Bad Start for Today
Moving out of Limbo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Bad Start for Today
I haven't put a thread up in a while, and today seems like a good day to do it.
Quite simply, I have felt lost the last few days. I'm still in a relationship that I decided to go forward in after a 3 week hiatus last December, in which I got sober, because I was unhappy and it was also consquently destroying the relationship. Since the time I pursued the relationship again, things have been much better. I have also been meditating, which is not only fundamental to my recovery, but now I am making it fundamental to life.
I feel I have slid back over the course of the last couple weeks or so, and I am still thinking about why. This morning, I commented to my S.O. that I felt alot of anger from her, and didn't know why. We have been having some "intimate" problems that we have been working through, and maybe I have created some pressure on myself.
I know I have also felt pressure from my mom, who calls and leaves messages like "let's see if you call me back this time". I guess I feel I am letting people down, but I don't see how. I also haven't meditated the last couple of days, which is probably no coincidence.
I told my S.O. this morning that I feel like we have been regressing the last couple of weeks, but mostly the last couple of days. I felt real lost this morning and told her that I did not know why. I also felt pressure to get things done I have avoided around my apartment, and I need to get up to my dad's today for a family thing. I felt tense. I did say it could just be my perception. But it was kind of heated, and then she said "have you been to a meeting?" I didn't think she really meant that, rather "you need a meeting". I got angrier, and told her I didn't think she was hearing me. Then she got upset.
I know I regressed. I did exactly what I used to do before recovery- I walked out and said I would talk to her later. I don't know exactly why I did this, but it doesn't feel good. I left a voicemail to apologize, and to reiterate the regression. Then get a cold text back, like "have a safe day". I remember this too from before. I don't feel like using today, though. But the negative patterns are back after about 3 months of positive change.
I really want to control the situation, but I can't. Maybe this mindfulness is what I need, to realize I did what I did, but I can't control the situation and make it right. As I write this, I know it is easier said than done to let go. Fears crop up in my head about how this morning will affect her and I.
When the time is right, I can apologize and admit my backsliding.
Quite simply, I have felt lost the last few days. I'm still in a relationship that I decided to go forward in after a 3 week hiatus last December, in which I got sober, because I was unhappy and it was also consquently destroying the relationship. Since the time I pursued the relationship again, things have been much better. I have also been meditating, which is not only fundamental to my recovery, but now I am making it fundamental to life.
I feel I have slid back over the course of the last couple weeks or so, and I am still thinking about why. This morning, I commented to my S.O. that I felt alot of anger from her, and didn't know why. We have been having some "intimate" problems that we have been working through, and maybe I have created some pressure on myself.
I know I have also felt pressure from my mom, who calls and leaves messages like "let's see if you call me back this time". I guess I feel I am letting people down, but I don't see how. I also haven't meditated the last couple of days, which is probably no coincidence.
I told my S.O. this morning that I feel like we have been regressing the last couple of weeks, but mostly the last couple of days. I felt real lost this morning and told her that I did not know why. I also felt pressure to get things done I have avoided around my apartment, and I need to get up to my dad's today for a family thing. I felt tense. I did say it could just be my perception. But it was kind of heated, and then she said "have you been to a meeting?" I didn't think she really meant that, rather "you need a meeting". I got angrier, and told her I didn't think she was hearing me. Then she got upset.
I know I regressed. I did exactly what I used to do before recovery- I walked out and said I would talk to her later. I don't know exactly why I did this, but it doesn't feel good. I left a voicemail to apologize, and to reiterate the regression. Then get a cold text back, like "have a safe day". I remember this too from before. I don't feel like using today, though. But the negative patterns are back after about 3 months of positive change.
I really want to control the situation, but I can't. Maybe this mindfulness is what I need, to realize I did what I did, but I can't control the situation and make it right. As I write this, I know it is easier said than done to let go. Fears crop up in my head about how this morning will affect her and I.
When the time is right, I can apologize and admit my backsliding.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Here's me. but when drinking could be found in doorways!
Posts: 1,138
Hey James...
I am sorry you are having a rough time just now... i dont know what to say really.. i did pick up one thing from your post... *pressure*
Seems like either others are putting pressure or you are... ie... mum leaving messages... you not meditating... im not surprised your feeling abit lost... from what you wrote sounds like your routines out...
I hope i have not said anything wrong... but wanted to reply... keep posting though please.. and try taking some of that pressure off... talk away
be well
louis
I am sorry you are having a rough time just now... i dont know what to say really.. i did pick up one thing from your post... *pressure*
Seems like either others are putting pressure or you are... ie... mum leaving messages... you not meditating... im not surprised your feeling abit lost... from what you wrote sounds like your routines out...
