sfgirl

I am sort of confused. I am not advocating not going to the doctor. I go to my therapist all the time. I go to my psychiatrist all the time. I always did, using and sober. I take medicine. This is my story:

I started drinking at 14. At 17/18 I had a huge panic attack coming off of a huge bender and ended up in the emergency room, in a foreign country nonetheless. That panic attack, the first one I ever had, seemed directly linked to alcohol so I cut out the booze. I then had panic attacks daily for six months while dry. I saw counselors. I saw psychiatrists. I told everyone what happened— the truth. I have never lied to medical professionals. No one ever seemed to care about the alcohol part of the story. Finally, I started taking zoloft at the right dose and the panic attacks went away but general anxiety stayed. I started using again once I got to college, probably a month after I was panic free. I stayed panic free although I had elevated anxiety that continued and only subsided in the last few years. In college I had a therapist, I drank extremely heavily. I had a psychiatrist, saw them regularly. I never explicitly brought up my drinking as a problem although didn't hide that I drank, anxiety issues continued but never got as bad as daily panic attacks. Skip ahead a few years, a move, different doctors, therapist, add depression, me realizing I might have a problem, me voicing and making it the issue, and finally a few years later me quitting. Now in sobriety, looking back, I realize that I had a problem, and that it should and would have been apparent, certainly to another addict, probably pretty early on, probably sometime around that panic attack time, if someone had come to me, because at that time I was desperate to feel better and said it has something to do with alcohol, someone with authority, my life would have taken a different path. So much of my anxiety was wrapped up in my drinking and so much of the issues that led to my anxiety couldn't be dealt with while using. I completely understand going to a professional that specializes in addiction medicine but the problem with that is that you have to know you have a problem and get yourself there. I just feel that I can see addicts now from four blocks away as well as people in recovery so I know I wasn't as good as hiding as I thought. There are people who could have seen me and helped. It didn't happen. And now it seems as if I have lost my point in these ramblings, hopefully you can find it in here.