Can't believe noone posted this yet. Sort of a rephrased version of your question.
Originally Posted by
Relief 
Why do I keep drinking poison when I know what the outcome will be.
"Why does he behave like this? If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all its attendant suffering and humiliation, why is it he takes that one drink? Why can't he stay on the water wagon? What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters?"
And the AA answer is:
"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
-both quotes from Ch. 2 AA Big Book
If that resonates any with you, maybe AA is the place to be. Keep your ears open.