I had one of my big ah ha moments with a therapist who asked what I wanted for/from my then AH. I told her I wanted him to grow up and be an equal adult. Her response was why then do you keep treating him like your child, telling him what to do, how he has to behave. It was then I realized I was part of my problem, that I truly was acting the parent to his child.
I was so used to the role of parent with him that I forgot he was an adult. Seriously. Accepting that in myself led to all the growth I have experienced. I began listening to my much wiser inner self. All I needed to learn was in there to some degree or another but I had stopped listening because of all the noise resulting from my need to compensate for what I saw as his bad choices, from my codependent tendencies. It took a while and hard work to shut down that noise machine but it was a great thing to learn to do.