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Floating bottom. Why can't I just hit it already!

Old 04-16-2009, 04:52 PM
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Floating bottom. Why can't I just hit it already!

I am not exactly a newcomer to recovery. I have been in and out of meetings since I was about 6. My mother used to bring me with and I was told I was an alcoholic before I ever even had my first drink. My mother is in her 24th year of recovery. I guess mom was right?

Anyway, I got a year of clean time when I was 18 but after I moved off to college, I felt like I was missing something. I have been deep into addiction and alcoholism for 13 years now and have only ever put together about a week or so here and there on sporatic occassions since then. Usually when I fear my wife will leave me, or my guilt gets to me and I make a half hearted effort at recovery.

Well, to get to my current bout with my soul. I am a firefighter, my job is the world to me and I can't imagine life without it. I was recently drug tested and knew I was clean. I bumped into an old friend the next day and he had some coke on him. I resisted at first but my clouded alcoholic vision led me to doing a couple bumps for old time sake. That was Saturday, Thursday rolls around and I have to take a re-test because my urine was too clear.

For the last week I have been living in an internal hell, wondering whether I will still have my job or not. I have refrained from drinking for about 5 days hoping that internalizing my feelings and trying to process them will help me get to the point I need to stop. Feeling the pain without numbing it if you will, trying to make a bottom for myself. Today I finally stopped at a meeting on a whim. I listened and hoped to gather some wisdom. I did not pick up a chip because I wasn't commited, and obviously aren't because I am into my first drink as I type this.

I'm not sure If my biggest fear is failing the test, or passing the test and not learning from the pain I have experienced. I know the issue was not the drugs, it was the alcohol. I never would have done that if I was sober. I love my job too much, it's a calling, and one that I think I have been called to do.

I keep telling myself that my higher power picked my for this profession, but how can I truly help others without helping myself first.

I feel like I have the answers, I just can't get myself to listen to them. What will it take?

Thank you for letting me share.

Patrick
Alcoholic
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Old 04-16-2009, 04:59 PM
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Hello, Patrick. Welcome to SR.
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Old 04-16-2009, 05:10 PM
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Thanks. I guess my biggest question is: I know I'm an alcoholic, I know I will be happier and have much more joy sober, why do I choose to continue drinking?
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Old 04-16-2009, 05:10 PM
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Hi Patrick,

Welcome!

Your post reminded me, in a way, of how I used to feel when I was drinking and hiding it. I desparately tried to hide it and to not get caught by my family, but at the same time, I wished that I would get caught. This disease messes with our minds.

I hope you make a decision to live a sober life. There is lots of support and inspiration here.
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Old 04-16-2009, 05:26 PM
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If the test comes back positive does the fire dept. allow you to go to rehab and still keep your job? It seems to me that they wouldnt fire someone just for one bad test.

Also, be careful what you wish for. Why not just quit now before you reach a bad bottom, it can be done and there are many people here who have done it. I would say just the chance of losing your dream job is enough of a bottom to seriously start looking for help. Reaching out here is a great first step.
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Old 04-16-2009, 05:33 PM
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welcome patrick! I quit alcohol because it made or allowed me to do something totally repulsive that I cant take back. It sounds like to me you got a really BIG message (warning warning!). I hope you listen to it now, as it can only get worse. Fire fighters rock by the way, I'm pulling for you buddy.
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Old 04-16-2009, 05:38 PM
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(((Patrick)))

Welcome to SR. Your story is very familiar to mine. I was an RN, absolutely LOVED my job. I became addicted to opiates. I "almost" got caught..managed not to, a couple of times. The last time, scared me enough that I quit the opiates, got into meetings, but obviously had not hit my bottom or accepted that I was not through trying to numb myself.

I got another job, hadn't lost my license, yet, when someone introduced me to crack and it was downhill from there.

Not to hijack your thread, but if I had stopped when I first was in trouble at work, gotten honest with myself, and put my heart into recovery, I would still be an RN. I'm not, I'm waiting tables. I can still GET my license back, but there are a ton of hoops to jump through.

