drainedwife

HI...i havent been on Sr in sooooo long. basically, i found enother recovery website/forum and i was posting there. Anyway, my husband is my addict, and things have been the same forever with him. He wont admit he has a problem, I try to make things nicey-nice, or rather, i dont usually start with him to keep the peace, you know how it goes. He is a "functioning" addict in that he functions at his job supposedly, and is doing well there, supposedly, but doesnt have anything left over to give to his family.

I have stayed because I am too scared to do anything. SO anyway, this past week it seemed as if he was using every day (wouldnt go to sleep at night). mthat is my biggest clue, because he hides it so well. Usually, he only uses once or twice a week. Dont know why this week, he chose to use so much, and i know i cant dwell on it...anyway, i saw residue on the dining room table where he was doing his work. Should i say anything, or what would that really accomplish anyway. I told him this weekend, when we had gotten a credit card check he had written to himself be declined for insufficient funds, (he cashed this check at our bank, and because he was up to is limit on the card, they took the $$ out of our checking account). so he told me it was for something at work that he gets reimbursed for, but come on, im not THAT STUPID!! the check was made out to him....he's pulled this so many times before. so i said to him "dont you ever want to earn back my trust" and he said no, i dont really care anymore (he was made about an incident with our kids from that morning). .so i said, "then lets stop torturing this family and get seperated or divorced...." he responded with "yeah, yeah, okay, okay....."..and that was it.

Problem is this....im a chicken...i have no back bone....i let him use drugs in our house and dont do anything about it. If i set boundaries, which i have in the past..he doesnt listen,,,,if i tell him not to use in the house, he will anyway. what consequence can i give and stick to???? He wont go if i ask him to, and i have no where to go.

Another issue i have and this may sound stupid, but in the morning, i always kiss him good-bye but whenim angry at him, like for instance, NOW because he has used all week, and used in the house...., i dont want to kiss him good-bye...but then i will have to deal with him getting all angry at me for not kissing me and him perhaps verbally abusing me....and threatening me, and so on....as you can see, i am soo codependent and i have been trying to change for 3 years now...and maybe in some small ways i have, but not really.

I have no career, been a stay at home mom for years, and i have no confidence..i know he will have to pay alimony and child support and ive been to lawyers and talked to them about it, but it never really made me feel better. how can i rely on him anyway?? i mean he has held his job, and he is doing well....in his line of work, the cocaine helps him to keep alert and to work longer hours, so in a way it helps, but i know it has to catch up to him at some point.

He also used to snort oxycontin....he went on suboxone 3 years ago, and is still on it,but he switched to cocaine at that time and continues to use. I cant beleive this is my life. I am sad much of the time because i feel trapped and i hate that i am married to a man who cares so little about himself. I find snorthing cocaine disgusting and degrading. I have lost all respect for him. And its not just the drugs but it is also the way he treats me and how he is a bully.

I have been asking the same question for years, and that is how am i going to get the strength to do what i need to do???? I have never had any role models, i have no family to help me...i have never been a go-getter, i have always just waited for things to happen, i never went out and made things happen. i dont know how to do that.

sorry if i am rambling on and on.....im just tired...so very sick and tired of being sick and tired.