Blogs


Notices

Tough love is tough on me!

Old 04-27-2009, 05:45 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
krhea75
Thread Starter
 
krhea75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Tough love is tough on me!

So after kicking my AS out about a month ago, he moved in with his dad. He continued going downhill (never having any money, coming in at all hours) and finally he was ticketed for underage drinking last Friday night. This is a violation of his probation and his dad finally agreed to kick him out as well. We got him numbers to a rehab center including the counselor that he really clicked with and his dad told him he had until Friday to make a call or he was out.

Well, no surprise,he moved in with one of his pothead friends. I haven't talked with him since Easter Sunday when he told me to F off. I told him then that I didn't want to see him, or hear from him again. This is the only time that I can remember him doing what I've told him to do! He hasn't called at all, which is very unlike my son. He usually pulls the little boy act on me and before you know it I melt.

I have been wondering if it would hurt for me to stop in at his work and see him. Also, now that he has been ticketed for drinking, will he automatically be put in jail? He already served 2 months in jail for his last probation violation.

I just want to go over to his friend's house (even though I don't know where it is) grab him and put him in my car and force him to go to rehab. Now that he's over 18 I just have to let go....

Anyway, your thoughts are appreciated.
krhea
krhea75 is offline  
Old 04-27-2009, 06:12 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I don't know that much about probation violations, but if he went to jail last time for a violation, I'd be inclined to think he will get more of the same for the current ticket.

As for stopping by his work to see him, I guess I would first look really hard at my true motivation.

My oldest AD called today and asked me if I wanted to come down for a Mother's Day breakfast and services at the church she attends.

Am I happy with how she lives her life? No, but I told her I would come because I do love her and I'm okay with that decision. It will be a short visit, and then I'm coming back home as my youngest daughter and I will be heading out for a get-together with my folks (my birthday is always close to Mother's Day, so we combine the two celebrations).

I know tough love is tough! I think it's harder on us sometimes than our adult kids!
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 04-27-2009, 06:44 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
krhea75
Thread Starter
 
krhea75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
My true motivation....hmmm....that's a good point. Honestly, I just want to see his face and know that he doesn't hate me...Ok that's pretty pathetic, but it's honest.
krhea75 is offline  
Old 04-27-2009, 07:26 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Angelic17's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Blog Entries: 12
krhea75, I have been where you are, and I feel your pain. I am also a mom of a drug abuser. Believe me your son doesn't hate you. He knows he is an addict, and that he is doing wrong. The problem is the addiction. It will try to stay alive at all costs. Even homelessness and jail won't stop the addict. I have often wondered why when they are at that point, they just wont surrender. I guess they just have to get good and tired. He just wants to manipulate you in to helping his addiction stay alive. When his pothead friend gets tired of putting him up, where will he go then? It's just a matter of time before he has no place to go. Be patient. I give it less than 2 months. Prayers for your son. And You.

Last edited by Angelic17; 04-27-2009 at 07:45 PM.
Angelic17 is offline  
Old 04-27-2009, 07:36 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by krhea75 View Post
My true motivation....hmmm....that's a good point. Honestly, I just want to see his face and know that he doesn't hate me...Ok that's pretty pathetic, but it's honest.
That's not pathetic. Give yourself a break, gal! There's nothing wrong with wanting to see his face. As for hating you, I'm sure he doesn't. You know how they can be when we practice tough love. They say hurtful things intentionally. That doesn't mean it's true. When my youngest daughter and I went through that horrible time 6 years ago, I lost count of how many times she told me that.

Today we are very close and have a good relationship.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 04-27-2009, 07:56 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
krhea75
Thread Starter
 
krhea75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Thanks guys, your responses brought tears to my eyes....I need to stay away; every time I step in things get worse. Not because I'm a bad person. It's because he knows my number and how to suck me in and make me feel sorry for him. I am stepping away even though I can hardly bear it. ONe day at a time.
krhea75 is offline  
Old 04-27-2009, 08:02 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Angelic17's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Blog Entries: 12
Krhea75, Everytime I stepped in with my son, I interfered with GOD's plan. But, I am a mother, and I couldn't help myself. I kept following him, and even pulled him out of a crack den. I could have been killed. When I finally gave up and let go, he put himself in treatment, and he is still there 2 months later and doing great. It's up to him. If he is old enough that you can't get any information from the treatment center about him. He is old enough to find his own way. Don't let him manipulate you anymore. I did it for 2 years. I finally woke up, and let him find his own way.
Angelic17 is offline  
Old 04-27-2009, 08:26 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by krhea75 View Post
Thanks guys, your responses brought tears to my eyes....I need to stay away; every time I step in things get worse. Not because I'm a bad person. It's because he knows my number and how to suck me in and make me feel sorry for him. I am stepping away even though I can hardly bear it. ONe day at a time.
Oh hon, I know too well that getting sucked back in! My oldest AD and I were completely no contact for about 2 1/2 years. I had to have that time to heal and work hard on myself.