I have 2 years clean, but I went a long way from where you are now, to when I hit bottom. I truly hope you don't follow my path. Mine included jail, homelessness and a few other unsavory details....all in an effort to get high.

Nursing was my life, and I thought NOTHING could ever take me away from it. Don't think your love of firefighting is stronger than addiction, because it's not.

Despite the fact that I'm not a nurse any more, I am looking into other avenues to use my background, back in school, and I am a much happier person, now that I am 2 years into recovery. Try it...it's very much worth it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-16-2009, 05:44 PM
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Thank you all for your responses.

The Fire Dept. I work at has a zero tolerance policy. Other than a useless legal battle, there is probably no way I would keep my job. I sought help through our EAP (Employee Assistance Program) after being tested and met with a counselor. She told me what I wanted to hear and not what I needed to hear. She told me I should try to set a limit for my drinking and stick to it. She was nice, but obviously not very well versed in alcoholism or addiction.

I have been trying to get myself to go clean for a long time now, I just manipulate myself into ignoring the truths every time. I know I will be sober one day, I just don't know at what cost. Every time I quit, and the bad stuff blows over, I go back to drinking thinking I can hold onto my image of the "life of the party". I'm not sure why I like that feeling as I am 31 years old.

I think the biggest thing I got from the meeting today was that I have trouble living past today, but I can handle today. I looked around at everyone in the room, and realized, I was the only one who was on the border of breaking down sobbing for 60 straight minutes. Everyone else was happy and grateful for their recovery, I was still wallowing in my own self pitty and misery. It's easy to try to think you are better than the drunks in the room, but who is the one having trouble dealing with life day to day and worrying sick about things that could have been prevented.

I can handle today and not drinking one day at a time, I just can't get myself to live in today.
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Old 04-16-2009, 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post
(((Patrick)))

Welcome to SR. Your story is very familiar to mine. I was an RN, absolutely LOVED my job. I became addicted to opiates. I "almost" got caught..managed not to, a couple of times. The last time, scared me enough that I quit the opiates, got into meetings, but obviously had not hit my bottom or accepted that I was not through trying to numb myself.

I got another job, hadn't lost my license, yet, when someone introduced me to crack and it was downhill from there.

Not to hijack your thread, but if I had stopped when I first was in trouble at work, gotten honest with myself, and put my heart into recovery, I would still be an RN. I'm not, I'm waiting tables. I can still GET my license back, but there are a ton of hoops to jump through.

I have 2 years clean, but I went a long way from where you are now, to when I hit bottom. I truly hope you don't follow my path. Mine included jail, homelessness and a few other unsavory details....all in an effort to get high.

Nursing was my life, and I thought NOTHING could ever take me away from it. Don't think your love of firefighting is stronger than addiction, because it's not.

Despite the fact that I'm not a nurse any more, I am looking into other avenues to use my background, back in school, and I am a much happier person, now that I am 2 years into recovery. Try it...it's very much worth it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
Amy THANK YOU!, this is what I need to hear. I know I have no where to go but down. I have tears running down my face now because I can see myself in your story. I have been close to homeless, addicted to crack, and worked hard to get out. I worked to get where I am at today and I am at the point where I could lose it all, and for what? MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING, more looking in the mirror and not liking who I see.

I have everything I want in my life but I still want to have my cake and eat it too, I used to live by the motto that "If you aren't living on the edge you are taking up too much space" but I think I want to step back from the cliff and keep everything I have before I have nothing. The edge isn't so good when you fall off it.
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Old 04-16-2009, 05:59 PM
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Patrick,"everything you've decided about yourself is in play at this moment."
Good luck..........
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Old 04-16-2009, 06:07 PM
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((Patrick)))

Though crack is what brought me down, I abused the he!! out of a lot of stuff. For me, it would be too easy for me to get into that trap again. Lots of people survive one addiction, only to find another one, years down the road.

I've just had to accept that any time I find myself wanting to "get out of it" for whatever reason...upset, happy, etc., it's a HUGE red flag. I thought it would mean the rest of my life was going to be dreadfully boring, but it's really not. It's calmer, but then I was living in the 'hood, running from cops

It's got a lot to do with attitude, and I have a good one. I didn't give up anything good...I gave up something that was sucking the life out of me, taking away the things I loved. It didn't all come at once, but it did come.

