As I Mother, I can feel your pain. My son, by the Grace of God, is a normal, All American, full time college student, working full time, has a great girlfriend of almost 3 years . . . the picture of what a good American young man should be. But he's spoiled. When I was using, since I didn't give him the attention he needed and deserved, once I got dope, I would try to buy his love. Then when he was 12 and his Dad convinced me that Brandon would be better living with him, he started buying him things trying to make up for not being there over the years.
Now, even though he works, he wants everything now. He recently bought a fixer upper car that once he's done, is going to be an awesome ride as he says. But he is wanting to do everything to it now. He knows I have backpay coming from Social Security and is trying everything to convince me that it would be in my best interest to loan him the money so he can buy all the parts now and he'll pay me back in monthly installments. "Mom, I know in the past when you have alot of money, you blow it. This way, you'll know you have a certain amt of money coming in each month with your check and you can pay all of your bills and not get behind." I have to laugh, he's creative, just like his Mom, but sorry, no dice!
Even though this is nothing compared to what you are going through, I know what it feels like to want to give your child everything. Sure, you have the room for him, just like I could lend him the money and I know he'd pay me back just like he says he will. But we have to let our kids find their own wings in order to fly. I love my Mother dearly and in no way am I blaming her for any of my problems, but she always gave in to me when I wanted something. It was a shock when, at the age of 43 when I got clean and sober, to have to begin to stand on my own two feet. She was still living on her own at this time, still able to drive. I remember when I told her my plans of getting into the MMT Program. He very first words were, "I'm not going to drive you there everyday." Yes, I was mad at first. I threw out the guilt trip that had always worked in the past, "But Mom, I'm doing this for my Recovery, don't you want me to stay clean?" She didn't budge. And for that, I am extremely grateful. It's been hard taking buses everywhere, especially when my disabilites have gotten worse, but I needed to learn independence. She has enough money in the bank that she could help me get my license back and get a good, little used car. But she is still standing firm in making me clean up the wreckage of my past. I lost my license due to getting into a wreck without insurance on my way to the pharmacy to get pills. I was begining to go through withdrawls and didn't think about anyone else on the road but myself. Thank God no one was hurt. . . but I did total a brand new BMW in the process. If Mom would have continued to hand me just about everything I wanted, I wonder if I would have remained clean and sober for as long as I have. I have learned to appreciate the simple things, like getting myself somewhere on my own.
I hope you don't think I've hijacked your thread. I just wanted you to hear an adult child who is very grateful for their Mom's tough love. You hang tight to your decision. I think it's the best one you could have made. I also think going to Alanon or Naranon is a fantastic idea. You have been working your own Program of Recovery for your own addiction, it sounds like your ready to start working on your CoDependency. Believe me, as a Mom, I know it's hard to draw the line and find that middle ground between loving our kids and enabling them.
Love & Hugs,
Judy