Overload...
I'm overwhelmed right now, I'm trying to breathe...and just when I think I have it under control...I realize that I have nothing under control...least of all me.
I stumbled on SR because my husband is a cocaine addict. I was at the absolute end of my rope, and probably very close to a nervous breakdown when I first came here. I usually post in Nar-Anon...and it's been a lifesaver, truly. I'd been running around like crazed person trying to find a way to "fix" my "broken" husband. Never thinking for one moment that there was anything wrong with ME.
Talk about an eye opener. I remember thinking at first, "I'm the normal one here, why the hell do I have to "recover" from anything? I don't have time for this crap! If he'd just smarten the hell up, then we could have a normal, healthy relationship."
Then I was introduced to the word co-dependent. Ahhh...Finally, a name for me. But, to tell you the truth, after spending so much of the later part of my life wrapped up in his drama and his feelings, feeling anything for myself has proven to be quite an endeavour.
I always thought that I had forgiven my parents for my childhood...made my peace with it...and moved on. I even have "their" language down pat. "What's the use in bringing up the past? What's done is done"...well, you know how the rest goes...
I'm now begining to realize, that I've dealt with nothing. I've just been shoving every little hurt that comes along, right down with the others...hurt on top of hurt, on top of hurt. I'm bursting at the seems here. I'm overwhelmed with where to begin...and quite frankly, almost sick of the sounds of my own thoughts at this point.
The grown up in me says (and always has said this) that there comes a point when you just let go of the things people have done in the past, suck it up, and move on...I've always hated when people blame their childhoods for every one of their shortcomings. But then there's the little girl in me...who justs aches to be consoled, and I've just ignored her for so long.
So, I guess what I'm asking here is where do you begin? It's like since I've come here, (originally to find answers for my husbands problems) I feel like I've opened a pandoras box. There are days that I just want to shut off my computer, walk away, and pretend that I never began this journey...(I'm very good at pretending)...Thanks in advance, for any thoughts...