Thank you, Lex. I was hoping you would be able to share more. You are so much farther ahead in all of this than I was at your age. It's going to take some work but you are gonna get there! Ok, don't know if you want to hear this right now. But lately, since I've had quite a bit of counseling, quite a few Alanon meetings, read tons, done a lot of work and healed in some deep areas...
I see some good things in me as a result of the things I have walked through...
I'm not scared of a challenge
Can't shock me, so it makes me easy to talk to
I see through crap pretty easily
I know how hard life can be, so I know how GOOD life can be
From working steps in Alanon, I can look at myself honestly (most of the time) I'm not scared of seeing my crap (we all have it, we can all work on it)
I'm pretty approachable
I understand what you are saying, that many have been through more. But... maybe for a season, you could really face that you have been through more than you should have been. I always said that when I was young. I don't have it so bad... could be worse! Look at such-and-such's home life. It was a way to hide from the pain I was in. It was a way to not have to admit that my mom was really blowing it. Now that I have kids, the oldest 16, I shudder to think of them experiencing the things I did. It's been a real eye-opener. Doesn't seem so bad until I think of one of them going through it. Or my siblings. I didn't get angry when it was me. I got very angry when it was them. Well, you have the same value they do. You are someone's little girl, though you haven't been protected the way you should have been. I hope you are sad for that little girl.
Yes! The important times! Weddings were my moms worst, so look out for that one someday and make sure you don't trust her with too many details. Sorry, but I had to warn my siblings about that and they took it to heart... their weddings went better than mine and my older brother's did and they weren't dismayed when she did what she does.
I know it's so hard, but I hope you are able to really focus on University. Every time I was called to come home, I did, for way too long. I hope you don't make that mistake. If you are able to start going to Alanon and do some reading (Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go-Melody Beattie, etc) not only will you have some good tools, but you will be able to share them with your siblings. You can teach them as you learn. I did. And continue to do so for my youngest brother. Running home every time there was a crisis never really helped the bigger problem and pretty much short-circuited my life. You deserve to have a life! Your sibs will learn, as well. I know that's easier said than done. If you keep running to the rescue, you will teach them to do the same. Time for you all to have better tools.
Alcoholism is very painful for everyone involved but Lex, it doesn't have to be life destroying. You are proof of that. Your intelligence, resourcefulness, willingness to reach out for help. You do have a challenge ahead of you, to learn, really be able to look at yourself, have a sense of humor with yourself, grow, do it differently.
No, I don't have a mom in the traditional sense. But as I learned to "detach" (learn about that word in alanon and those books and here) and let my mom just be who she is... I forged a new relationship with her. I can actually enjoy the good parts about her and protect myself from the disease itself. I don't lose sleep anymore over it. I don't let myself even begin to believe the things she says to me when she is raging.
And the amazing, wonderful thing I didn't expect... (God) (My Higher Power) (The Universe) has brought some beautiful, motherly women into my life who are truly a gift to me. When my grieving subsided, I was able to notice that. Now I see them for the blessings they are and take full advantage
In an emotional, wisdom-seeking, cookie eating, late night talks, kind of way lol!
We are here for you! Thank you for being here!