I hope i have not said anything wrong... but wanted to reply... keep posting though please.. and try taking some of that pressure off... talk away
be well
louis
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
James,
You should be proud of yourself for getting and staying sober. That's really great!
I found that I had remove myself from certain people in my life. I didn't want negativity, I couldn't afford it in my life. It was toxic to me. If your Mom is putting pressure on you to do more than you are able to do right now, maybe you can talk to her, or back off a little bit and do what you need to do.
And, it's really hard for others to understand how difficult the journey of recovery is for us. That's one of the reasons, I come here - because people here understand. It sounds like you're growing and moving forward, so be proud of what you're accomplishing and follow your heart.
You should be proud of yourself for getting and staying sober. That's really great!
I found that I had remove myself from certain people in my life. I didn't want negativity, I couldn't afford it in my life. It was toxic to me. If your Mom is putting pressure on you to do more than you are able to do right now, maybe you can talk to her, or back off a little bit and do what you need to do.
And, it's really hard for others to understand how difficult the journey of recovery is for us. That's one of the reasons, I come here - because people here understand. It sounds like you're growing and moving forward, so be proud of what you're accomplishing and follow your heart.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hi James, you sound kinda frustrated and wound up and that is not unusual in early recovery.
You mentioned meditation and mindfulness and that is not easy to do when you feel tense. Something I have learned recently is that meditation and mindfulness don't always bring the calm feelings I like to get from it. If we are being mindful then we are sometimes gonna be mindful while feeling bad, so I try to "be" with it and observe it and not get caught up in it...again not easy, lol.
Get meditating again!
You mentioned meditation and mindfulness and that is not easy to do when you feel tense. Something I have learned recently is that meditation and mindfulness don't always bring the calm feelings I like to get from it. If we are being mindful then we are sometimes gonna be mindful while feeling bad, so I try to "be" with it and observe it and not get caught up in it...again not easy, lol.
Get meditating again!
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
James,
I think it is brave of you to continue pursuing a relationship in your early sobriety - despite it being an old relationship, it will need maintaining. For me, if I were you, i'd be focusing on the fundamentals and basics that allow me to stay sober: steps 1, 2, 3 and prayer as well as doing healthy things to assure myself that I'm not in any threat of relapsing.
It sounds as if you may have burned your S.O. in the past with your addiction, and she is probably just looking out for you while still worrying about where you are both headed. It seems imperative, IMO, to make a meeting a day and really try to stick with the routine that has helped you stay sober thus far: meditating, meetings, etc..
I really hope you have a brighter day today, and can turn your troubles over. If need be, get some extra space from your S.O. by calling up someone from your local program and fellowshipping (coffee, snack, etc..) and just venting for some advice. Feel free to PM me if you need an extra & anonymous opinion or just someone to chat with.
Stay safe!
Rachel
I think it is brave of you to continue pursuing a relationship in your early sobriety - despite it being an old relationship, it will need maintaining. For me, if I were you, i'd be focusing on the fundamentals and basics that allow me to stay sober: steps 1, 2, 3 and prayer as well as doing healthy things to assure myself that I'm not in any threat of relapsing.
It sounds as if you may have burned your S.O. in the past with your addiction, and she is probably just looking out for you while still worrying about where you are both headed. It seems imperative, IMO, to make a meeting a day and really try to stick with the routine that has helped you stay sober thus far: meditating, meetings, etc..
I really hope you have a brighter day today, and can turn your troubles over. If need be, get some extra space from your S.O. by calling up someone from your local program and fellowshipping (coffee, snack, etc..) and just venting for some advice. Feel free to PM me if you need an extra & anonymous opinion or just someone to chat with.
Stay safe!
Rachel
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
You can please some of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time. Maybe what you need (and look, you're here!!!) is to be around other people in recovery. Where you'll hear "maybe you need a meeting" and it won't be thrown at you in a condescending tone. Know what I mean?
It sounds like you're doing great to me. When people start putting the heat on me, I back away!!! Far away and keep the focus on me and my mental state of well being.
It sounds like you're doing great to me. When people start putting the heat on me, I back away!!! Far away and keep the focus on me and my mental state of well being.
Moving out of Limbo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Today
Posts: 343
Thanks for all the responses. You guys have really been there and helped me get out of my own head. I think I have always reached out for something or someone for happiness, and never felt it could come from within.
It is what it is. Good or bad is only my spin on it. I am working to return to this frame of mind.
It is what it is. Good or bad is only my spin on it. I am working to return to this frame of mind.
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