James13

I haven't put a thread up in a while, and today seems like a good day to do it.

Quite simply, I have felt lost the last few days. I'm still in a relationship that I decided to go forward in after a 3 week hiatus last December, in which I got sober, because I was unhappy and it was also consquently destroying the relationship. Since the time I pursued the relationship again, things have been much better. I have also been meditating, which is not only fundamental to my recovery, but now I am making it fundamental to life.

I feel I have slid back over the course of the last couple weeks or so, and I am still thinking about why. This morning, I commented to my S.O. that I felt alot of anger from her, and didn't know why. We have been having some "intimate" problems that we have been working through, and maybe I have created some pressure on myself.

I know I have also felt pressure from my mom, who calls and leaves messages like "let's see if you call me back this time". I guess I feel I am letting people down, but I don't see how. I also haven't meditated the last couple of days, which is probably no coincidence.

I told my S.O. this morning that I feel like we have been regressing the last couple of weeks, but mostly the last couple of days. I felt real lost this morning and told her that I did not know why. I also felt pressure to get things done I have avoided around my apartment, and I need to get up to my dad's today for a family thing. I felt tense. I did say it could just be my perception. But it was kind of heated, and then she said "have you been to a meeting?" I didn't think she really meant that, rather "you need a meeting". I got angrier, and told her I didn't think she was hearing me. Then she got upset.

I know I regressed. I did exactly what I used to do before recovery- I walked out and said I would talk to her later. I don't know exactly why I did this, but it doesn't feel good. I left a voicemail to apologize, and to reiterate the regression. Then get a cold text back, like "have a safe day". I remember this too from before. I don't feel like using today, though. But the negative patterns are back after about 3 months of positive change.

I really want to control the situation, but I can't. Maybe this mindfulness is what I need, to realize I did what I did, but I can't control the situation and make it right. As I write this, I know it is easier said than done to let go. Fears crop up in my head about how this morning will affect her and I.

When the time is right, I can apologize and admit my backsliding.