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should I let him know i saw cocaine residue on DR table?

Old 04-27-2009, 01:52 PM
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should I let him know i saw cocaine residue on DR table?

HI...i havent been on Sr in sooooo long. basically, i found enother recovery website/forum and i was posting there. Anyway, my husband is my addict, and things have been the same forever with him. He wont admit he has a problem, I try to make things nicey-nice, or rather, i dont usually start with him to keep the peace, you know how it goes. He is a "functioning" addict in that he functions at his job supposedly, and is doing well there, supposedly, but doesnt have anything left over to give to his family.

I have stayed because I am too scared to do anything. SO anyway, this past week it seemed as if he was using every day (wouldnt go to sleep at night). mthat is my biggest clue, because he hides it so well. Usually, he only uses once or twice a week. Dont know why this week, he chose to use so much, and i know i cant dwell on it...anyway, i saw residue on the dining room table where he was doing his work. Should i say anything, or what would that really accomplish anyway. I told him this weekend, when we had gotten a credit card check he had written to himself be declined for insufficient funds, (he cashed this check at our bank, and because he was up to is limit on the card, they took the $$ out of our checking account). so he told me it was for something at work that he gets reimbursed for, but come on, im not THAT STUPID!! the check was made out to him....he's pulled this so many times before. so i said to him "dont you ever want to earn back my trust" and he said no, i dont really care anymore (he was made about an incident with our kids from that morning). .so i said, "then lets stop torturing this family and get seperated or divorced...." he responded with "yeah, yeah, okay, okay....."..and that was it.

Problem is this....im a chicken...i have no back bone....i let him use drugs in our house and dont do anything about it. If i set boundaries, which i have in the past..he doesnt listen,,,,if i tell him not to use in the house, he will anyway. what consequence can i give and stick to???? He wont go if i ask him to, and i have no where to go.

Another issue i have and this may sound stupid, but in the morning, i always kiss him good-bye but whenim angry at him, like for instance, NOW because he has used all week, and used in the house...., i dont want to kiss him good-bye...but then i will have to deal with him getting all angry at me for not kissing me and him perhaps verbally abusing me....and threatening me, and so on....as you can see, i am soo codependent and i have been trying to change for 3 years now...and maybe in some small ways i have, but not really.

I have no career, been a stay at home mom for years, and i have no confidence..i know he will have to pay alimony and child support and ive been to lawyers and talked to them about it, but it never really made me feel better. how can i rely on him anyway?? i mean he has held his job, and he is doing well....in his line of work, the cocaine helps him to keep alert and to work longer hours, so in a way it helps, but i know it has to catch up to him at some point.

He also used to snort oxycontin....he went on suboxone 3 years ago, and is still on it,but he switched to cocaine at that time and continues to use. I cant beleive this is my life. I am sad much of the time because i feel trapped and i hate that i am married to a man who cares so little about himself. I find snorthing cocaine disgusting and degrading. I have lost all respect for him. And its not just the drugs but it is also the way he treats me and how he is a bully.

I have been asking the same question for years, and that is how am i going to get the strength to do what i need to do???? I have never had any role models, i have no family to help me...i have never been a go-getter, i have always just waited for things to happen, i never went out and made things happen. i dont know how to do that.

sorry if i am rambling on and on.....im just tired...so very sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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Old 04-27-2009, 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post

.....im just tired...so very sick and tired of being sick and tired.
drained, I am hoping what you wrote is true. Because if you have finally reached this point, then YOU are ready for change. Other than SR, do you have any other support? Do you go to f2f meetings?

IMO this would be a very good start for you.

Hugs & Prayers,
Chris
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Old 04-27-2009, 02:12 PM
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This is only my opinion of course, take it as you will. Please know that I say this with sincere caring...

You know those stories you read or hear about someone performing acts of sheer superhuman strength or will. Someone who lifts a car off the ground to save a child trapped beneath it or someone who carries someone else twice their weight from a burning a building when they could barely walk in the first place. It takes a moment so profound in their life to drive them to such heroics.

You may need such a profound moment.

