aaaahhh, you all don't know how I need these words. I am working on me and seeing new things about my reactions. I was watching intervention the other night and a mother on there had quit doing crack or whatever she was doing on her own. But now her daughter was an addict and she was doing anything she could to keep her daughter dependent on her because she felt such guilt. When they sent the daughter to rehab, they also sent the mother because even though she was clean, she had never dealt with the issues behind her own addiction. She also realized that she had substituted her daughter for her DOC.
So I began thinking about my own "addictions."
I have been addicted to people and making me necessary in their lives. Growing up I had an alcoholic step-father who abused me verbally and sexually. I picked myself up and moved on, but never saw a counselor about it. I did turn to God and felt a definite healing in that area. In my marriage I was addicted to my husband, making sure he needed me, making sure I kept him happy so he wouldn't leave me. I kept so much to myself because I didn't want to push him away. After we got divorced and my son's addiction began, I turned all of my attention to the addiction. I also became involved in two relationships pretty quickly after my divorce, trying to fill the emptiness. Not that these relationships were bad. It was just that I was substituting one person for another. Afraid to be alone.
So anyway, I am working on me, and I will stay away from my son until he is ready for honesty and rehab. My ex saw him last night and he said my AS seemed sad. My heart wrenched for a minute, and then I thought, Good. Maybe he'll get sad enough to do something about it.