I am a Heartbroken Mother

Old 04-22-2009, 08:06 PM
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I'm a Heartbroken Mother

So, I am having a really bad night. My son just called me from Rehab. He sounds so good. He is finally 100% clean. No suboxone, no nothing. It's been over 30 days since he is off of suboxone. He is finally working the program so hard, and he is finally taking his recovery serious. He sounds so sincere, like the son I always knew and loved. His emotions are coming up, and he said that he is so so sorry, for what he put this family through. He cried when I told him that I love him so much, and that he almost killed me with his drug abuse. Then he asked me if he could come back here. If he could call my husband and ask him himself. He said he spoke to his boss, and could even get his job in the laborers union back. And what I had to tell him is killing me. I told him NO. I promised him the last time he was here, that if he went out to use drugs again, that he could never come back here again. And I meant it. He was still crying. When I reminded him how I frantically ran around the house between 2 and 5 in the morning, cause he didn't answer any of my calls. I told him how I panicked because I thought he was dead or overdosed. I told him that I lost 30 pounds, didn't eat or sleep for almost 2 years, and lost my hair from stress and worry. I told him I forgive him, and I still love him unconditionally, but I don't know when I will be able to trust him again. This is the first time in 3 years, I have heard my son, sound like my son. He was someone else when he was using all those drugs. The thing that bothers me, is that I have to keep my word, and not let him back in my home. Now that he is really serious, and really 100% clean, no one in his family will help him. It just kills me. Nothing has ever hurt me more. But, its tough love now. He has to suffer the consequences. The sad part is that I have a really big house, with 3 empty bedrooms upstairs. I have the room for him. Also, I have hired someone to vacuum my pool for me this summer. When my own son could do it for me. It just breaks my heart. Why do I feel so awful? Can someone tell me what will make me feel better? I feel like I am abandoning my boy. Even though I know that I have been a really good mother to him, his whole life. This really hurts, my heart is bleeding. I really want to help my son, but I know it's time for him to find his own way in the world. The heartache never ends. I am so thankful that he is clean and straight, and so torn up because I want to take him in, and can't. I know that taking him in is not the right thing to do. But, I want to help him so badly. I guess I will just do what I always do. I will pray my rosary and ask GOD to provide what he needs. Does anyone have any advice?
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Old 04-22-2009, 08:25 PM
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I'm sorry you are hurting. To me it is not true that no one in the family will "help" him. By loving him enough to find his own way and work a recovery program on his own, you are truly helping him. As your son progresses in his recovery, he will understand that and appreciate the loving act you have performed. I have gone to many open AA and NA meetings and shared with many recovering addicts. There is not one I know that now says...My parents did not love me, they made me do this on my own. Truthfully, they say, I didn't appreciate it at the time, but when my parents stopped "helping" me and just loved me enough to let me find my own way, they saved my life.

Hugs...I know it is hard, but you are doing the right thing...for you and for your son.
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Old 04-22-2009, 09:08 PM
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greeteachday, Thank you so much for your kind words. I don't know what I would do without SR. So many kind people like yourself have given me so much love and support here. Even though I feel horrible about my son not being able to come back here, I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing. Your words confirm it for me. I am still so sad though. I'm hoping I will feel differently when the time comes. He's not even out of treatment yet. And your right. There are other's in my family that will help him. My sister is a great life line for my son. She does alot of work with NA, and is speaking at his treatment center tomorrow, on the womens side. My son just needs time to get back on his feet. Drugs have taken everything from him. Nothing aches like a mothers heart. Thank You for your kindness and compassion. :ghug3
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Old 04-22-2009, 09:24 PM
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Smile

Phal, Who loves you baby? Your the best, :rotfxko and sock monster just cracks me up. I can always count on you to cheer me up. Your a wonderful friend too. Thanks so much Phal, for your kindness and support. Oh! and Thanks for sending me sock monsters when I am down in the dumps. Your awesome.
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Old 04-22-2009, 10:35 PM
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He will find his way, the people at the rehab will help him. A halfway house where he can get a job, earn money and eventually move out on his own. I know when I work hard for what I have I appreciate it so much more.

You are doing the right thing, I'm sorry you are hurting.
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Old 04-22-2009, 10:38 PM
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Latte, A halfway house for my son sounds so horrible to me. Especially when I have room for him. I don't want him to have to go to a place like that. This is so heartbreaking.
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Old 04-23-2009, 03:01 AM
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A half-way house is a good place for a recovering addict to be. I do know exactely how you feel. My AS is 42 & because of my parents enabling his addiction has gone on for 20yrs. If you take him back in, it could wind up ending the same way it did last time. This is something he has to do for himself. It takes alot of love to say no. It is harder than saying yes. If you said yes you would feel better BUT is it the best thing for your son? I don't think so.
Trust your sons HP to take care of him.
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Old 04-23-2009, 03:28 AM
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Now that he is really serious, and really 100% clean, no one in his family will help him. It just kills me. Nothing has ever hurt me more. But, its tough love now. He has to suffer the consequences.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is the right thing. When he lived there before he just got sicker and so did you.