I'm stubborn..I refuse to live my life as though I'm missing out on something. With what you and I have seen in our jobs, we both know life is too damned short to take it for granted.

What I did, at first, was make a promise that I would throw myself into recovery..can't remember if it was 6 months or a year...give it everything I had. If I hated it, I'd go back to crack. It didn't take even a month or 2 before I knew I wouldn't be going back.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 04-16-2009, 06:14 PM
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I've decided to go to a meeting tomorrow and just keep an open mind. I want the life that I see you people have, I just have to commit to giving it a chance.

I WILL GO TO A MEETING TOMORROW.

OZBOY, I'm already losing sleep contemplating your quote, thanks.
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Old 04-17-2009, 05:19 AM
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Each time you return you are allowing a new ingredient to enter your
awareness,and although each new addition may seem tiny,overall the
accumlation will be great..Sleep well Patrick.lol...............
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Old 04-17-2009, 06:01 AM
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Hi Lost,

I got sober 17 months ago and have visited with detox patients at a hospital twice a week since and have been able to observe who has been successful in sobriety and those who have failed. Some of the patients have been back to detox 3 and 4 times during this period. The people that are successful all have one thing in common. They are simply willing to do something about their problem and take action. There does not seem to be a requirement to having hit a super low bottom at all. Some of the people that have remained sober had very little consequences from their use of alcohol or drugs to begin with. On the other hand there are people with severe consequences that are physically dying that still seem to be unwilling.

For me the thing that made a difference was getting over all my issues with AA and just getting a Sponsor and working the steps. It just worked in spite of all my reservations with the program starting out.

There is no better time than taking action than right now. If we don't the problems we have today will seem minor compared to the ones we accumulate. I know, I learned the hard way and I don't want to see others be as stubborn as I was. All I had to do was ask for help.

Good Luck!
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Old 04-17-2009, 07:30 AM
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Lost I knew I was an alcoholic for a lot of years before I finally hit bottom, but there is no reason to discuss my bottom here, my bottom is my bottom, every persons bottom is different, some of us have a bottom that is 6 foot under!

I pray for your sake and your families that you find yours soon, I hate to say this, but it sounds as though you are not there yet:

[QUOTEI WILL GO TO A MEETING TOMORROW .[/QUOTE]

TOMORROW never comes, when I hit my bottom all of the tommorrows were gone, I took ACTION right then and there!!! I picked up the phone and I called a Drug and Alcohol line and got the first appointment available and from that point on I keep taking it a step at a time & one day at a time!

Your mom found the same soulution I found, if you are at your bottom you will call her right now, without even replying to the old man typing this and tell her "Mom, I need HELP! Can you get my butt to a meeting or get some one over here to get me started please?"

I have walked through the gates of my own mental hell, I surrendered and I took the hand of some one who had been there before me and he showed me the way out!

I am an old redneck, I was raised that a man needed no help with anything, if I dug myself into a hole it was up to me to dig my way out!!! I was the guy who could and did do ANYTHING I put my mind too....... it took me a LONG time to finally admit that I needed help!!!

Well I will just say this, I have learned that it takes a much bigger man to ask for help then to drink himself into the bowels of hell refusing to ask for help!

You have found your bottom when you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober.

I do pray that you find it soon, the gifts of sobriety are well worth it, but they are impossible to comprehend until we have been sober a while.
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Old 04-17-2009, 12:06 PM
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I feel like I have the answers, I just can't get myself to listen to them. What will it take?
Wow, that's such a hard-hitting line! I felt EXACTLY like that for so long. Turned out that I didn't have all the answers at all (no matter how tantalising it seemed!), and that I had to become open to other answers. That was what my last "bottom" meant to me - becoming willing to try another way, rather than continuously trying to "get myself to listen" to the "knowledge" I thought I had.

That's my experience anyhow!
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Old 04-18-2009, 03:39 AM
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Step 2 cmes to my mind .....

Welcome to SR....
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