Great thread! I am from the SA board and my AH has 60 some days clean after a 10 year addiction. During his addiction he was very highly functional and I had no clue of his drug use until recent years. I still find myself struggling greatly.
His days are completely unstructured. Some days he gets up at noon or 1. Still has trouble sleeping (typical) and stays up until 3-4 in the morning. Some days he helps alot around the house, some days he just sits in front of the tv. I'm still triggered by little signs of when he was using and I struggle alot with letting that go, if it's even possible or if I even should let go.
I feel completely stuck. Do I give him more time to get himself together and in control of his life? In reality *I* have always been the one who is in control and I hate it. I do not want the role of his mother. I too want better, I want an equal, a partner. Not a 3rd child. I too find myself grasping and greatful for the crumbs he throws my way. He does do more around the house than ever before, he is doing better. But it's not good enough, I still find myself starving for affection, waiting for him to step up equally.
Sometimes I think I have it so together and that the kids are doing fine. They get good grades, are great kids, lots of friends. But because my AH has not been an equal parent, I am viewed in their 8 year old eyes as the strict one, the hammer if you will. Because AH never stood up and parented with me. He allowed me to do it all and I don't WANT to do it all by myself, so I've been their mother and father.
I keep waiting/praying for the lightbulb moment that will light the path that I should take. Yet I still keep floundering around in the dark. I'd always thought "if he could just be clean, we'll be fine." So far although things are better, it's not the case.