Thankyou so much guys, I'm amazed at how people take the time to help others out.
Your stories are honest, heartfelt and inspirational.
I don't feel sorry for myself in any way for my childhood- people have gone through worse, as you guys have demonstrated. But it does get to you, and I really don't want my experiences of alcoholism to tarnish my future in any way.
I have heard that children of alcoholics can become alcoholics themselves, such as yourself TTOSBT, and this scares me. Not for myself, (although how could I ever really predict what will become of me?), but mostly for my siblings. Like Jaimemk I too come from a family of four children, although I am the oldest.
My earliest childhood memory is sitting, crying for my mother when I was a toddler. My dad used to work nights. He has always maintained that my mum had a drinking problem when they met, but nothing to the extent of what she became. That night she had left me to go to the shops, I don't know whether for alcohol or what, but that minor thing has stayed with me.
As I grew older my mum steadily became worse. My dad was still working nights, and most nights my mum would drink until she passed out. I must have been only about 7, and came to look after my younger sister a lot. The days were fine, my mum would start drinking when my dad was gone: though he would return home to my passed out mother a lot, but I think he tried to turn a blind eye- he had to provide for us after all.
I never felt safe at night. I would sit up til the early hours on the stairs, keeping an eye on my mother, comforting my sister, waiting for my father to come home, just to feel safe enough to sleep. I now wonder how I got through my early years of schooling so well. Once my sister had a breathing attack: my mum was passed out, we were both incredibly scared. She also had terrible nightmares, but I refused to ever get anyone for help- I didn't want the outside world to think badly of my mother in any way. And I never told my father- every child wants their parents to stay together, no matter what.
In every other way my mother is fantastic- her guilt for drinking means she is a brilliant mother now, when sober. But she will never stop. Alcoholism has wrecked my family. My parents argue almost every minute, even getting violent with each other. My dad refuses to leave, he stayed for us and he won't leave without us. In a way, I think they need each other still.
My mother tried AA meetings (she met another man, whom she quietly told me and my sister, being no older than 13, she was leaving us and our father for, like it was an everyday thing), she tried the tablets, the counselling, the lot. She tried to commit suicide (we found her in time), she went on healing quests, life changing exhibitions etc etc, to 'find herself' but nothing worked. She piles the blame on my father, on the kids arguing, on the house. I know it is a disease, but my mother makes this her excuse, like it is an incurable disease, when you are proof that it is not such.
She will drink at the most important times of my life: the night before I go to Uni, the rare times I come home. I love Uni a lot, it helps me to forget homelife- but I am endlessly on edge, fretful for my siblings, I am not there to protect them from violent outbursts from my mother or father, spiteful drunken behaviour and so on. Sometimes I will get a call from my sister begging me to come home, to break up an argument or because Mum has gone etc- it is heartbreaking.
It is a vicious circle: we have all lost all respect for her, even my young young brother has seen things an adult would not want to see. I have given up on ever having the relationship with my mother I dream of: I don't trust her, she forever lets me down, she has caused too much pain for our family. If I had a single wish it would be her to stop drinking, to start making steps towards her children, to make it better.
Alcoholism is life destroying. I know I have let it affect my relationships already: I can become violently angry, especially with boyfriends; I always set myself up for a fall; I have learnt to treat men in a nasty manner, like my mum to my dad; I feel a failure if I can't handle something myself, or if I cry.
I think talking about my experiences and sharing them with others will help me. I don't either want to be affected into adulthood, or with my parenting. Your comments are welcomed, thankyou for your help.
Lex