Nothing has shaken you of your fear to act. No financial distress, no verbal abuse, no threats, nothing. Nothing has put you in the moment when that fear is outweighed by something far more important.

What would make someone risk their life to save another person???

What would make you risk everything to save yourself????

I am, in part, a hypocrit. I am still my alcoholic boyfriend, and I struggle with boundaries every day. Some days are good, some days are bad, but I work at it the best I can. I am pushing myself at gaining my own financial independence so I can leave on my terms. I won't run fleeing from my home if I can avoid it.

If you do not get your act together, will you end up fleeing for your own safety? Would you actually flee or would you stay and perrish?

Alice
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Old 04-27-2009, 02:15 PM
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You know DW, if it gets out that your AH is using drugs in the home, and yes one of the kids could let it slip at school, and if a teacher or counselor hears of it, well ............................ they are OBLIGATED by law to report to Florida Child Protective Services, and if they become involved, especially in Florida, you will loose the children and a have a 'snowball's chance in h*ll' of getting them back. Florida Child Protective Services has a reputation for PROTECTING THE CHILD.

You are being MENTALLY and EMOTIONALLY abused. Your CHILDREN are in a VERY UNHEALTHY living situation. May I ask what more has to happen before you will call the nearest Domestic Violence Shelter to get some help, some counseling, some assistance in finding housing, if he will not leave, etc.

Yes I know, FEAR. Well I would hope that your FEAR of LEAVING is now less than your FEAR OF STAYING.

Please, if not for you, but for your CHILDREN'S SAKE, make those phone calls, start taking the tiny baby steps to get you and the children SAFE!!!!!!

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-27-2009, 02:40 PM
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im actually in nj.....

the kids dont know of his drug use...im sure of that,,,but believe me, i am not making excuses...i know the consequences if someone were to find out....

there obviously is something wrong with me. THere is something so very wrong that i cannot gather the strength to leave....

what can a domestic violence shelter do for me?? i already go to a therapist.
I am not taking my kids to a shelter..first of all, they are old enough that they will not even come with me. they wont leave their house.

I know that when you are not emotionally attached to a situation it is very easy to tell someone what to do. I know it is very easy for me to tell someone else what to do.... and im not saying you are wrong...i know you arent. I know you are right.

I have to hit my bottom. where the hell is my bottom??? i know that i have to be ready..i have to be ready to get out of this relationship for god sakes, when am i goin to be ready already???
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Old 04-27-2009, 02:47 PM
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DW... welcome back. I wondered where you went and was hoping for a better outcome. I know it's hard not to be afraid... but you need to do something. Send me a PM if you like I am here.
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Old 04-27-2009, 02:50 PM
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Even if the kids don't know about the drug use, they know something is very very wrong in that household. You're kidding yourself if you think different.

What is your bottom? I don't know. For some the bottom comes when they can no longer stand the pain of living and commit suicide. I was close to that at one point. Codependency can and does kill. For some, they die at the hands of their abuser. Codependency can and does kill.

For some, they just exist like that till they are old and bitter, and figure it's too late by then. Often they get to see the pattern of addiction repeated in their children as they grow up.
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Old 04-27-2009, 02:56 PM
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DW - A suggestion: A baby-step of getting a part-time job would more than likely help with your self-esteem. To be in a situation where you are valued for what you do. Do a good job, take pride in your job. Being around people who talk to you and respect you - that in itself can help start to build the strength you are looking for. Your own money, in your own account, safe for you when you need it - independent... By starting small, you never know where it will take you - but by not starting at all, you know exactly where you are.

When a friend of mine was in a situation of being a staying at home Mom, feeling trapped to keep the family together, etc. her husband could get in her face, call her bluffs, etc. She felt she had no where to go. Her fear left her feeling paralyzed and stuck. Then, she got a job. She was an admin for a group of engineers. They liked her, they respected her, they treated her with respect and valued her opinion. She was part of their team and they let her know she was an important part of their team. OMG, the difference that made - more than talking to me or anyone. She remembered, she was valuable, she was interesting, she was respectable, etc. All the things I knew - and somewhere in her she knew it too, she just couldn't feel it because all she felt was fear.

