keithj

I'm feeling brave today, I guess. For me, it all boils down to viewing the world with 'I want' right out there in front. When I was drinking it was obvious. I want to go buy more booze, so it doesn't really matter if I'm too drunk to drive. I want some affection and attention from a female, so it doesn't matter if I'm already married. I want to stay home, so it doesn't matter if we have to cancel plans.

In sobriety, the same 'I want' attitude got a little more subtle for me, but it still shows up. It becomes a little more self-seeking or self-centered. I see it most often these days in trying to seek approval. I want to be liked by all of you, so I'll tailor my message slightly so you'll enjoy it. Even more subtle, is I want you to love me, so I'll do nice things for you. On the surface, I'm doing nice things for you. But really, I'm just looking out for what I want.

Take it to self-centered, and it gets even harder to see. I walk into a room and I think someone is ignoring me. Or they care what I say. The reality is, they probably haven't given me a thought, but I'm so concerned with myself, I think they might be concerned with me.

When I think the world is just so unfair, it's because I place too high a value on myself. I want to be important. I want to be respected. In fact, I demand these things. The reality is that the world doesn't care one bit about what I want. The world (life) just is as it is. But I get five kinds of bent out of shape when it doesn't respond how I want it to. Selfish.