lostinmyhead

I am not exactly a newcomer to recovery. I have been in and out of meetings since I was about 6. My mother used to bring me with and I was told I was an alcoholic before I ever even had my first drink. My mother is in her 24th year of recovery. I guess mom was right?

Anyway, I got a year of clean time when I was 18 but after I moved off to college, I felt like I was missing something. I have been deep into addiction and alcoholism for 13 years now and have only ever put together about a week or so here and there on sporatic occassions since then. Usually when I fear my wife will leave me, or my guilt gets to me and I make a half hearted effort at recovery.

Well, to get to my current bout with my soul. I am a firefighter, my job is the world to me and I can't imagine life without it. I was recently drug tested and knew I was clean. I bumped into an old friend the next day and he had some coke on him. I resisted at first but my clouded alcoholic vision led me to doing a couple bumps for old time sake. That was Saturday, Thursday rolls around and I have to take a re-test because my urine was too clear.

For the last week I have been living in an internal hell, wondering whether I will still have my job or not. I have refrained from drinking for about 5 days hoping that internalizing my feelings and trying to process them will help me get to the point I need to stop. Feeling the pain without numbing it if you will, trying to make a bottom for myself. Today I finally stopped at a meeting on a whim. I listened and hoped to gather some wisdom. I did not pick up a chip because I wasn't commited, and obviously aren't because I am into my first drink as I type this.

I'm not sure If my biggest fear is failing the test, or passing the test and not learning from the pain I have experienced. I know the issue was not the drugs, it was the alcohol. I never would have done that if I was sober. I love my job too much, it's a calling, and one that I think I have been called to do.

I keep telling myself that my higher power picked my for this profession, but how can I truly help others without helping myself first.

I feel like I have the answers, I just can't get myself to listen to them. What will it take?

Thank you for letting me share.

Patrick
Alcoholic