It's the Yo-yoing mind that does me in.
Anyone else no what I mean by yo-yoing mind? It's the whole, I know that I want to quit drinking thning and I know it is for the best, without a doubt, I actually feel happier when sober than when on a bender, in reality. But even though I am fully aware of this and openly have said this to my parents for example, I still could and would gladly get absolutely smashed at any given time on any given day.
My hardest thing, and the thing that has always made me cave in and drink again in the past, is that I have preffered to drink alone for years now (which is strange as I actually love company when sober but the drunk in me just wants to be left alone to properly smashed as only I know how) and so I have lost my social life at weekends and cut myself off from pretty much all my friends. This is because I knew that when I go out I will get totally smashed, everytime and I would rather do this alone than with other people and police, doormen about. This was further compounded in September when I got caught using Cocaine in a towncentre Bar toilet and subsequently arrested and put in a police cell for the night. I was cautioned and warned if I get caught again I will be charged with possesion of a class-A drug and this will go on my criminal record, which would pretty much ruin my future and any hopes of emigrating/getting job etc let alone the shame I would feel.