, sorry. I like to think that after some time apart we will finally be able to be together but maybe I am deceiving myself. We are being very friendly now and he seems ok and that makes me feel bad aswell I donīt know why maybe is just lack of confidence or pride. I donīt really want to believe that that is all. I feel so bad. What do you think about this situation? Thanks for your help.