Letting him find his own way through recovery, letting him learn to live life on life's terms (even if life is not always what HE wants), is to give him a gift of love greater than anything else you could do.

He is in rehab now, surrounded by support, and the real test will come when he leaves. One of the things they teach him is that he has to change his ways, he has to do differently than what he did when he used drugs, and this means learning to take care of himself and doing what he needs to do without anyone else telling him how he "should" live or cushioning his fall.

Once I found my own recovery and began working a healthy program that allowed me to accept life without staying up all night worrying or making myself sick...only then could I be strong enough to do what was right for me and for those I loved.

Have you gone to any meetings? If so, hang on to that support and share with them as you share with us. If not, maybe now would be a good time to give yourself a program that will help you maintain your balance...no matter how he does with his recovery.

WE are not the only option, and we are far from being the best option for them or for us. Letting go does not mean to stop loving, letting go means to love enough to let him find his own way and learn his own lessons without interference.

Sure it's hard, but not as hard as having a front row seat this his addiction or his recovery.

Hugs
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Old 04-23-2009, 03:33 AM
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My friend you are doing the right thing your love for him shows and I can't even see you. You are a good mother Joey will recover on his own time and you have put him back on track. God Bless you friend.
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Old 04-23-2009, 03:35 AM
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I am sending you big (((hugs & support))) when I seen the heading my heart dropped, the first thought was OMG her son is using again. I was so relieved when I seen he wasn't. I wish I could tell you what to do, I know how much you love your son. Maybe you could tell him to go out and do it on his own for a period of time and then he can come home, he needs to rebuild that trust with you and if he can do it for a period of time proving he will stay clean then you can let him come home. You have been so helpful to myself and so many others on SR it hurts to hear you in so much pain. Try to focus on the happiness your feeling because he is clean. It is true our hearts always hurt for our children, but you have to do what is right for you first. I will be praying for you and all our hurting SR mothers. Julie
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Old 04-23-2009, 03:41 AM
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My daughter spent two months in her rehab's halfway house. It really helped her to get a foothold in the sober world. Never regret doing things for your son out of love. Never regret doing what is best for you. You deserve a calm, serene life too, you know. Hugs, Marle
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Old 04-23-2009, 04:33 AM
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I agree with the others, a halfway house "sounds" bad, but IRL I don't think that's the case. AH was due to go to one after rehab. It's just the next step inching them into the real world. The step from rehab back into society is a big one - a halfway house is just a baby step inbetween.
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Old 04-23-2009, 04:47 AM
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when I read what you wrote angelic the first thing that popped into my mind how your son took the no! He is changing and getting better if he was able to respond with understanding and not be upset with you.

So while it hurts so very much to practice tough love you are seeing that it truly works. I am so happy for you and your family. Its great to hear stories like this where someone is actually working to get better.

I know there is nothing any of us can do or say to make you feel better but like I said he is getting better and the proof is in his actions.....
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Old 04-23-2009, 04:57 AM
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Good for you for sticking to your boundaries.
I cant recall the age of your son but i know that for most young adults once they get out on their own, have their own job, their own money, their own responsibilities that they have more reason to keep their lives together because they have a personal investment. Even without the drugs at some point all parents have to let their children stand on their own two feet. It doesnt mean that if you see him working hard that you cant help but it would be in your own way and under your terms not just giving him an easy place to land. Think of this which would make you work harder - living at your parents home, having a nice room, and good food on the table or living in a half-way house with a bunch of strangers? I would suspect that if he is serious about recovery that he will get himself out of the 1/2 way house much faster then he would get himself out of your home.
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Old 04-23-2009, 05:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
WE are not the only option, and we are far from being the best option for them or for us. Letting go does not mean to stop loving, letting go means to love enough to let him find his own way and learn his own lessons without interference.

Sure it's hard, but not as hard as having a front row seat this his addiction or his recovery.

Hugs

Wow Ann, what insight!!! Realizing i am not the best option for my son is SO freeing. And knowing that i cannot take a front row seat to his recovery is also SO freeing...

God has a plan for my life, and that does not include hovering over an active or inactive addict....

I too have lots of room in my home for someone to live - and i've had to live with the uncomfortable feeling of helping my two older sons while in college and beyond both financially and in letting them stay here while on college breaks while i said an emphatic "no" to the son in active addiction/rebellion. But bottom line is that it is my home, and i have had to decide what kind of help to give each one of my children based on their behaviors and decisions. Each case is different - with the case of the active addict being a lot different.

