Sharing wisdom from my counseling session

Old 03-25-2009, 07:25 PM
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Sharing wisdom from my counseling session

I had a very productive counseling session today, and she said something that I thought might be useful for others.

I was talking about our cycle of anger, not talking for a few days, then how he is helpful (she didn't seem that impressed that he was doing anything all that "helpful") by cooking or taking the kids where they need to go. It is in that final phase where I start to doubt myself and wonder if he really is trying and I am wrong. She asked me "When he does these things or says nice things to you at these times does it move your heart?" It was a lightbulb moment for me. It was so obvious that the answer is no.

She shared that when she was in school, and observing a counseling session, the therapist was working with a man who was obviously trying to give him what he thought the therapist wanted to hear. At one point the man started crying and the therapist leaned toward him and said "Your tears don't move me". She said at the time she thought that was so cold and cruel, but she has learned that we can feel what is true and trust that voice within us. So today I understand why I have that conflicted feeling and where my self-doubt is coming from. And I can trust that if there was real change, true change, my heart would be moved......and it's not.
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Old 03-25-2009, 07:32 PM
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The one most important thing my counselor ever told me was "it's about trusting yourself." I have never forgotten that and remember it daily. That small quiet voice inside us is what we should be listening to--at all times.

Thanks for sharing.

L
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Old 03-25-2009, 07:43 PM
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Yes indeed. And for us, when things are so insane and we're sick with indecision, we can't hardly hear when our inner voice is screaming at us. Being still so I can hear.

MY voice is telling me that leaving was one of the best things I've ever done for myself, even though it was hard and things are tough now. The.Best.Thing.Ever.

Even worse blessed, is when we feel sickened by their actions, when they're being helpful. THAT was my voice trying to tell me something was very very wrong.
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Old 03-25-2009, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Yes indeed. And for us, when things are so insane and we're sick with indecision, we can't hardly hear when our inner voice is screaming at us. Being still so I can hear.
Yep....thats me. All of the chatter in my head has been drowning out what my heart has been trying to tell me. Being still is hard for me. Every penny I am spending on counseling and every minute of work is so worth it. It helps that I found a counselor with experience in addiction and co-dependency issues, and that she has done the hard work herself. She doesn't share personal experiences (as she shouldn't) but just knowing she's been in my shoes helps.

The other thing I learned today was that when I am holding on so tightly to an illusion of what I want my marriage to be, me fists are clenched and not open to the possibilities that God (or the universe/HP) has waiting for me. We can't receive blessings with closed fists.
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Old 03-25-2009, 09:21 PM
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When my head "overrode" my heart and gut is when my descent into codie insanity and hell began.

I literally remember watching it as it happened.

When my head and my heart were in utter conflict and I no longer trusted my intuition i was as sick as I have ever been in my life.

Great thread 4x
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Old 03-26-2009, 04:54 AM
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I had one of my big ah ha moments with a therapist who asked what I wanted for/from my then AH. I told her I wanted him to grow up and be an equal adult. Her response was why then do you keep treating him like your child, telling him what to do, how he has to behave. It was then I realized I was part of my problem, that I truly was acting the parent to his child.

I was so used to the role of parent with him that I forgot he was an adult. Seriously. Accepting that in myself led to all the growth I have experienced. I began listening to my much wiser inner self. All I needed to learn was in there to some degree or another but I had stopped listening because of all the noise resulting from my need to compensate for what I saw as his bad choices, from my codependent tendencies. It took a while and hard work to shut down that noise machine but it was a great thing to learn to do.
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Old 03-26-2009, 05:29 AM
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blessed, this is spot-on. I remember just a few short months ago, he'd get drunk and then next day, as I carried on with detachment, he'd come grovel to me, looking rough and hung, apologizing, saying he'll try to do better and that he loves me. I just felt he was pathetic and it didn't move my heart at all.
Good insights, really helps you see with distinction, when the A (or anyone else really) is doing something with authenticity or with ulterior motive.
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Old 03-26-2009, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
She asked me "When he does these things or says nice things to you at these times does it move your heart?" It was a lightbulb moment for me. It was so obvious that the answer is no.
Me too. Sometimes my first thought is "what do you want" then I feel guilty for thinking that but.... what can I say it is what it is and he does usually want something.
At the book study I go to, one of the usual memebers said that he works the steps of AA becasue he is self centered and that he really doesn't want to do anything nice for anyone but himself. He works the steps so he can. It was a suprise to hear him say that but it was so honest. I learn a lot from that group, it's mixed AA and Al-anon.

What I am trying to get at I think, is that I am starting to really get that I want more from my life than I am getting now.

I keep writing then hitting delete so maybe I should just stop and say I am right there with you. Maybe what you wrote is hitting me hard now because my youngest graduates from high school in just over 2 months. Big life changes coming fast.
Thanks for the post.
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Old 03-26-2009, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Learning how View Post

What I am trying to get at I think, is that I am starting to really get that I want more from my life than I am getting now.

IMHO, that is so important, Learning. What the "getting" is, is you're starting to be courageous enough to listen to that little voice inside.

Our minds are powerful. They put the pieces together unlike any other machine can. We hear things, compare them to statements from the past. We feel things, and our subconscious minds know what is true and what is false. It tracks what we consciously can't remember.