:ghug :ghug
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 04-27-2009, 08:34 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
krhea75
Thread Starter
 
krhea75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Angelic, Thanks for the reminder. Our experiences sound similar. I do need to stand back and let God work. My son is a good person underneath all the crap that he has piled on top. Freedom, wow, 2 1/2 years seems like an eternity! You are a strong person. I do need to work on myself. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and 3 steps back. Anyway, thanks for the support.
krhea75 is offline  
Old 04-27-2009, 09:10 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Angelic17's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Blog Entries: 12
krhea75,My heart goes out to you. I know what your feeling, and it isn't good. It's never good for a mother to have to let go of her child, when she knows he is on drugs. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do. However, there is always hope that he will wise up, and do the right thing. There's no quick fix to addiction. Underneath his addiction, I'm sure he is a great person. Most addicts are. His life belongs to him, and he is going to do what he wants with it. It took me a very long time to realize that my sons life wasn't mine. Don't give up. Keep praying, and wait till he reaches out. When he does, treatment, or nothing. Don't enable him to keep his addicitons alive. Tough love is always tougher on the mothers than the addicts. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but your not alone.
Angelic17 is offline  
Old 04-28-2009, 05:47 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
winnie12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
my feelings when my son is angry at me for enforcing a boundary is that he loves me but his addiction hates me because i make it hard for his addiction to live comfortably. its easier for me to seperate the drugs from the child i love. the angerier he comes across the more i know he's getting closer to bottom.
winnie12 is offline  
Old 04-28-2009, 11:55 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Be patient...for now space may be best...things WILL change.

Your son is not ready yet...wait.
Move your focus elsewhere for now.

Popping in to say hello is okay if that's what feels right.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
Old 04-29-2009, 12:54 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Krhea))

First of all, I don't think you're pathetic..you're a mom who wants the best for her son.

Secondly, he doesn't hate you. I'll just say that, at one time or another, "F you" has been said by me or another member of my family and even though it was definitely inappropriate, not a one of us hated each other. As we've worked on boundaries, that is something that is not said any more.

It sounds, to me, like your son is still learning some lessons. I could be wrong, but I agree with Freedom...I'd think there is a bit more jail time in his future for another probation violation, or possibly rehab/treatment. If your court system is anything like ours, though, it could take some time to get to him.

In the meantime, I strongly suggest detachment and working on your recovery, while he does his thing. I know you don't like not hearing from him, but I actually kept my distance INTENTIONALLY from my family when I was using. Part of it was selfish (I didn't want to be made to feel guilty), but part of it also was not wanting to drag them down with me. Just a little insight into the twisted mind of an addict.

Keep taking care of you, hon. At some point, he'll realize that taking care of him and getting into recovery is a good thing, and he will look to you as that calm, sane role model.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 04-29-2009, 04:29 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
krhea75
Thread Starter
 
krhea75's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
aaaahhh, you all don't know how I need these words. I am working on me and seeing new things about my reactions. I was watching intervention the other night and a mother on there had quit doing crack or whatever she was doing on her own. But now her daughter was an addict and she was doing anything she could to keep her daughter dependent on her because she felt such guilt. When they sent the daughter to rehab, they also sent the mother because even though she was clean, she had never dealt with the issues behind her own addiction. She also realized that she had substituted her daughter for her DOC.

So I began thinking about my own "addictions."

I have been addicted to people and making me necessary in their lives. Growing up I had an alcoholic step-father who abused me verbally and sexually. I picked myself up and moved on, but never saw a counselor about it. I did turn to God and felt a definite healing in that area. In my marriage I was addicted to my husband, making sure he needed me, making sure I kept him happy so he wouldn't leave me. I kept so much to myself because I didn't want to push him away. After we got divorced and my son's addiction began, I turned all of my attention to the addiction. I also became involved in two relationships pretty quickly after my divorce, trying to fill the emptiness. Not that these relationships were bad. It was just that I was substituting one person for another. Afraid to be alone.

So anyway, I am working on me, and I will stay away from my son until he is ready for honesty and rehab. My ex saw him last night and he said my AS seemed sad. My heart wrenched for a minute, and then I thought, Good. Maybe he'll get sad enough to do something about it.
krhea75 is offline  
Old 04-29-2009, 05:24 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Was he sad or was he having a pity party? I had to "terminate" my relationship with my 22 yr old son on February 28, 2009. I told him it was a relationship with me or the drugs...not both. I did not tell him this out of "control", but because it was killing me having a front row seat to his addiction. I told him not to call me until he was clean, so on Easter he sent me a text (I guess in his mind he was not calling so it was ok). Anyway, he wanted to appologize and tell me he loved me and missed me, but he still is not clean. It is hard not to respond, but he knows the conditions and I find that when I am not witnessing first hand his self-destructive behavior, it is better for me. Please, for your own sanity, stay tough and get counseling.
helpformyson is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:24 AM.