Day five has been rough, but I'm still here and still sober (just by the hair on my chinny chin chin).
My boozing has ripped a gigantic hole in my 14 year relationship with my partner. He's giving serious consideration to moving out, and in my gut I know he will. We had a long conversation last night that continued this morning. At 5:10am he was leaving, but at 5:35am he wasn't. I can't remain sane not knowing if and when the movers will arrive to take half of my life to some other apartment. I feel unsafe and insecure. Will he be there when I get home this afternoon? If not, then what? If so, then what?
I know I have caused tremendous stress and worry, I have repeatedly lied about drinking, I have manipulated situations, I have broken promises and taken back my word. And, I hate what I have done. Seeing him hurt causes enormous guilt and heavy pain, but I can't take it back. That's frustrating.
I don't want him to move out, and just the thought of the economic strain the move will cause makes me dizzy and sick to my stomach. I am afraid of what might happen . . . will I drink when he leaves . . . will the relationship end for good?
At the same time, I can't blame him. If I were merely a friend of his, I would advise him to leave my a$$ too. I'm dead weight and have caused agony for the majority of the past 4-5 years.
The stress of last night and today leaves me so very close to running to alcohol. I don't want to go home, but I don't want to stay here at work. The walk from my office to the subway involves passing no less than four liquor stores, and I think if I just stay here at work he won't be able to tell me to my face that he's moving, then I won't have to deal with the financial complications of moving -- breaking a rental lease, losing several thousand dollars of the deposit, being dragged into court and forced to pay for an apartment neither one of us are living in -- NYC is a bear when it comes to housing.
There is no room on my plate, every brain cell I have is already occupied with worry. I am trying my best to accept whatever comes and deal with the nightmare when it arrives. Live life on lifes terms, blah blah blah. So much easier said than done.
One thing has changed . . . my sobriety is for me, not him. I need me back more than he does. But, I keep thinking, if I drink I could always just start over again, right? I mean I did that last week. It didn't feel good, but drinking is the only way I know how to get out of my own head and find just a little bit of RELIEF today.
It's not good, it's not easy, it's not pretty. And, it's only day five and the worst hasn't even arrived. UGH.