So, that little voice comes from where all the memories are held and sorted out. We consciously are full of thoughts and advice and fears and illusions and denial and needs. But our subconscious has sorted it all out, and quietly whispers: This is not right for you.

You know, deep in your heart, you do want better.

I feel the same way and am finally able to admit to myself (without crying): He's not the one for me.

Good luck!

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Old 03-26-2009, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
It is in that final phase where I start to doubt myself and wonder if he really is trying and I am wrong. She asked me "When he does these things or says nice things to you at these times does it move your heart?" It was a lightbulb moment for me. It was so obvious that the answer is no.


Thank you for sharing that. It's hard to admit, but I feel the same way.

That kind of honesty can make us stronger when we are feeling weak and want to embrace the little itty bit of affection or niceness they try to show. I know I always want to embrace any appearance of kindness or love since he won't apologize. But to be able to admit to myself that his acts don't move me...now that's pretty empowering.

RTH
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Old 03-26-2009, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
It is in that final phase where I start to doubt myself and wonder if he really is trying and I am wrong. She asked me "When he does these things or says nice things to you at these times does it move your heart?" It was a lightbulb moment for me. It was so obvious that the answer is no.


Thank you for sharing that. It's hard to admit, but I feel the same way.

That thought can make us stronger when we want to embrace the little itty bit of affection or niceness they try to show. I know I always want to embrace any display of kindness or love my ABF shows because I know he won't apologize. Admitting that his acts don't move me is another form of empowerment!

RTH

Last edited by ReadyToHelp; 03-26-2009 at 08:14 PM. Reason: corrections
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Old 03-26-2009, 08:33 PM
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I thought it was empowering too. I tell you, it's been a VERY strange week for me. I've been praying for God to reveal the truth to me, and for me to accept it, and those prayers are being answered in ways I never thought possible.

Today, I walked in to school and one of my son's teachers asked me if something was going on with our marriage. First reaction.....crawl under a desk. But I sat down, had a conversation, and learned that my son's moods and behavior are typical of a child with home problems. He's not having any major issues, good grades and typically a leader, but this teacher has worked with kids long enough that he nailed it. So I will be looking into counseling for him as well. Thankfully, I am getting my truth out there, and receiving the truth from others. It's emotionally draining, but FINALLY I am starting to feel "unstuck".
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Old 03-27-2009, 04:31 AM
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Great thread! I am from the SA board and my AH has 60 some days clean after a 10 year addiction. During his addiction he was very highly functional and I had no clue of his drug use until recent years. I still find myself struggling greatly.

His days are completely unstructured. Some days he gets up at noon or 1. Still has trouble sleeping (typical) and stays up until 3-4 in the morning. Some days he helps alot around the house, some days he just sits in front of the tv. I'm still triggered by little signs of when he was using and I struggle alot with letting that go, if it's even possible or if I even should let go.

I feel completely stuck. Do I give him more time to get himself together and in control of his life? In reality *I* have always been the one who is in control and I hate it. I do not want the role of his mother. I too want better, I want an equal, a partner. Not a 3rd child. I too find myself grasping and greatful for the crumbs he throws my way. He does do more around the house than ever before, he is doing better. But it's not good enough, I still find myself starving for affection, waiting for him to step up equally.

Sometimes I think I have it so together and that the kids are doing fine. They get good grades, are great kids, lots of friends. But because my AH has not been an equal parent, I am viewed in their 8 year old eyes as the strict one, the hammer if you will. Because AH never stood up and parented with me. He allowed me to do it all and I don't WANT to do it all by myself, so I've been their mother and father.

I keep waiting/praying for the lightbulb moment that will light the path that I should take. Yet I still keep floundering around in the dark. I'd always thought "if he could just be clean, we'll be fine." So far although things are better, it's not the case.
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Old 03-27-2009, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
She asked me "When he does these things or says nice things to you at these times does it move your heart?" It was a lightbulb moment for me.
Thank you for sharing this. I did not realize I was still harboring guilt from my recent divorce...feeling I didn't do enough and descending back into codependent insanity. But your share helped me see that, NO, his responses to me did not move my heart. I recently came across some letters he wrote me in 2006 (after my discovery of his affair) and with the gift of time and lots of work on myself, I can now see the letters for what they were....manipulations. But, I remember at the time my heart was not moved. My inner voice had been trying to guide and protect me all along.

Thankyou for reminding me!
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Old 03-28-2009, 10:20 PM
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Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
Today, I walked in to school and one of my son's teachers asked me if something was going on with our marriage. First reaction.....crawl under a desk. But I sat down, had a conversation, and learned that my son's moods and behavior are typical of a child with home problems. He's not having any major issues, good grades and typically a leader, but this teacher has worked with kids long enough that he nailed it. So I will be looking into counseling for him as well. Thankfully, I am getting my truth out there, and receiving the truth from others. It's emotionally draining, but FINALLY I am starting to feel "unstuck".

Angels are sprinkled about and are here to help us get through the tough stuff. I recognize what I call Angels - they are people who just do something nice or meaningful, that make the day nicer, or help ease the pain, or just bring a smile to our face - with no stings attached.

No holiday necessary. Just celebrate you for a bit. 6
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