John, Don't be too hard on yourself. Re-reading my first post here has kept me away from the bottle more then once. The rage you describe I felt for sure. I know others have felt it too because I have seen a thread about "scream therapy" or something to those words. We all have that inner anger. The roller coaster ride is definitely not the fun ride we had at the amusement park.
Let me just say, don't let your ex "drive" you back to drinking. The sober John is a better person in dealing with all matters of life. The alcohol promises us relief, but I have yet to find the relief. Come to SR and talk with us. We'll help when we can.
Try a meeting if there is one available. Face to face sober people are fun to be around and can definitely inspire.
Have to run and get my son. You can do it John. One day at a time and if you're like me in the beginning one moment at a time. Walking helped me, but whatever physical exercise you can do with yourself the better. It will help with the inner rage and with the cravings.