The choices she makes now are not defined by fear.

Just a suggestion.

(((hugs)))
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Old 04-27-2009, 03:03 PM
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thanks all....to Bay Area...i am substitute teaching..i like i alot but the pay is really bad.
i keep looking for something else, but there is nothing out there.

i am having a really bad day i think. but i am realizing how much pain i am really in.

do my kids know something is wrong?? most likely they do....mommy and daddy are not a normal couple and daddy is always on the computer or watching tv in another room. We never go out as a family or see other couples.

timing is everything. WE have a rental house that is up for sale...when that sells, if it sells we are going to take the extra money and pay down our mortgage on this house and then refinance...also, he is going for an interview on May 8th for a job that he really wants. I think i need to wait until these things are over with for me to do anything. I also think i need to find the lawyer i will use. Ive been to many but havent found one i feel cofortable with except a young girl with just 6 yrs. experience. dont know if that is good enough....

if anyone has any other suggestions, i would love to hear them..and thanks.
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Old 04-27-2009, 03:14 PM
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Hi Drainedwife, Laurie is absolutely right with everything she said. I'll be praying that you do hit your bottom before something drastic happens to you or the children. Having your kids taken away won't be an easy road. I live in NY and believe me~~I have seen it happen. You may need a different therapist. I talked to a NA councelor that woke me up big time and from then on..things hjave been fine here. It was my son I was dealing with and I was major co-dependant. Not anymore and its the greatest feeling. Please don't be afraid to get the help you need and take some steps towards a healthy life. Smiles, Bonnie
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Old 04-27-2009, 03:28 PM
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Your husband is obligated to support the children, until age 18. Alimony is far less certain, unless there is a disability.

What's to stop you from teaching, full time?

Do you need more education? Get it now, cause whatever comfort cushion exists, may not last.

Get your head around your financial situation. Does he have a 401K? Are there any loans against it? They will be due if he becomes employed, elsewhere. What happens if your second home does not sell for the price you need or want?

This is your life. Participate. The more you put into it, the better you will feel.
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Old 04-27-2009, 03:52 PM
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what can a domestic violence shelter do for me?? i already go to a therapist.
First of all they do more than just 'shelter.'

They have more than 'just therapists' and their therapists are used to working with folks and children who have been ABUSED whether it is physically, mentally and/or emotionally.

Third, they have RESOURCES. Resources to viable, affordable LEGAL HELP familiar with this type of situation, housing, relocation, jobs, etc. You won't know just how much the particular shelters have in your area, until you GO TALK TO THEM.

Did your children see the powder? You may say no but how do you know for sure.

Your FEAR of the 'unknown' has your feet stuck to the floor.

Maybe, just maybe your FEAR of what is right now, is making you have this 'bad day'.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I know that when you are not emotionally attached to a situation it is very easy to tell someone what to do.
No I am NOT telling you what to do. I am telling you what I HAD TO DO when in a very similar situation, only with a 'military man' that addiction had progressed to violence (and I didn't know it).

I don't believe you have hit your 'bottom' yet. I was like you, I waited and I waited, for the 'right timing', and yes we had a rental property to sell, and wanted to see how much his military 'retirement' was so I would have all the info for the attorney, and and and, .................................... and then one mid morning, yes I said mid morning, with no conversation going on, or fight or anything, a fist came out of no where and caught my left cheek bone (yes he broke it). I was in the kitchen, I was near the knife rack, I did grab the biggest one I could handle (and my knives were razor sharp). I picked up the phone with left hand and dialed 911. He went to jail, I went to hospital and got face fixed and then to DV Shelter.

I hope you don't wait that long. They can SNAP in a NANO SECOND. I do know where of I speak.

also, he is going for an interview on May 8th for a job that he really wants.
Do you honestly believe, he is going to get that or any other job. Most jobs today require a drug test and many are now using the 'hair follicle' test rather than urine, and with his 'increased' usage that you are describing, got a news flash. AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. Hate to burst your bubbles, but just trying to hopefully prevent you from going through further h*ll and reaching the h*ll I went through before getting out.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-27-2009, 04:09 PM
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If you wait for these events, some others will inevitably come out as soon as they are up. There will always be something. I remember when I decided to get out of the relationship with my ABF. There was never a good time to do it. First, it was the holidays, then he lost his job, needed help, blah...blah...blah, etc, etc, etc.

