Thank you all for your responses.
The Fire Dept. I work at has a zero tolerance policy. Other than a useless legal battle, there is probably no way I would keep my job. I sought help through our EAP (Employee Assistance Program) after being tested and met with a counselor. She told me what I wanted to hear and not what I needed to hear. She told me I should try to set a limit for my drinking and stick to it. She was nice, but obviously not very well versed in alcoholism or addiction.
I have been trying to get myself to go clean for a long time now, I just manipulate myself into ignoring the truths every time. I know I will be sober one day, I just don't know at what cost. Every time I quit, and the bad stuff blows over, I go back to drinking thinking I can hold onto my image of the "life of the party". I'm not sure why I like that feeling as I am 31 years old.
I think the biggest thing I got from the meeting today was that I have trouble living past today, but I can handle today. I looked around at everyone in the room, and realized, I was the only one who was on the border of breaking down sobbing for 60 straight minutes. Everyone else was happy and grateful for their recovery, I was still wallowing in my own self pitty and misery. It's easy to try to think you are better than the drunks in the room, but who is the one having trouble dealing with life day to day and worrying sick about things that could have been prevented.
I can handle today and not drinking one day at a time, I just can't get myself to live in today.