You will hover over your son if he comes back to live - he needs to be finding his way outside of the parental "nest." If you think you won't hover, you're fooling yourself. And your son, being fearful of the new life of recovery, may take the path of least resistance and let you hover over him. Not good for anyone - especially in the period of early recovery when your son is most in need of lots of access to people in recovery who have gone before him and who will hold him accountable in the everyday things of life that you as a mom may not because of fear of his reaction.
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Old 04-23-2009, 05:38 AM
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As I Mother, I can feel your pain. My son, by the Grace of God, is a normal, All American, full time college student, working full time, has a great girlfriend of almost 3 years . . . the picture of what a good American young man should be. But he's spoiled. When I was using, since I didn't give him the attention he needed and deserved, once I got dope, I would try to buy his love. Then when he was 12 and his Dad convinced me that Brandon would be better living with him, he started buying him things trying to make up for not being there over the years.

Now, even though he works, he wants everything now. He recently bought a fixer upper car that once he's done, is going to be an awesome ride as he says. But he is wanting to do everything to it now. He knows I have backpay coming from Social Security and is trying everything to convince me that it would be in my best interest to loan him the money so he can buy all the parts now and he'll pay me back in monthly installments. "Mom, I know in the past when you have alot of money, you blow it. This way, you'll know you have a certain amt of money coming in each month with your check and you can pay all of your bills and not get behind." I have to laugh, he's creative, just like his Mom, but sorry, no dice!

Even though this is nothing compared to what you are going through, I know what it feels like to want to give your child everything. Sure, you have the room for him, just like I could lend him the money and I know he'd pay me back just like he says he will. But we have to let our kids find their own wings in order to fly. I love my Mother dearly and in no way am I blaming her for any of my problems, but she always gave in to me when I wanted something. It was a shock when, at the age of 43 when I got clean and sober, to have to begin to stand on my own two feet. She was still living on her own at this time, still able to drive. I remember when I told her my plans of getting into the MMT Program. He very first words were, "I'm not going to drive you there everyday." Yes, I was mad at first. I threw out the guilt trip that had always worked in the past, "But Mom, I'm doing this for my Recovery, don't you want me to stay clean?" She didn't budge. And for that, I am extremely grateful. It's been hard taking buses everywhere, especially when my disabilites have gotten worse, but I needed to learn independence. She has enough money in the bank that she could help me get my license back and get a good, little used car. But she is still standing firm in making me clean up the wreckage of my past. I lost my license due to getting into a wreck without insurance on my way to the pharmacy to get pills. I was begining to go through withdrawls and didn't think about anyone else on the road but myself. Thank God no one was hurt. . . but I did total a brand new BMW in the process. If Mom would have continued to hand me just about everything I wanted, I wonder if I would have remained clean and sober for as long as I have. I have learned to appreciate the simple things, like getting myself somewhere on my own.

I hope you don't think I've hijacked your thread. I just wanted you to hear an adult child who is very grateful for their Mom's tough love. You hang tight to your decision. I think it's the best one you could have made. I also think going to Alanon or Naranon is a fantastic idea. You have been working your own Program of Recovery for your own addiction, it sounds like your ready to start working on your CoDependency. Believe me, as a Mom, I know it's hard to draw the line and find that middle ground between loving our kids and enabling them.

Love & Hugs,
Judy
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Old 04-23-2009, 10:45 AM
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Wow, I am amazed at how many people responded to my post. There are so many of you, I cannot respond to each of you individually. It would take me forever. I know that saying no while my son cries is the best thing I can do for him, and for me. But it doesn't stop my pain and heartache. I have been to Naranon many times, and I also tried doing things my way, which by the way, didn't work. I have learned,and I know better, but my son is my son, and it is torture for me to see him struggling. I just want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I really appreciate all of the feed back, and one after the other you all know that I can't take him back in. I told him if he went back out, that he couldn't come back here, and I am sticking to it. I meant what I said. But, I have a nagging feeling of sorrow in my heart. He needs a miracle. And I need this pain in my heart to go away. Thank You so much, to all of you here on SR. This is the very first time I have ever posted, and it's so good to see how much all of you really good people care. I'm going to try to be happy about his recovery. And stop worrying about where he will go when he is done with rehab. I will just stay in the day, and try not to think to far ahead. God Bless all of you, for taking the time to answer my post. I am thankful to GOD for all of you, and for my son's recovery. He said he feels great. That's a blessing in itself. Thanks again, I love all of you.
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Old 04-23-2009, 11:03 AM
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Your post really touched me because I could have written it myself.
There are alot of wise words above me, but I just wanted to add my support, and you are being a very loving mother by letting your son find his own way.
Hugs, Stef
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Old 04-23-2009, 11:45 AM
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Just wanted to add my support. You are showing loving support by sticking to your boundaries and letting your son find his own way.

Hugs,
Chris
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Old 04-23-2009, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post

....you're just seeing the empty spot in the nest mom. and missing the "peep peep" sound of your chick.
You nailed it, Anvilhead.

Regrdless of drugs, there comes a time for every adult child to leave the nest.

And with drugs, especially when it too easy to not stand one one's own feet, "peep-peep" tends to turn into quack-quack.

A sober living enviornment is an excellent transition and it's up to the chick to decide where it leads.
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