You know what quacking is, my dear? That's when our addicts are talking a bunch of reasons and excuses. And that's what you are doing now...quacking. Your excuses and procrastination are keeping you sick and sad. And when Mom's not happy, ain't nobody happy in the house, especially your children.

Take action, or stay in the situation, but stop coming up with reasons to do so. There are no good enough reasons to stay in this situation.

Please get help and get out. Do you go to meetings? Please keep coming back here, too. We want to help, and part of that is going to be telling you what we needed to hear when we were in your situation.

Love,
KJ
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Old 04-27-2009, 04:33 PM
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You are the role model for your children?
What do you want to show them about how to live life?
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Old 04-27-2009, 06:06 PM
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DW,
Welcome back to the forum. IMO you are exhibiting the behavior of a relapsed addict. I remember your posts of at least a year ago, maybe two years ago, and there was a tremendous outpouring of advice and support for you and he was treating you viciously, waking you and accusing you of insane things, and you were writing in here THEN "what do I do...what do I do?"

And maybe the reason you were at another forum is because, deep down, like a relapsed addict, you didn't want to show up at the same online "meeting" you used to attend because nothing has changed, you are still making excuses to avoid change, and you are still blaming the addict for your life situation just the way an addict blames his job, his family, and the world for his "need" to use drugs.

I don't believe for a minute that you cannot separate, file for divorce, get a substantial alimony and child support settlement, and have a clean, safe, and sane life.

You are getting some sort of payoff for staying in your situation. I don't know what it is.

But I feel very sorry for your children.

Time to grow up, DW, and stop whining. Sorry to be so blunt. But if nothing changes, he doesn't have to.

Nothing has changed.

By the way, God bless you. And, I hope, give you the kick in the butt you need.

Said, I sincerely mean this, with love.
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Old 04-27-2009, 07:37 PM
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(((((DW))))

Take care of you!!!
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Old 04-27-2009, 08:32 PM
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DW, this thread sounds so harsh, I know...but we just love you and want you to be happy. So people (including me) are giving you a bit of a push into movement. We're not mean and we're not angry with you, I promise. We just want you to get back on the road to recovery. I hope you reach your bottom soon. And remember, DW, your bottom is just the place where you stop digging. YOU can reach it anytime YOU want.

We'll be here no matter what happens. Keep coming back!

Love,
KJ
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Old 04-27-2009, 09:08 PM
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Do you have a plan for when your husband isn't "functioning" anymore? For when he stays up all night and doesn't make it to work the next day? For when he gets fired because he fell asleep on the job? Or gets busted for using coke on the job? Do you think his boss is ignorant and stupid and is going to settle for a guy who stays up all night and uses coke and then barely functions at work? Especially in this economy.

I wonder how much more time he has left at that job before he loses it. And then what? What are you gonna do when he decides it's alot easier to afford cocaine when you and the kids aren't spoiling his fun. Honestly, I am surprised he's hung on this long.

How sad for you drained. Seriously. I can hardly stand that you value yourself so little.

I'm glad your kids didn't touch that coke residue on the table. Did you know it can be absorbed through the skin? I think a little girl in Seattle recently died from it. She was a toddler.
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Old 04-27-2009, 09:13 PM
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hello drained, I remember you well
sorry your still dealing with this.............but nothing changes if nothing changes
stick around this time
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Old 04-27-2009, 09:17 PM
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KJ is so right.

The forum has a way of making folks feel protective of one another. I've been told it's from going through the same things and feeling such an urge to stop it from ever happening to anyone else.

I have felt that kind of rally around me when I've struggled. I hope you feel it here, too. It's meant with love even if it is a litle tough love.

You really can make the decision that powder on the dining room table, where a close family should gather for a meal and to talk about their day, is your bottom. You can say you have had enough and make it stick.

I wish you well!

Alice
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