So,
I am having a really bad night. My son just called me from Rehab. He sounds so good. He is finally 100% clean. No suboxone, no nothing. It's been over 30 days since he is off of suboxone. He is finally working the program so hard, and he is finally taking his recovery serious. He sounds so sincere, like the son I always knew and loved. His emotions are coming up, and he said that he is so so sorry, for what he put this family through. He cried when I told him that I love him so much, and that he almost killed me with his drug abuse. Then he asked me if he could come back here. If he could call my husband and ask him himself. He said he spoke to his boss, and could even get his job in the laborers union back. And what I had to tell him is killing me. I told him NO. I promised him the last time he was here, that if he went out to use drugs again, that he could never come back here again. And I meant it. He was still crying. When I reminded him how I frantically ran around the house between 2 and 5 in the morning, cause he didn't answer any of my calls. I told him how I panicked because I thought he was dead or overdosed. I told him that I lost 30 pounds, didn't eat or sleep for almost 2 years, and lost my hair from stress and worry. I told him I forgive him, and I still love him unconditionally, but I don't know when I will be able to trust him again. This is the first time in 3 years, I have heard my son, sound like my son. He was someone else when he was using all those drugs. The thing that bothers me, is that I have to keep my word, and not let him back in my home. Now that he is really serious, and really 100% clean, no one in his family will help him. It just kills me. Nothing has ever hurt me more. But, its tough love now. He has to suffer the consequences. The sad part is that I have a really big house, with 3 empty bedrooms upstairs. I have the room for him. Also, I have hired someone to vacuum my pool for me this summer. When my own son could do it for me. It just breaks my heart. Why do I feel so awful? Can someone tell me what will make me feel better? I feel like I am abandoning my boy. Even though I know that I have been a really good mother to him, his whole life. This really hurts, my heart is bleeding. I really want to help my son, but I know it's time for him to find his own way in the world. The heartache never ends. I am so thankful that he is clean and straight, and so torn up because I want to take him in, and can't. I know that taking him in is not the right thing to do. But, I want to help him so badly. I guess I will just do what I always do. I will pray my rosary and ask GOD to provide what he needs. Does anyone have any advice?
